Christmastime in the Emerald City

{August 15, 2008}   My Favourite Kind of Loser, Now On Sale

We love to hate them. We hate to admit that we secretly love them. We taunt them, tease them, organize days on which to beat them. And all this fury serves only to fuel their objective: to be the biggest loser of all. Imagine, a social caste where the suckier you are, the whinier, bitchier, self-absorbed you are, the cooler you are. At least according to the rest of your douchebag friends.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, children of all ages, I am referring to the red-headed stepchild of our, and several others before, generation. The term ’emo’ has been thrown around for quite some time, and the general ideology has been around since well before Dashboard Confessional pissed and moaned all the way to mainstream. But now it’s reached a very special point. Now one can be emo with zero recollection or even curiosity about the origin of a subculture. Yes, it’s true. It has gone the way of the goth, the vegan, the punk. 

You can buy emo at the mall.

Mopey, stripey scarves. Unfortunate haircuts. Ridiculously skinny jeans. Chunky glasses. Obnoxious tshirts. All can be had with the allowance you earned working at the trendy coffee shop. Oh no, not Starbucks. That (some political jargon about human rights and working conditions and economic blah blah blah) eco friendly free trade something or other place up the street. Because you’re so not about the establishment until you need a new studded belt.

Oh, but it’s not so simple. This new accesibility has started an all out war for scene points! Why, now that you can get a “vintage” tshirt anywhere, it’s simply not enough! You see him, that skinny young fellow with massive muttonchop sideburns, or ribs that portray his inability to survive a winter without medicare? He’s had that carebear tshirt since the first time it came around. So THERE! And his girlfriend doesn’t have to go to Wal-Mart for skinny jeans, because she sews and was able to alter her mom’s set of jeans from that unbeknownst-to-her fateful Bon Jovi concert seventeen years ago. They’re way more hip than you, poser.

Soooo, yeah. You know, with the time I save not having to consider the cool-power of my tshirts, I tend to find the time to buy more than one colour of clothing, and usually get home in time to eat a full meal.

But why are they my favourite kind of loser? Because I am inherently lazy. You really don’t have to try very hard to make fun of these kids. And when I reach my lazy hand into my grab bag of possible ridiculees, there are just so many fun possibilities.

Which one is your favourite?

"I'm Too Pussy To Be Goth" Emo

"I'll Dress Like This Until The Day I Die, Or Until I Have To Pay Rent And Can't Afford These Accessories Anymore" Emo

"I'm A Slave To My Accessories And Yes I'm Wearing A Tiara" Emo

“Hair Meticulously Done in Mom’s Bathroom Mirror in Front of Standard Suburban Door” Emo

"I'm Only Doing This Cause Mom Won't Buy Me A Car" Emo




"I Was Meant To Be An Anime Character, And I'm The Only One In The World To Thing Of That" Emo

It’s like a very depressed box of chocolates. Awesome.

Josh says:

See, when I was in high school emo wasn’t around yet. We just had goths and freaks. Now the goths were pretty much exactly like the emo’s of today, but more badass looking and less homosexual. They looked mean and scary and probably had several knives and shit on them. But then you got to know them and they were really just introverted, overly artistic kids that didn’t feel like they fit in and didn’t mind. The freaks, who I usually hung out with, were more like the wannabe punk, slave to the accessories emo’s of today. I mean some of them were wild and crazy and extroverted and just plain fun. But then you got a lot of them that had the green hair and a bazillion piercings and all wore chucks and seemed pretty cool and fun at first, but upon closer inspection spent most of their time writing sad poems expressing their sorrow and cutting themselves. This was back when Papa Roach: Last Resort was huge and everyone and their mother was trying to slice some sweet relief out of their veins. The emo kids of back then were pretty cool to be honest, except when they were whining, which was not so much if you kept them high as hell. Nowadays I have no idea, but guys shouldn’t wear girl pants, that’s my main problem. Some of their music is actually good as hell to. I recently discovered that My Chemical Romance has some pretty fuckin sweet music. And I heard some good stuff by the Used. Whatever. Emo’s are alright in my book, but I still like making fun of them for being fags.

Pure Evyl says:

I wonder when the handbags will come with matching cutting tools.

May says:

You know this about me already, and you know I don’t care if the internet knows. I have been a “I’m A Slave To My Accessories And Yes I’m Wearing A Tiara” Emo for fucking ever. I still own more than one tiara and you know I wear leggings under my jean skirts with obnoxious tshirts. For the record I love My Chemical Romance, always have, yes and The Used and and and yes, Dashboard Confessional.

Let’s recall this photo, that you were part of – taken earlier this year…

Go Emo May, go! 😉

I. Love. That. Picture. That’s the way to be Emo and still be cool. “Yeah, I’m Emo, what about it?” You’re in the unique position of not having a day job so you can sit in front of your computer all day rocking to “Famous Last Words” and wearing your tiara! You win! 😀

Oh god, remember that day with the Emo hair forums? Oh the laughter! Oh the tears!

May says:

Nikki and I still talk about it! If I show up at her place looking a little too ‘classically emo’ she always asks ‘have you been reading the emo hair forum again?!’

romi41 says:

hahahahaha…..I wore a stripey scarf the other day but it was pale yellow and white so I didn’t cut myself…LOL

And oh my god, the meticulous-hair-emo is hands down my favourite…the funny thing is you just know that he doesn’t have a “six-pack”, it’s just a “rib pack”!

PS: a while back I saw vintage tees at Zellers and I laughed my ass off (and yes I go to Zellers sometimes, they have good prices on snack foods… 😉 )

@ may: seriously, that was a hilarious night, i was DYING laughing. all the backseat-of-the-minivan shots were PRICELESS!

@ romi: hey i’m all over this short little patio table with built in seats that swing out that i saw in a zellers ad, but yeah that’s exactly what i’m talking about! kids in ajax are getting their moms to buy them vintage crap at 20% off during zellers days with their baby sister drooling in the shopping cart. at least may does the scene right with having been a zine kid and actually knowing of underground bands and the genre etc., and you do it right by not actually being emo at all 😛

May says:

Yes! I love it. All my obnoxious tees are at least 20 years old, the ones from Dad are way older than that. We don’t call him emo though, he’s ‘authentically vintage’, plus the serious pipes and slight aggression sort of remove him from the emo category all together. 😉

I love that being a retired zine kid is proving to be good for something, besides my ability to cut and paste.

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