Christmastime in the Emerald City

{August 21, 2008}   Dude, Where’s My Pepto?

Seriously, people are gross. The grossness of the average person never ceases to amaze me. Never. But because I’m all polite and Canadian and stuff, and because I live in a ginormous metropolis where you don’t want to cause a scene with the jackass who cut in front of you and stole the parking spot you’d been waiting for because you never know who’s going to be a psycho with a knife, I can never just shout out “hey asshole, quit being so fucking gross will you?!”

So instead I’ve started writing letters in my head and mentally projecting them with eye daggers towards the offending party. I thought I’d share, and in return I welcome your tales of human-grossness woe.

Dear Little Old Asian Lady With The Chopped Off Scabby Former Toe Sitting Across From Me on the Subway:

Keep your shoes on. Really. The idea of one taking off their shoes in the middle of a public vicinity is disgusting as it is. My little brother developed a habit of taking his shoes off in the car, and I pummelled him for that. There is no way in hell I would tolerate the sight of your scabby, dried out flesh wounds if I weren’t bound by the social code that is silence on the subway. I’m sure having such a wound inflicted was awful, and you do have my sympathy. But you have it in the form of my gag reflex, now please put your dollar store slippers back on.

Please and thanks.

Dear Fat Lady With The White Pants On The Escalator

Thanks for showing me your ass tattoo *through* your pants. Here’s a set of tips. Firstly, fat people don’t wear white, unless they’re really really rocking the chubby. Some people do this with ease. But not you. And if you must wear white, and white pants at that, please get pants of a decent enough quality that they don’t become inherently translucent after two runs through your second hand washing machine. And if you really can’t afford a new washing machine that doesn’t destroy your fabrics, and you really can’t splurge on an item of clothing over ten dollars (’cause hey, some of us can’t) and you really really really want to wear white pants, then at least for the love of god don’t wear a baby blue thong. Full bottomed panties can be had at Honest Ed’s, less than five minutes from the escalator on which you presented me with this show, for a dollar. I have purchased dollar panties in the past. They can be fun and exciting with ribbons and bows and pockets. Please invest in covering your ass.

Dear Guy Who Was Clipping His Nails On The Subway

What are you doing?!?! I’ll tell you what you are doing. You are snipping dead pieces of genetic material from your generally unwashed body and flinging them through the air in my vicinity. Gross dude! Do you have any idea what kind of crap is under your fingernails? Have you seen an episode of CSI? Probably not, because your overall impression is that of someone who spends most of his time dragging a teetering cart around my neighbourhood on recycling night in hopes of scoring some five cent cans, and recycling night is when CSI happens to be on the telly. So to spare you a night in, or the trouble it takes to open a textbook or bottle of Purell, here’s the shakedown. The last time you scratched your ass? It’s under your nails. Picking your nose? Under your nails. General grime from wading through other people’s refuse? UNDER YOUR NAILS GROSSWAD! If you have the wherewithall to be trimming your nails with a neat little clipper instead of just gnawing at them, then I’m going to assume that you have the general basics of hygiene down pretty well. You’re not misinformed or ignorant, you’re just a dirty jerkface flinging bits of nasty at my left elbow. Go away.

Dear Mother of That Dirty, Unwashed Little Bastard Bawling Through His Snot Dripping Nose

Itty bitty travel packs of Kleenex can be had for pennies, and at the age of two, your toddler is not going to pitch a fit of embarassment if you happen to at the very least spit on one of these tissues and rub it up against the chocolate and snot leaking from his facial orifices. This skirt I’m wearing cost two hundred dollars. Yes, I’ll admit I’m an idiot for spending that much on a skirt. But I was nineteen at the time, with oodles of money to spare, and I’m fucking THRILLED that I still fit into it after my single year of noodles-n-jello University diet. So don’t ruin it for me by allowing your breeding ground for bacteria to lean out of his stroller and onto the Italian fabric, okay? Much appreciated.

So there you have it. My adventures with grossness. And this was just yesterday. I’m sure all of you great people out there have come across such atrocities. How do you deal? I’m not about to invest in a full body bubble, as I consider it rude to take up unnecessary space on the subway. And a sandwich board instructing all without deodorant and bodywash to keep away seems a little excessive. Maybe I should make up some pre-printed little memos to inform people of their grossness, and fold them up nice and complicated like so that by the time they unfold them, I’m well out of range of any snot-related retaliation.

On scented paper of course.


Ginny says:

My stomach just rolled over. Maybe you just have to out-gross those people. Grab some plastic vomit, fake dog crap, etc. Attach it to yourself. Sit. And (hopefully) no one will want to sit anywhere near you. (And I will never understand the parents who can’t monitor their kids’ snot. Even my 2 year old grabs a kleenex when things get too far. People suck.)

talea says:

I have noticed a shocking, angering and repulsing rise in the number of creepwads cutting their fucking fingernails on the bloody subway.
Now, I have been known to lose my shit on poor strangers on the subway, and I really want to ream out these nailcutter-toting asshats, BUT, they’re armed. Oh what? You don’t think people can use nail clippers as a weapon? Clearly, you must not live in Toronto.
The problem is exactly what you stated…you just don’t know in this city who’s toting a gun along with their personal hygiene instruments.

All I can offer is the cut-eye.

Remember that time I kicked that bitch in Eglinton station? Yeah. That was awesome.

LOL that is disgusting. I could practically see the fat chick in white pants in my head! Thanks hun!
The kid with snot dripping out his nose? yeah my own cousin was doing that last weekend. Sure hes like under 2 but still the parents didnt care. ICK!!

You should start a new blog, like post a secret but its post a letter! so everyone can write letters about ppl that fucked them off. Anonymously of course.

romi41 says:

hahahaha….dude, I am reaching for the pepto after reading this! I saw a lady meticulously tweazing her chin hairs on the GO Train for half an hour, all while intensely reading a book..I didn’t really know what to make of that and still don’t…I think the nail-clipping thing is a little more disturbing because of the “flight” aspect of each clip….ughh….the human race is a menace…day after day after day.

@ Ginny: What a fabulous idea! I should totally just dump fake shit all over people and be all “What? I thought that’s what you were going for.” You know, there was this crazy lady on the Dufferin bus who dumped yogurt all over the lady next to her. Maybe she had the same idea and just snapped one day.

@ Talea: I know, surprising damage can be done with nail clippers, and after all the horror stories you hear about dirty salons, I can hardly trust a pair found in the hands of a dirty subway dweller. And yeah, that was an awesome day for us self-righteous polite commuters.

@ Queenie: Ooh, what a fabulous idea! Or I could create a market where I write snarky letters to people who have pissed you off! I did that once in University, it was fantabulous. She retaliated by calling me a cum stain on the tighty whities of humanity, so clearly I pissed her off to quite an extent. It was a proud day.

@ Romi: Ewww! “Hi. I’m sorry you have this condition, but I’m worried about the effects of your radiating grossness on my unborn child (I’m very good at lying people, fyi, and this will get people to stop doing anything), so if you could please stop, that’d be great.”

duffboy says:

Grossness = dudes who don’t use a hankie and just blow their noses with their fingers right into the street. I’ve seen it so many times, and everytime it’s just grosser.

EW! EW EW EW EW EW EW EW EWWWWW! You win! Oh god, that’s gross. I’ve yet to see that, even at Queen and Bathurst. (Dirty punk district)

duffboy says:

The worst part is when women do it… yes, it’s possible, grossness knows no gender barriers.

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