Christmastime in the Emerald City

{March 13, 2008}   I promise I am working on an actual post

I stole this from cowgal because I saw it while doing my rounds of reading and it looks like fun.

1. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, as what or whom would you go?

I don’t really have much in the way of costumes just laying about, so I’d probably have to improvise with my makeup. This would probably lead to something horrific, like “sex games gone terribly wrong”, which was my Halloween costume a few years ago, or another botched abortion, which was the costume last year. Probably something involving sex, zombies, death, or whatever is causing unrest in the media that day. Cause, you know, that’s how I roll, yo.

2. What are your choice of toppings on a hamburger? And do you prefer gas or charcoal grilling?

Oookay, well, vegetarian, but I do have veggie burgers. Usually grilled onions and mushrooms with honey mustard and mozarella. Sometimes avocados if I’m feeling adventurous. Pesto and goat’s cheese are really good too. As for gas or charcoal, ha! I live in an apartment, you think I have a barbeque? Frying pan, baby. If I did have a BBQ, though, I would probably have Talea over very often, so I’d have to use whatever was most environmentally friendly or she’d yell at me. If the boyfriend was over, he’d get full reign of the grill, yelling Talea or no.

3. You are chosen to have lunch with the President. The condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask?

What fucking drugs are you on and where can I get some?

4. It’s your first day of vacation, what are you doing?

Studying maps furiously so as not to look like a tourist when I step outside.

5. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies?

Nachoes with shitbuckets of that fake cheese crap, and salsa and jalapenos if they’ve got them. And a ginormous bucket of iced tea with no ice. Yes, I get the joke.

6. Which do you dislike most, pop-up ads or spam email?

Pop-ups. I can ignore spam email, pop-ups get in the goddamned way. Rollover ads are even worse. 

7. What do you think Captain Hook’s name was before he had a hook for a hand?

Dr. Barnswell A. Lovingtouch, registered massage therapist.

8. Rock, paper, or scissors?

A shot in the face beats all three, sucker! Ha!

9. How long was it from ‘the first date’ until the proposal of marriage?

Um…I’m not married yet.

10. Which is worse, being in a place that is too loud, or too quiet?

Too much quiet is not always a terrible thing. For short periods of time. If it was total silence for too long, I’d start thinking I’d gone deaf and start gibbering like a lunatic. Too much noise can be good if I’m in that kind of mood. If I’m not in that kind of mood, I start hitting things and screaming. So…it depends on which version of crazy you feel like dealing with.

11. What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person?

Hey, if you can deal with my neuroses, psychoses, loud mouth ways and tendency to recite comedic monologues or bust out into interpretive dance moves at any given time…well, I can appreciate that.

12. At the good old general store, what particular kind of candy would you expect to be in the big jar at the counter?

Um…I live in a city? The only ‘good old general store’ I know of is in Pioneer Village, where you can get bits of chewable wood that tastes like black licorice. Cause, you know, that’s probably where it comes from. I keep getting that shit every time I go there even though I don’t really like it.  

13. What is the most distinguishing landmark in your city?

CN Tower, yo! Formerly the tallest freestanding building in the world. Recently outdone by some tower in Malaysia. Fucking Malaysians. Maybe you wouldn’t be such a crap country if you didn’t spend all your money trying to compete with our bad asses. We would totally make out tower taller if we weren’t spending all our money on more important things, like, you know, being a first world country, bitches! In your face!

14. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other?

Pretty much anybody on the subway talking about their day, and how, you know, John in accounting is just *so* unreasonable, and oh my gawwwwd, where did you get that purse? And then, so, like, anyways, OH MY GOD SHUT UP!!!

15. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test?

None, suckers! Nobody drives in downtown Toronto, there’s too much traffic.

16. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose?

Sex. Wait, what?

17. What food item would need to be removed from the market altogether in order for you to live a healthier, longer life?

Canned soup, believe it or not.

18. You are offered an envelope that you know contains $50. You are then told that you may either keep it or exchange it for another envelope that may contain $500 or may be empty. Do you keep the first envelope, or do you take your chances with the second?

I fall on the floor in a panic attack. When I get over it, I take both envelopes and pants you.  

19. If you had to choose, which would you give up: cable TV, or DSL/cable internet?

You mean give up my five fuzzy non-foreign channels?!?!? Never! Ha, and I don’t have internet at home, but that will soon be remedied. I’m willing to pay for internet, not tv.

