Christmastime in the Emerald City











{May 27, 2008}   Your Official Source for Unbiased Media

We all know that just about every news story you see, from the indepth expose to the little reel of text across the bottom of the screen, has one form or another of bias. Frustrating isn’t it? All you want to know is what’s going on outside but somewhere out there is a huddled mass of enigmatic shadows deciding whether you should donate all your money to a lost cause or lock yourselves up in a basement against all the unholy evil in the world. How often do you watch a thirty second clip and think “what the hell is really going on?”

Well I have all the answers, natch. And so I share my insight with all you wonderful people. Of course, I don’t have time to explain the glorious, glorious truth behind every single flicker of media out there, so let’s just focus on a fantastic few.

By the way I might not be able to link you to all the stories because most of them were stumbled upon in a hazy stupor involving OMNI News South Asian Edition (I’m Caucasian for those who haven’t noticed) and a pot of French Onion soup, fancy bowl included.

 

FOURTH FOOT FOUND

HOLY FUCKING GROSS BATMAN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Premise: So the article mentions the third foot found this past February, which I guess means Google hasn’t caught up yet since I just caught wind of the fourth. Four random feet have washed up along the west coast and nobody knows what the hell is going on. Always a right foot, in a sock, in a shoe. Meanwhile, CSI ratings are skyrocketing.

The Ugly, Ugly Truth: You know that fresh Pacific sushi? Yeah. Take that you trendy west coast hippie bastards.

 

DEADLY WATERMELONS

DEADLY DEADLY WATERMELONS

 

 

 

 

 

 

Premise: Kid at Wal-Mart reaches into a bin of seedless watermelons imported from Mexico and gets stung by a fucking scorpion. Like shopping at Wal-Mart isn’t scary enough. Hippies everywhere are freaking out about the co-demon of Wal-Mart feat. Genetically Modified Foodstuffs.

Cold Hard Fact: Mexico is coming. Run.

 

PIRATE ATTACKS UP TEN PERCENT

THIS PIRATE CAN TAKE MY NINJA STARS ANY DAY....WHICH IS A PRETTY CRAP INNUENDO. I FIND JOHNNY DEPP ATTRACTIVE. THERE...YES THAT'S MUCH BETTER

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Premise: Thank you George Stroumboulopoulos (or Snuffleupagus if you ask Josh) for bringing the most important news into my living room on a nightly basis. Unfortunately, last nights episode isn’t up on YouTube yet, and the hockey game screwed up CBC’s schedule, meaning it was on an hour later than usual. Consequently, I don’t remember much of it, particularly which coast it pertains to, but I do know this: pirate attacks are up ten percent. Yes pirates do exist and they have guns instead of swords, but the swashbuckling spirit of stealing other people’s loot is still high and mighty.

What You Only Wish You Had Realized: The nerdy 1337speak subdwellers controlling the counterculture of witty tshirts, webcomics, humorously captioned felines and the eternal pirates vs. ninjas battle have broken the fourth computer wall to bring the epik crusade right into our living rooms. Or high seas. Whatevs noobs.

TENNIS PLAYERS NARROWLY AVOID DEATH

DEATH BY TENNIS. YOU TOTALLY HAD IT COMING.

 

 

 

 

 

Premise: Completely accidental collapse of tree narrowly misses four tennis players who get together on a weekly basis to flash their sweater sets and call each other Muffy. No ankle socks were injured, and the group continued their game on another court after 911 was called to remove the tree so they could get out.

Reality Bites: Attempted insurance scam by the guy who sweeps the court after every adorable game. His car was crushed by the tree that was in actual fact coated with a blend of molecular particles designed to seep into the roots and rot them out, causing the crash. Unfortunately, the car was not only under the MacGuyvered tree but under a No Parking sign as well. Fail.

TRUCK PLOWS INTO GARDEN CENTRE AND OLD LADY THEREIN

I DIDN'T MEAN PLOW IN THE SENSE THAT YOU MAY HAVE ASSUMED

 

 

 

 

 

Premise: Some dude crashes his big ass truck into a garden centre, and then passes out with his foot still on the pedal, burning rubber until the paramedics drag him out. Both he and the little old lady he smacked into are taken to the hospital with non-life threatening injuries. Passerby scratch their heads and wonder what the dealio. Police suspect a possible medical condition.

Stranger Than Fiction: Medical condition indeed, but on the part of the little old lady, not the driver. She was up to her ass in debt from all the medicinal marijuana the driver has been selling since he confiscated that first baggie from his son back in 1993. Attempted smackdown. Fail.

 

So there you have it folks. Sorry I couldn’t explain the entire universe and such, but I have bills to pay and therefore a job to do and all that noise. But feel free to ask for my crystal clear bias free opinion on anything that’s been nagging at your little brains. I’ll hook you right up with the facts, yo.

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You ought to get a job on Fox News so they can be more fair and more balanced. 😛



Josh says:

Four feet, four Saw sequels. Coincidence? Maybe, maybe not, Hollywood is in california after all. Just sayin. Watermelons are cool, and so are scorpions. People need to be less faggy and more cock diesel. I used to hunt scorpions with my grandpa when I was a little kid, they aren’t that bad ass. I don’t get the whole pirate vs. nina thing, I mean they are both really really cool and bad ass and deadly, why make them less so by arguing about it in dark virginal internet forums? Probably because you suck. I say pirates and ninjas are both cooler than pretty much anything you have ever seen. Here’s a fun game, try and knock out those tall ass lights they have around tennis courts with a rock. It’s fucking hard as hell, especially when you’re drunk, and it’s the middle of the night. This last story was my favorite. For once it was the old people who have become victims of crazy ass shitty driving in public places. Take that elderly!



talea says:

Mexico is coming. Run!
Priceless.
I just don’t understand how people aren’t figuring out who’s cutting off their feet. Personally, I’d notice that. This seems like an easy one to figure out. Find the gimps, ask them who they were hanging out with before they lost an extremity.
Whatevs, I’m no detective.
Haha. Mexico.



romi41 says:

Hahahaha…this was awesome, I never need to watch news again! 🙂 AND OMG…my dad SO watches OMNI News South Asian edition, but sometimes he forgets what night it’s on and the OMNI News Korean edition starts up and he’s like “WTF”???

“Completely accidental collapse of tree narrowly misses four tennis players who get together on a weekly basis to flash their sweater sets and call each other Muffy. No ankle socks were injured…”…LMAO…Muffy!!! I fucking love you, in case you didn’t know 😉



@ Parkour: I would give myself approximately one day at Fox News before screaming WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!?!?!?

@ Le Boyfriend: Dude, I never even thought of the correlation between Saw and wordly macabre before. This is why I keep you around, you’ve got the super rad ideas. And “Take that elderly”? Heart 😀

@ Talea: I know, right? How funny an idea is that? The Mexicans are coming that is hi-lay!

@ Romi: Ha, I knew your dad would watch that, I totally did. And the ankle sock this was a poke at Josh. Men wear ankle socks in the south. I have seen it. But yeah, do you remember those commercials promoting Showcase with all the sexual exploration stuff? And that girl on the tennis court saying “They don’t call me Muffy for nothing you know. Thanks showcase!” Yeah, that’s where that comes from. 😀



Pure Evyl says:

I bet that it will be discovered that the feet are coming from shady funeral homes that are selling surplus short caskets and then cutting off corpses feet to make them fit.



@ Evyl: Procrustes meats capitalism! I like!



Billy says:

I like getting my news from you more than anywhere else.



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