Christmastime in the Emerald City

{April 18, 2008}   I’m Not Sorry At All :D

Okay, so maybe I’m just the teensiest bit sorry, but I really do have a good reason for being so absent as of late.

I kind of fell in love. Like, retardedly in love. As in, sweet old ladies probably vomit in my presence kind of love. Cause I’m so cute and all. I know! What the shiznat, right? Me?!?! How did that happen? Just about two months ago, I was all “Valentines Day is for suckers!!!” and such. I’m what you might call an angry kind of girl. A little bit crazy, definitely twisted, and not an awful lot about me makes much sense. I think everyone and his mother is a douchebag, and I’m a big fan of throwing the word cunt around needlessly. Plus, I’ll smack you in the mouth for the last nacho. Not the kind of girl you want to introduce to your parents, you know?

Well apparently the air between 800 miles has some an interesting qualities of refraction. It turns out that was the precise distance needed for this fellow to see through all of my bullshit and get me for who I am, as opposed to the plethora of things I like to think I am (like someone who’ll actually smack somebody over a nacho as opposed to just call you a cunt behind your back, ha!) When someone is able to think your thoughts for you at least five times a day and can completely appreciate your desire to run down the street in a pink dress while carting along the gas tank of a flame thrower in a little red wagon, well…800 miles doesn’t seem that far anymore.

Anyways, if you don’t know who I’m talking about yet, you really need to get around the internet more, cause it’s kind of obvious. It’s really a wonderful place, the internet. You can spout off whatever lies you feel like portraying as truth, edit the shit out of your photos until you’re perfect just the way photoshop made you (thank you Lovely Friend Cait, for that memorable line), and find someone who fits you as perfectly as an Escher print through a random series of little 0s and 1s. I love the internet! All these bitchface pedophiles are giving it a bad rap.

This here is Josh, in all his manly glory:

Here’s a few excerpts from the inside of his head, in all their excellence.

So here’s the tale of it all. I’m sure you’re all avidly drinking in the details and have already read his account of how we met, but here’s more. You know those sickly sweet couples that are always holding hands and telling you adorable stories about how they met and you really just want to stick ’em with a chopstick? Well I’ve never gotten to be on the other end of that chopstick, so just patronize me a little bit here, okay? I’m obnoxious about everything else, I might as well be obnoxious with spreading the love.

I owe a lot to May and Talea I suppose. Talea because it was through her post that Josh found me, with my gloriously biting tale of woe from the Toronto Independent Music Awards, which I still say sucked big ass donkey balls. Also because she is completely supportive of my internet love (as are all my friends, but Talea’s sort of a pioneer to me). And May because it was she who sent me along to cover that fateful disaster of a show in the first place! And who is now my shining beacon of domesticity now that I find myself rapidly turning wifish. And because they both called me up within minutes of Josh proclaiming his love for me in the public forum that is his blog to read me excerpts and fawn over my deliciously sweet boyfriend. Think about it: your best friend announces that despite all her left-wing, city loving vegetarian ways, she has falled madly in love with a rebel flag waving meat worshipping southern boy she hasn’t even met. The first thing any girl would do is try to talk her out of it. But no, they got past the initial oddities of it all and now give their full fledged support. And as any lady with a strong group of ladies knows, this is of the utmost importance. And Josh, in his infinite manly wisdom, knows the importance of and appreiciates their support too. Also a shout out to Romi for listening to us both gush about each other to her before we finally started gushing about each other to each other.

So all that having been said and explained, where have I been? Well shit, I sure as hell haven’t been in North Carolina, that’s for damn sure. I’m kind of broke right now, and a lot of shit is up in the air with work and life and the fact that I don’t even have a passport. So instead of facebooking and blogging, or even paying enough attention to the world around me to find something worth blogging about, I’ve been spending nearly every waking minute of my time online with him, sinking my nails into every precious second. He most often comes home from work at lunch to chat with me, and races home afterwards again, and I’d stay late at the office just to have a few more words. Eventually I sucked up the idea of paying for the internet and got it at home just because I missed him so much on the weekends. I even got myself a webcam, wooooaaah! I know, you’d think someone who now spends nearly all her free time sitting in the glow of that little blue light would be all over the blogging, the doritos and the mountain dew, but no. We’ve been folding laundry in two seperate worlds and watching shared youtube clips for kicks. And as for my wifishness, or wifeliness, or whatever it’s called, well I’m hardly recognizable sometimes.