20. What is your highest level of education?

You’d think being so fucking smart that I’m some kind of well educated genius. Not so. I’ve done all kinds of crazy Mensa tests, but I couldn’t get through one year of university without going fucking nuts. This is what happens when I’m surrounded by jackasses and shitty architecture. So yeah, high school, extra credits, and one useless year of University.

21. How much is a gallon of gas in your city?

I don’t know, we buy them by the litres here. It’s over a dollar a litre now. For all you Americans, that is approximately “retarded”.

22. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid?

I didn’t have a lunch box, I went to daycare until I was way too old because I lived too far from my house to go home for lunch. Then we moved, and I lived close enough to go home for lunch. Not that anyone ever had any actual lunch boxes. Oh wait! By the time I was in highschool, I went out of my way to use a lunchbox. I rotated between my Spinal Tap lunch box and my Ozzy Osbourne Bark at the Moon lunchbox. I’m hard to the core, yo.

23. What would you rather have, a nanny, a housekeeper, a cook, or a chauffeur?

I don’t need a nanny since I don’t have kids, and I don’t need a chauffeur since I think cars are retarded. You’d think I’d like a housekeeper with all the rabbit shit I’ve got to sweep up, but I have this funny thing about people I don’t know being in my space. She’d probably steal all my weed too.

24. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic?

Traffic, because 1) I’m almost never in a car and it’s therefore less likely to happen 2) I can stay sitting 3) less likely to be surrounded by jackasses in ties 4) radio equals not going mental and 5) windows equal air.

However, I’m assuming I’m stuck in the car due to traffic. If I were stuck due to, say, rolling flames pouring out of the engine, I might choose the elevator. Unless that was on fire too, something tells me I’ve got a better chance in a flaming car than a flaming elevator.

25. Lets say a brick fell on your foot, and your kid is standing right next to you, what is your ‘cleaned up’ swear word?

I don’t have a cleaned up swear word. If I can’t say shitass motherfucker in front of you, then get away from me. My kids will learn to swear good and proper and learn when they’ll get a smack for saying it in front of the wrong people. And they’ll learn grammar too. The correct past tense term of shit is shat, not shitted. My brother got a smack for that one.


romi41 says:

Fuck your real post, do you know how many times your frickin’ answers made me laugh out loud?


“8. Rock, paper, or scissors?

A shot in the face beats all three, sucker! Ha!”

“We would totally make out tower taller if we weren’t spending all our money on more important things, like, you know, being a first world country, bitches! In your face!”

“I don’t have a cleaned up swear word. If I can’t say shitass motherfucker in front of you, then get away from me. My kids will learn to swear good and proper and learn when they’ll get a smack for saying it in front of the wrong people. And they’ll learn grammar too. The correct past tense term of shit is shat, not shitted. My brother got a smack for that one.”

….hahaha, you are such a delightful firecracker…well more like a giant-ass-industrial-strength-dynamite, but you get my point 😉

talea says:

My personal fave is the ‘I’d fall on the floor and have a panic attack, then take both and pants you’ or whatever you said.
Cuz I’d totally do that too.
Minus the pantsing.
And the stealing.
But the falling on the floor and panicking over a tough choice….right up my alley.

I believe four liters is just a wee over a gallon, and I’m not sure why us US folk never went with the metric system. Life would be so much easier.

You totally rocked this meme. I enjoyed every last one of your answers. As Romi and Talea pointed out, you’re an explosive kleptomaniac with a pants fetish, or something cool like that. 😉

Ha, I’m so glad everyone thinks I’m awesome. Nothing feels better than quasi-anonymous validation. Sweeeeet!


And fuck yeah, what is WITH your lack of metric system guys? You have to remember how many pints are in a quart, which is some random number, a ‘barrel’ is an actual measurement, and your freezing and boiling points are some unknown number. Up here zero equals freezing, 100 equals boiling. We use litres for liquid, metres for distance. 1000 millilitres equals a litre. 1000 millimetres equals a metre. What?!? Universally understood prefixes create a universally acceptable system of measurement?!? CRAAAAAZY.

