Christmastime in the Emerald City

{May 13, 2008}   Everything Wrong in the World: Soundtrack Now Available.

Dear Miley Cyrus:

I despise you quite a bit right now. Your tarted up face is everywhere, and your vapid lyrics are put forth through your mechanical voice everywhere I fucking go. I’d feel sorry for you if you didn’t seem to be enjoying yourself so much. My problem with you is that you’re a fake. That’s right, a great big phony. Let’s investigate the walking pile of lies that is you and everything you hold dear. Hold my hand on this journey child, your training bra doesn’t give you the right to cross the street by yourself just yet.

Firstly is your alter ego, Hannah Montana. I know you’re not much more than a walking Disney creation, but now that you’ve decided to crack your Mickey Mouse shell and start singing vaguely sexual lyrics (since those budding boobies are nothing more than two chubby cash cows in this industry), I don’t want to hear the name Hannah Montana ever again. Miley isn’t your real name either, but it’s sure as hell better than Hope or Destiny, so take the damn name and run with it.

Secondly, you can’t sing. You can’t even pretend to sing. I fully realize that when I was thirteen I had a crush on the Backstreet Boys, but at no point did I accredit them with any sort of artistic merit. They were fodder for my blooming sexuality and innocent daydreams of holding hands in parks. I’m quite sure there aren’t that many thirteen year old budding lesbians, and am not at all certain if one even knows if they are a lesbian at that point, so your celebrity confuses me greatly. Why do flocks of fans buy enough of your prefab albums to skyrocket your ass to the cover of enough magazines to even make it onto my radar, let alone piss me off? The Backstreet Boys could at least bust out with a decent a capella harmony, there being five of them and all. You can’t even sync up with the Studio Magic background track that makes you sound worse than Cher’s half-ass Framptonesque warbling on “Believe”. It’s bad enough that you rely so heavily on the post-production vocal version of photoshopping, but you can’t even do that right!!! STOP IT!!!

Thirdly, when you do sing, you sing shit. I don’t mean you sing poorly, we’ve already covered that. You know how “talking shit” implies slanderous, overdone untruths? Well you sing shit. You sing about rainbow flavoured love and make vague references to deep internal feelings like you’ve discovered your G spot for the first time. YOU’RE FIFTEEN!!!! I could probably go to jail for even MENTIONING that! Have you even gotten your period yet? Your meaningless lies about the cute boy at school are an unforgiveable insult to the great artists of our time who have loved and lost and written a decent fucking song about it! Go listen to Janis Joplin’s “Bobby McGee” you air headed little twerp. Now THAT is some soul! How the breath coming out of your glossed over mouth hasn’t turned bubblegum fucking pink yet is absolutely beyond me, but I would greatly appreciate it if you kept it in the schoolyard where it belongs.

Fourthly, and most offensively, you’re fucking stupid. I know Daddy is a country star and that’s why you’re famous, but being famous in the country-star sort of way is nothing at all like being famous in the pop-star kind of way. Country has it’s own flavour of soul and generally comes from authenticity. As a poptart, you’re no more than an oversized piggy bank. You’re pretty and sparkly, and so Industry Execs put money into the entity that is Miley Cyrus Inc. in order to get more money out in the end. That money pays for your wardrobe, your tourbus, your makeup and hair, and enough Studio Magic to make your voice palatable enough for incessant radio play. Sure you’re getting quite a few bucks out of it, but they’re getting even more. If they weren’t, they wouldn’t be giving you your shiny pink big-girl pants in the first place, would they? They make money off you. It’s that simple. You’re a cash cow: they feed you lies and you shit them gold, with enough left over for you to tell yourself that it’s all okay. If you’re fine with that, alrighty then. We all have to abandon a few of our morals in order to pay our rent. What you don’t seem to realize is that as soon as you become an actual grown up, your appeal will have worn off and you’ll be dumped quicker than Britney after a crying jag. And that, my dear, makes you stupid.

Since stupid people generally understand concepts a little better with pretty pictures, lets take a look.










Disney’s Hannah Montana… 











 Plus lots of cash… 


















Equals Little Miss “I’m going to shake my booty even though I don’t really know what it’s for yet, and give millions of teenyboppers the impression that they know what the hell they are talking about when they get all lovestruck up in their not-yet-completely-formed brains and start making everyone else’s life a living hell with their sparkly lipgloss drama.”


Please also note the byproduct of this equation:











That would be money to the power of ten.