However, now that I do have the internet at home, I should probably stop ignoring the rest of my life (Seriously, the dishes? Let’s not even go there, my OCD will start screaming) and maybe pay a little more attention to the medium that brought us together in the first place, right? So here I am, back in blog world, and while I can’t promise I’ll be able to spit out a daily dose of observatory sass-back like I once could, I’ll try not to disappear for weeks at a time. And I’ll try to avoid asking the world their opinions on baby names and such (you probably won’t like them anyways, shut up Talea). I’ll still be all “Oprah-bitch this! And fucktardery that!” and all the rest of that deliciousness you’ve gotten nice and used to, but to make a long and super-awesome story short, that’s where I’ve been. On my ass in love.

Anyways, I know I just said I wouldn’t be all “ooh, what do you think of these curtains?” and all that stuff that makes even a newfound cute-bot such as myself gag, but another thing I’m sure you’ve gotten used to besides my rampant awesomeness is my tendency to post pictures. (Also my tendency to exclude myself from my own rules.) And it just so happens that my pictures as of late revolve around my latest and greatest ability: concocting super awesome birthday ideas for loved ones! May has lovingly taken me under her super-wife wing and is coddling my emerging urge to get my bake on! And since Josh is the latest and greatest addition to the list of loved ones, and since it was indeed his birthday recently, it only makes sense that an appropriate level of well documented fun was had on his behalf. Just because he’s 800 miles away doesn’t mean he can’t have….


That’s right biznatches, pictures ahoy!

So I realize that the frilly whipped cream is not that manly, but I did make sure to get blue candles. It took me a hell of a long time to wade through the mountains of pink candles first, apparently a lot of males were born in April?

Okay, I know I’m not exactly starting off on the right foot with the whole “manly” birthday party business, but I’m the one getting drunk, okay? Also, I don’t have wine glasses. They got broken by a former roomie, who happened to be psychotic. And clumsy.

Look, I couldn’t get it off, okay?!?

Next up on the wifely to-get list: apron. Don’t worry, I’ll stitch skulls and crossbones all over it or something to make it extra rad.

Veggies rolls! Thanks for the sushi Talea! This is like the McSushi that you can get just about everywhere up here (not actually at McDonalds though, that would be gross). You can even get sushi at the drug store.

Home made whipped cream motherfuckers!!!!! YEEEAAHHHHH!!!! You have no idea how good this was, and it ended up pretty much everywhere. There was no way in hell I was going to use some junk like coolwhip to make this masterpiece:

WOOAAAAHHHH!!! LOOK AT THAT!!!! How awesome am I? Very. Very, very awesome. Dudes, this took hours, mostly because I’m lacking in counter space, but also because absolutely everything was made from scratch. Even the berries, I combined the carbon based molecules myself. No I didn’t.

Talea posing very sexily with a very sexy morsel of deliciousness.

Consuming said sexy morsel of deliciousness and realizing how delicious said sexy morsel of delciousness really is. Yes. Try saying that through a mouthful of deliciousness.

And I didn’t just make one thing. This is a man’s birthday party, and men eat a lot. They require a smorgasboard of fun and yummy things. Hence:

Almond lemon squares!!! OOHHHH MY GOD. Oh. Oh, oh, oh. Smorgasmically good. Like ridiculously, retardedly good. Moving on before I make a mess.

Got kind of messy anyways. And as much as this depiction of chowing down may imply otherwise, I did not in fact consume the entire pie right there, even though it was key lime. I did consume it, don’t worry. It just took me nearly a week is all.

Mid smorgasm.

You might think I snuck up on Talea and smooshed her face with a forkful of pie. However, while this would have been hilarious, it would also have resulted in my face getting smooshed with a forkful of fork. And no pie. Which would be sad.

I spilled mah wine. I has a waste 😦

Um, yeah, I kind of spilled it down my shirt as opposed to on my shirt. Because I’m classy like that.

Clearly, Talea is also very classy.

That business about being hungry again an hour after eating sushi must be true since at about midnight I decided that I needed to cook some pasta tubes, stuff them with ricotta and spinach, shred some cheese and stand in front of a hot oven for half an hour. You know, just a quick bite.

We are running out of alcomahols! This is a bad thing!

Maybe just a bit left at the bottom? Jes? Jes? No.

No!!!! Not me too!!!

It is gone. I am sad. Sad and confused. For a birthday party, I am not nearly drunk enough.

This is the next day at May’s house. It was a two day birthday bash! And she made more pie! Awesome, awesome pie!

Look at that love! Personalized pie! It took both May and I to get that little J in there. Please notice the attention to detail in the form of a heart and a tree. That’s because earlier that day Josh had chopped down a tree, and I hearted him for it.

