Christmastime in the Emerald City











{May 6, 2008}   Whatever Happened To…? Probabilities, and Far More Hilarious Possibilities

So there’s a couple of things in life that are pretty unavoidable. Death and taxes, for example, at least until I finish up with the cryogenic reasearch (not for me, I’m already immortal, but for the bastards who keep taking my money). Another is celebrity gossip, at least in snippet form. I know none of you would dream of picking up the US weekly going on about Brangelina’s latest addition to their multicoloured genetic sampling, or Oprah’s most recent weighing in. But the information still manages to worm its way into your innocent bystander brain. You know Beyonce and Jay-Z got married whether you give a shit or not, and that Britney has gone from being tasteless to flat out fucking nuts. Because when you’re in a lineup at the grocery store and the feeble old lady in front of you insists on counting out her pennies, your eye will naturally wander to the giant bold font of every colourful magazine with its scantily clad wares on full display. You know Lindsay Lohan is about as classy as a puke filled tobacco spittoon, and I can guarantee that nobody wants to hear the name Miley Cyrus ever again.

Frankly, it’s getting a little old. I really can’t see much of a difference between Britney and Lindsay. They’re both blonde, strung out fodder for magazine punchlines, and neither of them have a smidgen remaining of any potential they may have once had. Mariah Carey is STILL struggling with her image and posing with the exact same facial expressions that she’s been carrying around in her luggage for the past decade and a half since she decided to flatiron her hair. And yes, J-Lo still has a great big booty. BORING!

You know what I miss? The fun-tastic celebrities of yore. The face-slapping antics of Macaulay Culkin and the goggle-wearing goodness of the entity forever known as “that Urkel kid”. We all know where Will Smith is nowadays, but what about Carlton? Or Hilary, who once made a huge deal over a boyfriend with a mole and was given the snappiest line ever: “You’re making a mountain out of a mole, Hill!” What’s Emilo Estevez up to these days? I haven’t heard anything about him since Will Ferrell drunkenly rambled his name back at the Roxbury. And Screech! Come on! Why aren’t these guys on the Surreal Life?

Well fine then. I’ll do it my damn self. I’ll find out what the hell happened to these people. And in the meantime, I’ll think up some fun alternate endings that would have ensured their lasting memory instead of their imminent disolve into obscurity.

Macaulay Culkin:

I really don’t know if I can come up with anything more insulting or outlandish than this photo, but just for the sake of morbid curiosity, I’ll switch from Google images to just plain Google.

Let’s see. Well firstly, he was arrested for marijuana possession back in September of 2004, probably still self-medicating after his harrowing Michael Jackson ordeal. He’s had a failed marriage or two, but who hasn’t? Oh here’s an interesting tidbit: he apparently bought Marilyn Manson his first pack of cigarettes for his role in Party Monster (yeah, I’ve never heard of it either). And it seems he stopped accepting roles while his parents were seperating because they were squabbling over his money like wonderful parents do, and after the flop of such atrocities as Richie Rich, never made it back into the limelight.

Cause of Obscurity: Fucked over by parents. It seems all the fame and money in the world can’t stop the inevitable.

Far Better Explanation: While he may have thought it ironic that he was corrupting a previously cancer free Marilyn Manson with his bad boy smoking ways, the tables were clearly turned shortly thereafter when Macaulay was roped into the Mechanical Animals as an understudy. He never got a chance to wear the boob-suit however, because his outlandish choice of personal styling was what Marilyn describes as “just a little too weird for my taste.” Macaulay currently remains in Marilyn’s employ by licking makeup brushes clean in exchange for petty cash and vitamins. Jackson is coming for him soon, he promised, he promised.

Steve Urkel:

Although the irony of the actors name – Jaleel White – does not escape me, the simple truth is that you probably didn’t even know what it was. He is, and always will be, just plain Urkel. But after his final nasally rendition of “Did I do thaaaaaat?” he was never heard from again. At least not so that anyone would notice. Did you know Bea Arthur performed the Urkel dance with him on stage at the American Comedy Awards? That’s cause Bea Arthur kicks your mothers ass.

After Family Matters got the boot, Urkel tried to write and star in his own show called GrownUps, which was a clearly failed attempt to carry along his childhood fame into adulthood. Bringing along Punky Brewster didn’t help, and the show tanked. Since then, he has managed to get a few bit parts here and there instead of tastefully hanging up the suspenders and calling it a day.

Cause of Obscurity: Cancer of the pseudonym. Without Urkel, there is no Jaleel White. I’m sure his friends and family will claim otherwise, but they are wrong.