Josh says:

Here’s the one reason I love meme’s, so I can have more excuses to spend time talking to you. Let’s go.
1- I think you should be Dolly Parton, but tht’s just me. Or maybe Mary Anne, from Gilligans Island, she smokes the reef you know.
2- Wow, all those things sound really good (and I figure we could have half the grill for veggie burgers, and half for real burgers, so you don’t accidentally mix in meat drippings with your veggies, cause I care and I’m sweet) but I’m a NC guy, so I like my burgers with bacon, cheese, tomato, lettuce, slaw, chili, and hot sauce. But your’s sound incredible too.
4- It’s cool, I’ve got it. We’ll just wing it in this new city, no problem. How complicated could it possibly be? We meander around a few blocks checking out cool shit, then start making clockwise circles around the city from our point of destination.
5- Uh yeah, beer.
7- Captain Fist
8- A shot in the face huh? like the dirty kind, or the violent kind?
9- Hold your horses meme creators, damn!
10- you ever been somewher COMPLETELY silent, like caverns or the like? Cause that shit is creepy awesome. Especially in the dark. Complete dark and complete silence together is cool.
11- mudik?
12- Gum balls woman, gumballs. Damn! You guess the number and win a prize, or give them a nickel and get a gumball. You have candy stores with no gumballs? For real?
13- We have a kind of big acorn. It’s like ten feet.
14- Accounting. Hands down, number crunching accounting facts.
15- One, cause I’m a man, and I know how to drive well.
16- Three orders, coming right up, consecutively.
17- just take the whole grill out, it all fucks me up.
18- go for broke.
19- You can steal either if you know what you’re doing. (but then you may go to jail, which sucks)
20- Real god damned life
21- So, it’s about a buck more per gallon. Give or take fifty cents. (litres confuse me)
22- plastic food lion bags
23- the sho-fur. Spell it right god frick it
24- elevator. I know how to open those fuckers. Plus every time a blue collar guy gets stuck in an elevator in the movies, he ends up saving the fucking world and getting made strange (or familiar, whatever)
25- I’d probably say “Fuck you you little mother fucking panty watse bitch, you’d better run if you value your god damned life fucker”, cause if my kid was standing next to me, odds are it was his/her fault. And fuck that.

queenbitch says:


if your confused go check out josh’s blog.

cool meme i stole it off you earlier lol

Emerald says:

@ queenie: thanks! i thought that was so awesome when you were all “is it emerald? is it emerald?” nice intuition 😛

@ le boyfriend:

1) There WAS a dolly parton at the Halloween party I went to with the botched abortion dealio. I dunno, I’m running out of offensive ideas though. Still, our first Halloween, we’re totally doing that Zombie Prom business. Ooh, and we can go to Rocky Horror and throw toast at the screen!

2)I’m really not that mental about my veggie-ness, so you don’t have to worry about splitting up the grill. I don’t have a balcony though, so I suspect that we’ll be making super good friends with Talea and her boyfriend for the BBQ sessions 😉 (He’s ALLLLLL about the BBQ)

4) Fine, but no fannypacks, dammit! I hate looking like a tourist. Who wore a miniskirt and click-clacking heels all over New York? This girl right here.

5) You can’t get beer at the movies, jeez. Wait, can you get beer at the movies down south? Holy crap, I’m coming down there RIGHT NOW!!!

7) Dude, that’s totally a cheap porn waiting to happen.

8) I don’t know if I’m capable of the dirty kind, I’ll let you handle that. Strangely enough, I’ve never actually had to hit anyone, at least not in the face. ‘The Look’ always seems to do the trick. Actually, that would really suck if I ever had to hit someone and I went all girly and broke my hand or something. Damn. Oh well, free healthcare, natch!

10) Nope. There’s always been the noise of the city or the noise of the country. I think totaly darkness and silence would drive me nuts after about five minutes.

11) Huh? Who shot who in the whatnow?

12) Dude, of COURSE we have gumballs at our candy stores. Just not in those old fashioned general stores. Did they have gumballs at the turn of the century? Wasn’t gum invented by a dentist? Did they have dentists at the turn of the century? The big book of british smiles says…no.

13) Why hasn’t anyone thought of putting a second acorn right next to the one you’ve already got? Then you can make jokes about your big nuts. Hahahaha!

14) Duff from Guns n’ Roses got himself an accounting degree before he joined up with Velvet Revolver. That was a sad, sad day.

16) Sweet, I’ll get the camera. Wait, what?