Unfortunately, this is not a stable equation. With the addition of TIME the BYPRODUCT decreases, resulting in less money for professional hair, makeup, wardrobe and sound.

The final outcome looks more like this:












That’s right! It’ll happen to you too! Stop now and spare yourself the humiliation. And spare my ears while you’re at it.



P.S. In case you still don’t believe me, I’m pretty sure my bff Talea is just about to rail on your ass for your parade of shittiness as well. Please click here for further demonstration of your inability to produce anything of worth to society.


Nice writing style. I will come back to read more posts from you.

Susan Kishner

Josh says:

As a guy who’s been locked up, and will probably be locked up again, let me just say this, girls who are illegal to fuck should not be allowed to look like that. She’s fucking jail bait. And she encourages other jail bait to dress and act like that too. If you can’t legally fuck real adults, you shouldn’t dress like one. I believe if you dress like a hooker, you should be treated like a hooker. If I meet some bitch ass little white kid dressed in Fubu, and saggy ass jeans, with a bunch of chains, I’m gonna treat him like a wigger jack off whether he is or not. If I dress up in white robes with a big pointy hat, I would expect black people would kick my ass, wheteher or not I’m actually in the KKK.

Attention little girls: stop dressing like sluts if you don’t want to get raped! And all parents of little girls, stop being jack asses and beat your kids ass, and change their wardrobe, unless you want a 15 year old bitch getting knocked up and leaving you footing the bill! Fucking idiots.

Josh says:

Damn you Susan Kishner! You snuck in and stole the coveted first comment slot! You will rue the day! I’ll get you if it’s the last thing I do!

Nah, just kidding.

@ Susan: Thanks for stopping by!

@ Le Boyfriend: I’d kick your ass too if you dressed like the KKK…or a wigger jackoff…or a hooker…or a teenybopper. Um…can you just stick to the wifebeaters please? Kthxbai 😀

@ Le Boyfriend again: It’s okay, I’ll let you be first next time.

Pssst…your Talea link needs fix’n. Great post. Every time I see her on a magazine cover it makes me ill. Josh was spot on with his comments. Someone needs to kick Billy Ray’s ass for pimp’n out his daughter. That’s just sick. Ok, nuff said. :mrgreen:

I’m just so danged mad that this little chick (that I had not really heard of before about 3 months ago)has totally crashed our annual 4 of July festival around here…tickets sold out in an hour. And most folks around here only ever go to see the fireworks any how. Can ya tell I’m ticked…OK so I usally get my seats for free and now it’ll cost me over $100 for 1 seat. I’m steamed!

@ Evyl: You’re goddamned right I’m a hater! Goddamned pop princess motherfuckers! Booyah! Hahahaha 😀

@ Peter Parkour: It is sick! What is wrong with this man!? “Oh, I’m just helping my daughter realize her dream.” Of what?! Pimping her ass out?!?! Teach her to write country, at least let her keep her integrity, my god man! And thanks, I fixed the link 🙂

@ Cowgal: See? She’s ruining everyone’s life. Poptart jerkface owes you some potato salad and fireworks as far as I’m concerned.

2lazydogs says:

Wow…I got so worked up reading this that I started biting my nails. Dammit…now I have none left to claw Miley’s eyes out with.

My 9 yr. old girl child adored Miley (notice the past tense)and then she heard about the Vanity Fair photos; to which her response was, “That is just WRONG, she is ridiculous” Ha!

@ 2lazydogs: Your 9 year old rocks for having the sense to see bullshit in its glossiest form. Tell her some random stranger she’s never met says she’s awesome. Thanks!

QueenBitch says:

I’m soooooooo sick of her. She is like a fucken disease shes everywhere!!
and her show is so cheesy. I dont get why lil kids like her and why parents let their kids dress like her. I Was never allowed to dress that way.

romi41 says:

hahahaha…”sparkly lipgloss drama”, is there any other kind? 😉

PS: I love Josh’s comment; you guys are gonna be the best parents ever 🙂

PPS: oh but she WILL have a stellar career once she comes of age, since Hugh Hefner offered her to do a Playboy “spread” as soon as she turns 18…she’s going to the top!!

Andrea says:

A while back, some guy tried to hijack a Southwest flight so he could suicide bomb the arena where Miley Cyrus was performing. How great is that?

duffboy says:

This may come as a shock to you, but here in Latinamerica, we live for inappropiate teeny-bopperism. In fact, it has sustained many of our economies for a few decades now. Hey, I never said we were proud of it;)

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