Christmastime in the Emerald City

{August 4, 2008}   I Heart Free Shit

Not literally, though I came pretty close today with free coffee grounds to be used as fertilizer, and shit being another form of fertilizer. But you know what I mean. I fucking love free stuff.

Okay, I know you’re all dying to know what happend to Bud, but I’m getting to that (I’m actually thinking of a Bud themed post, because I’m now curious about Bud from Married with Children. But I can’t think of any other Buds, so help me out if you know of any.) In the meantime, this thought struck me today, and I feel like telling you about it.

You see, I’m saving up like an absolute lunatic (or at least I was until I blew $400 today on a proper work wardrobe that I have desperately needed for about a year) because one fucking way or another, Josh or myself is going to cross the goddamned expensive border. And I’m not a very patient person. These legal type people don’t seem to understand, I’m above waiting for shit: I’m just going to hold out my hand here, and you’re going to fill it with green cards and fucking cookies. Alas, I’m still coming to terms with my inability to manipulate time, space and humans beyond a certain extent, and so I’m saving my pennies.

I never thought I’d be the one to say this, but I’ve come to fucking HATE spending money.

Because I’m so used to winning at everything I put my hand to, I turn everything into a battle. It’s not entirely healthy, but it gets the job done nine times out of ten. Wake up in the morning after a lazy smoke filled afternoon to the crunch and rustle of several empty Doritos bags: FUCK! I dropped the ball. Stumble upon a sale at Shoppers where that fancy ass thai-rice-in-a-box shit that’s normally $3.50 (and OFF the shopping list) is clearanced at a buck? Oh sweet mother of all things good and holy, PAYDIRT! I am stocking up. That’s half of two dinners (or one whole dinner if I’m really lazy, but I try to avoid that) for one frikkin’ dollar! I win, oh push those tanks across the map fellows, I am on my way. Have the absolute gall to tell me that I might benefit from some three-times-more-expensive carb free pasta? Fuck you and your horse range rider, get the fuck off my lawn.

You see where this is going.

I figured I’d share with you a fun list of all the free shit I’ve managed to get my grubby little paws on. My grandmother would be proud to see her own resourceful genes carried on in the wobbly weak arms of her eldest granddaughter struggling to carry an abandoned dresser up a narrow flight of stairs. I don’t care what the hell you think or how retarded I looked. My tv is now sitting on a free fucking dresser yo, and it stores all the shoes I bought before I realized that money is kind of important. All my knitting is in a large blue trunk dragged up from my curb with the help of Talea, who seriously wanted to take it herself but alas lives further away from my curb than I. All the knitting, by the way, is intended for projects to be sold online and in consignment stores, thus making a profit of my hobby.

Cable? Free. It’s called sticking a wire out the window and creating a decent schedule around seven free channels, three of which are often foreign. Fuck paying for that shit, I get a decent dose of The Simpsons, Family Guy, American Dad, King of the Hill (I like cartoons, fuck off) Friends, Two and a Half Men, The Rick Mercer Report, a variety of vaguely humourous Canadian shows (not including Rick Mercer who is always hilarious and correct) as well as my apparent other boyfriend George Stroumboulopoulos of The Hour (I never authorized this title, but he introduces himself every night with “I am your boyfriend George Stroumboulopoulos” and CBC stopped taking my calls, so I guess I’m stuck.) Free cable is the shit.

Today at Starbucks (I know, I failed again, but a girl needs caffeine sometimes) they were giving out bags of free coffee grounds to dump in your garden. How awesome is that? My neighbourhood is so green, even Starbucks plays along. Anyways, I didn’t take them because I didn’t feel like carrying them, but I’ve recently started indoor gardening, so I will definitely take them up on their offer in the future. Two of three plants, by the way, were taken from work after it was determined that we had too many plants kicking around the front desk.

My sweetest nab so far has been a free router. No, I didn’t steal it. It was a case of finders-keepers-one-month-and-still-no-claims-to-ownership-later.

And now, in awesome full circleness, I get free Doritos for my lazy smoke filled evenings. Because we stock little bags of chips, cheesies and the like in the office I share with Talea, you see. We sell them to our clients, just one more little bit of convenience offered as part of the corporate package – now you don’t even have to wait for the elevator. A lot of people prefer the elevator, it seems, or maybe they just don’t like Doritos. But either way we’ve got Doritos to spare, and as soon as they hit the expiry date corporate compliance demands we get rid of them. And before you go green on me, shut up. They’re DORITOS. Maybe a month from now they’ll be a bit stale, but they don’t grow mould overnight or ever.

Free. Shit. Rules.