Far Better Explanation: Urkel and Bea Arthur got married on the hills of Pasadena and now own a ranch known affectionately as “Burkel.” They have three children, all named “Argyle” and rivalled only by Michael Jackson’s kids for the collective title of “Most Obscure and Probably Really Ugly”. We’re not quite sure how, but they are in fact responsible for the crisis in the Middle East. Something about a Burkel brand Burka, with a terrible, terrible misunderstanding along the way. A camel was also involved.

Alfonso Ribeiro:

You probably didn’t know his real name either, but it was mentioned on Family Guy, so that’s good enough validation for me. I do know he was on another show, since that was the point of the reference, but I can’t for the life of me find it. And by “find” I mean “click more than one Google link”.

At any rate, Alfonso went through a divorce as well, and handed physical custody of his daughter over to his wife while still insisting on joint legal custody. Clearly this child is being primed for showbiz and a future battle over the assets gained by her no doubt gapped teeth. Alfonso himself appears to have never gotten over the loss of fame once promised him when he was cast in one of Michael Jackson’s Pepsi commercials, and has most recently been seen in a McDonalds’s ad.

Cause of Obscurity: Graciously exited the scene after McDonald’s told him he wasn’t black enough for them. He is now a professional dancer. I’m not even kidding.

Far Better Explanation:  Are you retarded?!? He’s doing the Carlton Dance for a living! What could possibly be better than that?!?

Hilary Banks:

Unworthy of any mention of her real name, not much is known about this elusive character except that she was a bit of a jerk on Fresh Prince. She was also on Blossom before that, as clearly indicated by the headgear, and had a brief stint on Melrose Place as well. Nobody has seen or heard of her since she appeared in The Ladies Man back in 2000. It was filmed in Toronto, and yet I don’t recall it – either a testament to our more presitgious productions or to just how lame a gig one gets after sporting ridiculous hats for a decade. Either way, she seems to have been filtered out of the far more talented (term used liberally) ranks we see on television today.

Sidebar: IMDB member blaque108 informs us that Hilary was on the cover of Ebony once upon a time. Thanks blaque108.

Cause of Obscurity: The hat, clearly. Whereas Michael Jackson absolutely made his career by sporting a mysteriously bedazzled white glove, this atrocious number never made it out of the early 90’s. Not seen in this photo are tendencies towards spandex, wild prints, mirrorball earrings, parachute pants and other era-approrpriate faux-pas including the themesong to Darkwing Duck playing constantly in the background. 

Far Better Explanation: Anything to do with Michael Jackson because that fucker has clearly ruined the life of every single celebrity I once loved and cherished.

Emilio Estevez:

We all remember Emilio Estevez from his days as the Mighty Duck Coach. But do you remember in the third installment when the story replaced him for the most part with a tight-ass college coach who looked distressingly identical to him? Yes my friends, it was a sign of the times to come. Our most recent recollection of Mr. Estevez was his not-quite-cameo in A Night At the Roxbury with Will Ferrell screaming Emiliooooo!!!!! Emilioooo!!!! Before that, and before Mighty Duck fame, he was an apparent member of what was known as the Brat Pack. I’m a tad young for this to have any bearing on my consciousness whatsoever, and only know this as a fact because I was too lazy to turn off a biography on Demi Moore a few weeks back. I also recall it having something to do with Molly Ringwald whose cause for celeb I still can’t figure out.

Since hanging up the skates that were never his in the first place, Emilio has actually continued to act, just not in anything worth mentioning. His name does not conjure up the same initial absence of recognition that Alfonso Ribeira does, but rather a feeling of “Awww, yeah, I remember him!” We remember his talent fondly.

Cause of Obscurity: Suckage. While his most recent stint “Bobby”  actually did fairly well, Emilio made a crucial mistake by abandoning the Mighty Duck bandwagon all those years ago. Apparently he only agreed to appear in the third installment at all in exchange for Disney’s financial backing in his actor-director fiasco “The War At Home.” Critics liked it, but nobody else did. And thus began his tailspin. His failed engagement and marriage to Demi Moore and Paula Abdul respectively didn’t do much for him either.

