Christmastime in the Emerald City

{August 8, 2008}   This Bud’s For You

Alright. Celebrity has-beens. We all love them, we all love to make fun of them, and we all occasionally wonder where they are now.

During our last episode, I was particularly impressed with Macaulay Culkin’s social slippage into Marilyn Manson’s makeup brush licker, a fate only surpassed by being Michael Jackson’s makeup brush licker. One would never have guessed, all those face-slapping eons ago, that the cute-faced, freshly scrubbed little child wonder would grow up to wear tu-tone eyeshadow with an atrocious shade of lipstick and a wild assortment of feathers.

But what happened to the rest of that busy holiday household? As I recall, there were far too many of them to count, the premise behind young Kevin’s criminal abandonment in the first place. (Yeah, did anyone ever wonder about that? Why wouldn’t you call the cops to check on your abandoned child? Fear of criminal charges no doubt. If I were that kid, the wonder of having my family home for Christmas would soon succumb to the intoxicating power that is blackmail.)

So fuck the majority of those kids. The only one that stands out is Bud, the tarantuala weilding assmuncher of an older brother/cousin/vague relative of some sort. He was slightly chubby, with mildly bucked teeth and the safely spiked hair that told us he was a cool kid without giving us any ideas that could possibly lead to midnight escorts home in the back of a cruiser.

Oh snap, the kids name is actually Buzz. Bud, Buzz, whatever. Buzz cola, still has that nice product-marketing jingle to it.

This was him then:

Ah yes. ‘Phlegmwad’. Excellent choice of words for the juvenile mudslinger. We all know Buzz hated Kevin for being such a quote-unquote ‘phlegmwad’, and gunking up his cool status by trashing his room no doubt spiffied up for some hot chick with neon ankle warmers. And Devin Ratray, as he is actually known, no doubt disliked Macaulay to some extent for being the ridiculously overpriced child actor that Devin never was.

Personally, I was completely expecting this young boy to grow up and get an actual job, no doubt involving his protrayed fetish for tarantulas and subsequently getting fired for trying to cross his own genes with the creatures, resulting in either a suspicious death or at the very least a new strain of venereal disease blamed on monkeys for the first twenty years of its existence.

Turns out I’m right. Peep this:

No wait, that’s not him. That’s his understudy.

Buzz himself has actually been getting a fair amount of work on Law and Order, Third Watch and the like. Not that anyone cares, because he never accidentally smeared his face with aftershave and yodelled humourously through an empty house. Either way, here he is now:

Wow. Not looking too thrilled with his latest gig. It seems that despite having more longevity than his overpaid counterpart, Buzz is still pretty pissed at not being afforded his own personal groomer. That unfortunate side part, limp and thinning hair and creeping obesity are nothing more than stinging reminders that if you don’t bust onto the scene with a quick gimmick, you’re pretty much fucked.

Yep, old Macaulay had it all, the style, the entourage, the widely recognized public appearances.




Bud, Buzz, whoever you are. Any monetary/attention bitterness aside, I’m pretty sure you’re counting your blessings. At least you should be.


DUDE!!! What’s that last pic from??? The boy just keeps getting more and more freakishly bizarre. Michael Jackson totally screwed that boy… up in the head. 😛 😉

Is it just me or is the Steve Buscemi molestache a creepy sign of scandals to come? The last pic is from google, natch 😛

talea says:

Dude, they totally DID call the cops remember? The cops went over and Kevin didn’t answer the door. Obvs, you do not have the memory for that movie that I so sadly seem to.

Aren’t you the one who never remembers movie stuff? Anyways, I do remember that now, but I like to pick holes in plots (because if I can write a seamless story, so should screenwriters…especially if I have to pay to see their stuff). Really, you knock on the door and the kid doesn’t answer? Oh well he must be fine then. Ten year old home by himself with a rash of burglaries in the area, there’s NO WAY anything can be wrong. Shit, that’d warrant an all out Amber Alert nowadays. Haha, Martin Scorsese does Home Alone. Awesome.

duffboy says:

“Martin Scorsese does Home Alone. Awesome.” Can you imagine… the cops knock on the door, and little Kevin points a gun at them: “Are you talking to me?”. That WOULD be awesome.

Dude, I think that last picture could totally fit in with that. Someone should just put together a montage of all his weird pictures to some sort of Thriller background music.

Josh says:

Dude, since Mccauley is all lady boy tranny style now, I wonder if he’s got a huge dick or a little dick, and if he gives or receives. Can you google image that for me? I kind of don’t want too.

No way dude, remember how my last computer crash?

romi41 says:

“Not that anyone cares, because he never accidentally smeared his face with aftershave and yodelled humourously through an empty house”….HAHAHAHA…oh I needed that, thanks for the laugh 🙂 …Buzz is really a grimy looking creature these days…and as for Kevin-cuteness, remember when he was buying a toothbrush and fabric softener and spinach all by himself at the grocery store? That cashier was a real bitch to him though…giving him all kinds of attitude ’cause he didn’t have parents…where’s your sense of capitalism you dumm cashier-chick? The boy’s got money let him through!!!

Haha, I did an almost similar thing while lost on the friggin bus the other day. There were these three girls who, as the bus began to empty as we wandered farther into the subdivision, were unaccompanied. Nobody wants to be the nosy busybody, but I became more and more concerned and was about to go up to the bus driver and tell them that some skank ass Scaroborough mom had clearly left her kids on the bus all day instead of paying for daycare. Then of course the bus driver turned to them and said “Hey girls, look at that tree that got struck by lightning. We’ll have to tell your mother when we get home.” So I almost made an ass of myself.

Wait, that has nothing to do with anything. Except maybe being presumptious like the cashier. Nevermind, it’s ten am and I’ve only had one coffee.

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