Unless it’s actual shit. Again, not interested. Thanks.


Josh says:

Ok, Bud, as in Budweiser comes to mind. Then of course there’s the other recreational bud, if you know what I mean. And Budd Dwyer. (look that one up) (nah don’t, I don’t watn to surprise you, he shot himself in the face on TV) I can’t think of any others at the moment, but bud seems like a very good name. Hell we call our friends bud. Or at least I do.

And I love getting free shit too. Especially at work. Sometimes I find tools and they let me keep them. I’ve collected quite a few that way. And let’s not discount all those fire extinguishers, which may not be useful, but sure are fun. I get free hats. Free band aids, so long as I need them at work. I get free Gatorade, so long as I drink it at work. Or how about those people who work for the cigarette companies that scan your ID and give you free cigarettes at the bar? Or the Budweiser girls who come around every so often and whore themselves out with tons of free beads and coozies and shit. I got a pink … uh … what do you call those weird tennis hats that just have the brim and the band, but not the head part? Whatever those are, I got one free, then it got stoled by this ho I was with. Free stuff is awesome. But you don’t really need to get organic stuff from Starbucks, you could just set up a compost bin that hangs off your window sill and make your own compost at home. It would probably be better for your plants anyway. Nothing is quite as creepy as jittery flowers.

talea says:

I am the QUEEN of free shit. And if I can’t get it free, it shall be heavily discounted.
Free bookshelf? Yes. Free mattress? Yes. Second mattress at a redonculous discount? Yes. Free vases? Yes. Free replacement of brand new TV for no reason? Yes. Free shit at every restaurant in the city? Yes. I got a lot more stuff for free, but I can’t remember any of it. Oh, I got a free martini shaker once too. Free bakers rack from Ikea? Check.
Dude, there were way too many coffee grounds there for you and your small indoor plot anyways.

And I can’t WAIT until the chocolate bars expire. cuz you know those cheap bastards won’t buy them. I shall bide my cheap time.

romi41 says:

Oh my gosh, you can totally eat chips well past the supposed “expiry” prime…same with cereal, so I love when cereal goes on Clearance 🙂

Summer at Yonge and Eglinton is always a good time for free-shit…seems like almost every day at lunch there are some short-short wearing ‘ho’s in baseball caps giving out free Nestea cans of Green Iced Tea, or free Fibre 1 granola bars (they actually sold me on those as I bought two boxes today) and the like…it’s wondrous 🙂

I got free coffee from starbucks on more than once occasion. Wanna know how i did it? Theres a starbucks in the building i work in so i rang them up ordered my coffee, took the correct amount of change with me. Order came up the bar, i took it and walked out. Cash in hand. I did this for about a month before i started feeling bad. A while ago they forgot to make my coffee so they made me another one and gave me a free voucher. woo!

I have walked out of resturants without paying either. I dont feel bad about that.

I want to watch home alone now.

duffboy says:

“Greencards and cookies”, what can possibly go wrong? Who doesn’t like Doritos? They may be overpriced, but they are oh so good…

@ Le Boyfriend: Free cigarettes? We don’t have that here 😦 And jittery flowers would be hilarious, you don’t think that if I sprinkled them with coffee they’d grow like mad?

@ Talea: You are my free-stuff mentor. That free mattress story? My inspiration.

@ Romi: Dollar boxes of Cinnamon Toast Crunch at Shoppers! Hells yeah!

@ Queenie: I don’t do the restaurant thing just cause I’ve worked in the industry (catering, restaurant, whatevs) but I did get hit on by a really obnoxious dude in a bar once, so after he left I swiped the tip he had left and used it for the cab home. Thinking back, that wasn’t fair to the bartender, but he was kind of douchey anyways. In fact, the entire bar was douchey.

@ Duffboy: Josh does not like Doritos. I don’t understand. But it also means I don’t have to share 😀

Josh says:

Well, I mean coffee grounds are good for compost, but usually people have other stuff in there too. Not just the coffee. I wonder if your flowers would smell like coffee? And you mean you guys don’t ever have people who give out free stuff so they can scan your ID and send you shit in the mail that makes you want more cigarettes? I get all kinds of stuff from Camel, it’s great.

No dude, we don’t have any of that. There is a serious damper being put on all things cigarette related. They are even kept in cupboards in stores so that you can’t walk in and see them all and think “Ooooh, cigarettes…. yeah, maybe I will.” You have to walk in there knowing what you want, it’s designed to decrease the amount of new smokers. Considering my taxes pay for future emphesima treatment, I’m all for it. Get the hell out of my pocket you lame teenagers!

As for the flowers, I think coffee smelling flowers would be awesome.

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