Far Better Explanation: It’s a little-known fact that his engagement to Demi Moore failed after she discovered Emilio canoodling with fellow Brat-Packer Molly Ringwald. Unfortunately, Molly also had a severe case of ringworm, as indicated by her unfortunate family name. The medication involved in the treatment affected his ability to make clear decisions later on in life. Emilio is currently a stockholder in Neverland Ranch, a further testament to the devastating effects of this illness. Please contact the author of this blog for info on where to send your charitable donations. A food drive will also be set up, as Mr. Estevez claims to be shockingly low on Doritos and Mr. Pibb

Screech:

This guy goes by a whole plethora of awesome names. Firstly, the character he played was actually Samuel Powers and would have been a super mega hunk with a super rad name like that if the writers hadn’t already decided to turn him into Screech. The actor himself is named Dustin Deschaine or Dustin Diamond, depending on which Wiki article you look at. And considering that he was with Saved By the Bell right from its early inception in ’88 to the final curtain on several modernized versions in 2000, he’s had a fairly good haul. Since then he’s apparently been trying to get his standup comedy routine up and off the ground, and was also a member of Celebrity Fit Club Season Five. His shitty attitude during the latter and tardy arrivals in regards to the former have kept him well out of the public eye. Apparently he was also a bass guitarist for the now-defunct band “Salty Pocketknife” but of course just because you and your friends got drunk in a basement within proximity to some instruments and gave yourself a clever name, it doesn’t constitute a “band”. Especially since Salty Pocketknife isn’t really that clever.

Most recently, Screech has been seen in his own sex tape scandal, leading one to wonder how anyone would get in bed with someone most notably associated with the name Screech. Assuredly, a bad vocal pun was made somewhere in the film. He has also been on radio shows explaining how broke he is, and hawking $15 Tshirts that say “I Gave Screeech Fifteen Dollars to Help Save His House,” explaining that there is an extra e in Screeech because he does not own the legal rights to his namesake.

Cause of Obscurity: Poor financial planning, the plague of most child actors. Anybody remember how Will Smith was nearly bankrupt after Fresh Prince went off the air? And how he resorted to cheesy feel-good rapping? Well, apparently the original Mr. Smith had a few things that Screech here didn’t, including talent and work ethic.

Far Better Explanation: Never got together with Michael Jackson.

So there you have it folks. I hope you enjoyed this trip down memory lane. Wasn’t it far more adventurous than seeing Lindsay in her umpteenth teary-eyed snot-nosed photo, or speculation over Mariah’s actual weight? And it was far more informative too. Knowing Brangelina’s exotic humanitarian vacation getaway details is not going to save your own children. Realizing that Michael Jackson secretly controls the world is vital to their survival. Remember these important things people. And now, just because I’m so generous:

 CREEPY BONUS ROUND!!!!

The Zodiac Killer:

Instead of continuing on with the shoddy actor theme, I decided to go a little more morbid. This fun little fellow killed a few people in Northern California back in the 60’s, and is most notably known for stumping police with his cryptic messages, some of which have never been deciphered. Five confirmed killings are on the record, as well as two survivors and his own claim to as many as 37 victims.

He was never apprehended, and the killings stopped inexplicably. To this day, nobody knows exactly who he was or what his motives were, though he still retains his boogeyman status with frequent pop culture references including a movie with Jake Gyllenhaal. Interestingly enough, the Zodiac Killer himself once told the media “i am waiting for a movie about me i wonder who will play me the world is in my hands now.” Fantastic grammar and everything.

Cause of Obscurity: Stopped killing. This freaks people out because serial killers usually continue until they are caught, as it is a terrible compulsion not easily ignored by even the smartest of fiends. Some speculate that he went into hiding or simply moved to a different state and continued his plan unrecognized.

Far Better Explanation: Hit by car on the way to pick up a box of cat food.

 

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Josh says:

The disturbing thing is I’ve actually seen Screech’s porn, but somehow haven’t seen either Brittney’s or Lindsay’s. That makes me sad. Whatever happened to the pink ranger? She was hot!



Kimberly! You know she actually looked nothing like that under all the makeup. I remember reading an interview with her in Disney Magazines (I was 9, okay?) and she was complaining that all the other Power Rangers got recognized all the time and she never did. The Green Ranger, however, was sex-hay.



talea says:

Hands fucking down, the best post ever. I think I might fire you tomorrow at work, so you’ll be forced to write more often in a futile attempt to make a living. Futile, cuz everyone knows you can’t make money off of blogs. Unless you’re the yarnharlot or dooce. Which you are not.
But you ARE hi-larious and I’m glad a few of my lines made it in.
Loved it. Witty as all get out. Yeah, I said all get-out.

the last line killed me. You totally know he’s sitting in a morgue somewhere, unclaimed. Nobody loves the killer. His fucking cat was his last victim, the thing probably starved to death.