So there you have it, a fun filled weekend of long distance birthday goodness. And may I please take this time to reiterate that just because I’m now an official love-bot, it doesn’t mean I’m any less hardcore. In fact, I’m even MORE hardcore, cause now I’ve got someone who is just as hardcore as me to add his own special brand of awesomeness to our newfound sweet blend of hardcore kickassery! I can kick your ass in life AND the kitchen!Β Up yoursΒ world, you’re in trouble! Now it’s not just me you’ve got to deal with, I’ve got a partner in crime who’s just as bad ass as I am. Hide your women, children, beer, flamethrowers and nachos!

Oh, and I know I said “I think everybody and his mother is a douchebag” but Josh isn’t a douchebag. And his mom’s pretty sweet. It’s just a figure of speech, people.


talea says:

Finally you have returned to blog world! I mean, not that I don’t see you six days a week anyways, but whatever.
You are totally a fool in love. Sometimes it’s so not you, it kills me. But I do grant you Talea-insult immunity, cuz I remember being fascinated with every word out of the boyfriends mouth too. Now I just really hate how he leaves garbage on the kitchen counter, but I still like him.
And I like Josh. And thank you for thanking me for my support. You’re right, you do owe me a lot, I internet-introduced you two. I’m pretty great.
Speaking of how great I am, I LOVE that you posted those pics. I wanted to post them to show my awesome new hair, but I couldn’t make wordpress do it.
So in conclusion, fuck you wordpress, yay me and Yay Emerald and Josh.

Congratulations on the crazy love drunk thing. Nice having you back. No one else calls me douchebag quite like you. πŸ˜› You were missed.

Hey, does Josh have a blog? I enjoy reading his comments here and there. If he doesn’t have a blog, he really needs to get one. That dude is hilarious. If he does have a blog, can you hook a brother up with a link. πŸ˜‰ Thanks.

Huh, I never noticed that you were angry. Maybe it is my use of language that I never noticed an unwarrented ‘cunt’ slip out in your posts. It’s good to see that you have fallen head over heels for the dude. Every once in a while it is good for what ails ya.

Thanks guys! (Wuv you Talea!) and yeah, Josh’s blog is

I am not going to say “aww” or anything cutesy because I do not doubt that you will punch me in the mouth. Instead I will say.

Cool party!! the food looked so goood!! Its good to have both you and josh back in the blogging world I missed both your guys awesomeness!

Josh never mentioned his birthday either… Hmmm….

Glad ya back!! Talea’s hair looks choice too

Choice! Ha, I love foreign sayings. It does indeed look choice, she was quite thrilled with it. We went for burritos and admired each others new hair. And I don’t think guys make as big a deal out of their birthdays as us girls do, but given that everyone else in my circle of friends gets a fun ole’ bash, I couldn’t leave him out πŸ˜€

May says:

I’m going to say ‘awwwww’, because I am immune to being punched in the face by you! πŸ˜‰

Honestly, you sound like me and I love it. Hardcore ass kicking girls in aprons that can whip up just about anything at a moment’s notice. I wont say a word about babies until you do. πŸ˜›

Also, please, please let me give you the official apron, I’ll make sure it’s hardcore.

romi41 says:

I love reading declarations of love!!!!

I’ve missed you in Internet world for sure, but I’m a big supporter of all things heart-tastic, so I totally understand πŸ™‚

And dude, I felt TOTALLY priviledged to get to hear you two gush about each other to me before you actually gushed about each other…to each other..haha…I knew I was in the presence of awesomeness, and so I knew it was only a matter of time πŸ˜‰

PS: I don’t doubt for a second that you are even more hard-core now, you and Josh are like the hard-core-est pair of mofos in the world!!!!

And to take a page out of your book….”I heart you!!!!” πŸ™‚

May! I love you so much! Oh my god, you giving me “the official apron” is going to be like the crowing glory of my entry into domesticity. We have to make a to-do about it so I can show off my baking skillz! See? Skillz, that means I’m still hardcore πŸ˜€

And Romi, you know Josh and I both heart you so much for your unending squishiness and squeeeing along with us. You shall be rewarded handsomely with blog references and baked goods πŸ˜‰

Red says:

You have been missed, Auntie Em.
You, my deary, will make a great wife. Just have Josh buy more wine.

Thanks Red πŸ˜€ Don’t worry about the wine, I am ALLLLL over that πŸ˜€ Josh can trek to the beer store. Poor guy’s gonna have to get used to beer being at the Beer Store and not the corner store.

Duffboy says:

I should hear the word “kickassery” more often. I’ll think of your loving lovely love situation whenever I think of “kickassery”. Congrats!

Squee! Thank you!

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