That’s it. I’m totally going to have to work up the nerve to ask for a raise and suggest that I’d like to do CSR. Because then that’s exactly what I’d be totally getting paid to do.



OMG BLOSSOM! is she on dvd> and molly!! i love 16 candles! (im not old i just love old movies)

and the power rangers! they were nearly as cool as captain planet.

we still have fresh prince on tv how sad is that?



The Fresh Prince was rapping before the TV show came along. 🙂 Yeah, I was a big fan way way way back back in the day. :mrgreen:



Anyone remember Six? What the hell, seriously, where the hell did they come up with that. I could never understand how speed-talking was their shtick, but I was in love with Joey Lawrence. I actually had to back up there and change ‘am’ to ‘was’, it’s that fresh in my memory. And yes, Fresh Prince was rapping back in the day, I think that’s how he got the show in the first place.

You know what? I’m lovin’ this post so much, I may make it a regular thing. An occasional update on what random ex-B-celebrities are up to these days. Feel free to make your suggestions. Joey Lawrence and Six are totally up next, as well as all the Power Rangers.



It’s hard to picture Screech as the Master of the Dirty Sanchez.



Oh dear God almighty, I didn’t actually WATCH it you know. *brrrrr*



duffboy says:

Some dudes tried to give me a clever knickname when I was in high-school: Screech. I would’ve taken Carlton or Salty Pocketknife anyday.



May says:

Screech’s porn is hilarious. Hi-larious even. Also, Chris was so down with the Fresh Prince a million years ago!



I think you should make this a reg thing…but is it bad that I remember the brat pac…and I was a huge fan. shhh don’t tell OK.



romi41 says:

OMG…the amount of memories and “haha I can’t believe how much I seriously loved this back in the day” nostalgia I just experienced is incredible….I totally heard about “Dustin Diamond’s” porno tape, but I have to believe that it would’ve been burned for the good of humanity….and OMG frickin’ Carlton!!! Hahaha….was he REALLLY in a McD’s ad? Ohhh how the mighty fall (oh wait…he was never that mighty now was he???)….

…and did you watch Saved by the Bell like in the old, old days? Like in the Miss Bliss days??? I wonder what happened to that curly-black-haired kid that was the A.C. Slater before there was an A.C. Slater…hmm….

..anyhoo I’m just swimming in giddyness, great post 🙂 , and sidenote: why do I know that Hillary’s name was Karyn Parsons? (and why do I remember that there was a “y” in Karyn??? Lame….)



@ cowgal: I’m probably a bit younger than you, and even a year or two can make a huge difference. I only missed the Brit train by about six months I think

@ romi: I knew her name too, cause Google told me. And then I promptly forgot it, which means it was never meant to be given the sort of honour my posts bestow on the worthy. And I did watch Saved by the Bell, but not so much that I remember more than two or three episodes. Oh! New kids! Where are they now? Aside from Mark Wahlberg, I mean.



May says:

Where are they? They’re on tour baby!



Whoa… Sure the Zodiac Killer is creepy, but that picture of Macaulay Culkin is far creepier.

And I had a huge crush on the ducks coach dude back when I was young an pretty sure I could ice skate. (In NZ there is no ice to skate on. I’m now 99% positiv I would suck, fall over, then cry if I ever got the chance to try it.)



@ May: WHAT?!?!? NO WAY!!!!! HOOK ME UP, YO!!!!

@ Leaf: Oh come on, who could not be in love with that eternally pre-pubescent face? I had the crush too. Especially in the 3rd movie: “Be that man Charlie, be that man.” BAWWWWWLING much? And yeah, we have plenty of ice up here in Canadia land, but I still can’t skate very well. I can maybe coast. Never got the brake thing down though.



joebecca says:

HI BABYDOLL!!!

I have to laugh at the Macaulay pic, thats from his movie “party monster” which actually was a really good movie, and based on a true story too. if you wanna find that asshole Screech, he’s probably doing another season of beratement and “poor me”-ing on Celebrity Fit Club. I used to love that show, and actually stopped watching because he is such a complete fucktard. seriously.



@ Tiny Whore: Yeah! I heard about his shitfitting while googling, apparently that’s one of the reasons nobody knows who the fuck he is, he fucking pissed EVERYBODY off, so he blew any chances for a relapse at fame. And ha, go fig, that’s the movie with the Manson cigarettes.



Billy says:

This was classic. Thanks for finding me! I spent an hour this morning lost in the Green Metropolis. Love every minute!



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