19) Does sticking the cable out the window and getting free fuzzy channels count at stealing? I would totally steal internet, however, my neighbourhood is filled with urban trendy technobots who are smart enough to password their shit. There are tons of networks around, but none are open. Damn 😦

20) Ha! School of hard knocks, bitchfaces! Mahahaha!

21) Once you see a litre, it’ll alllll make sense, I promise.

22) Food Lion, teehee! Do the commercials feature an anthropomorphized lion telling kids to eat a healthy lunch? That’s totally what I’m picturing. A lion with an armful of lunchables, like he wouldn’t eat your kids in real life or something.

25) Shit, with your badass genes, and my twin genes, we’ll have to decide who throttles whom, Homer/Bart style. I’ll take the one that decides to scribble on the walls, you can take the one that tries to feed the cat firecrackers. Whoever uses the word motherfucker most, wins.

queenbitch says:

Yeah I’m the best lol

you two are so cute!

duffboy says:

New feelings brewing inside Duffboy: What would Emerald do? This meme has proved to be mighty helpful to write a bunch of kick ass short stories. Thank you, muse.

Josh says:

1- You really were Dolly Parton? Bitchin. You could pull it off cause you got big knockers. Another possibility: Elvira. Just throwing it out there. Also, I wouldn’t mind seeing Eve, as in the Garden of Eden. One leaf and a wig with long hair! Booyah!
2- We could get one of those indoor grills, with no flame. Those actually work pretty good, especially if your house is ass cold. Which it is. Icy freaks.
4- You’re gonna hate me. I’m a total tourist.
5- I think the cinemas over by State sell booze. And of course we could always just bring our own whiskey and buy cokes. Or whatever you like. Not everyone likes whiskey.
8- Punching people in the face is awesome. Getting punched in the face is not so awesome. Fighting is pretty yin-yang like that.
11- Muhdik = muh dik = my dick. I appreciate it in others.
13- This is why I love you. cause you’re fucking genius.
14- Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo, you LIE!
16- OK, I’ll go grab the candles and fuzzy cuffs.
21- Bull shit. They actually have litres here. I’m fairly sure they occasionally have litres of cola, like on Super Troopers, available in gas stations. But I have to learn a lot of new shit.
22- No but it does have a shitty looking old school lion crest sort of thingy on the sign.
25- Hey the cat’s on it’s own. The firecracker thing is funny. Plus the odds are good the kid will just blow their own hand off and learn the lesson without my help. I’ll throttle the ones who leaves toys laying lal over the living room floor for me to slip on early in the morning when I’m getting my tired middle aged ass out of bed to pay for their braces and shit. (motherfucker)

dang late to the show again…great answers though.

@ cowgal: thanks, you should steal this meme! everyone seems to enjoy it

@ le boyfriend:

1) No, I wasn’t Dolly, I was the botched abortion. Another friend was Dolly, you should have seen her rocking wig.

2) Ooh, a George Forman! Well…I’ll let you take a look at my place first, I’m not exactly drowing in counter space. Need to get a little butcher’s block table.

4) Bah! Fine, just no fanny packs, okay?

5) Dude, rum in the coke, awesome. Especially that coconut Malibu stuff. Nothing says fun times like being sneaky! 😀

8.) Right, that’s why you do it during rock paper scissors when nobody sees it coming.

11) Yeah, I get it now, I said it out loud 😛

13) I know, right? Shit man, I’d totally rev up your tourism revenue! (P.S. I love you too! *muah!*)

14) I know, could you just die!?!?! And he had short hair for a while too, though he was rocking it when he was in the Neurotic Outsiders with Johnny whatshisface from Duran Duran, Matt Sorum and fucking Steve Jones baby, yeah!

16) They don’t have to be fuzzy, the pair I’ve got aren’t 😉

21) I’ll get ya a math book, don’t worry!

22) I saw the symbol on the chopped dates, but I’m seriously disappointed that they don’t have some guy in a mascot running around the store chasing babies. That would kick ass.

25) Hah, braces and shit. Listen, I’ll put the braces on my dental plan, don’t let the cat get killed! Jeez!

Josh says:

16) Heh heh heh hee heh hehh hhehehheheh. Word.
25) Fine, I’ll save the cat. But only because the only thing more expensive than a cat is a new cat.

16) Heheheheheheheheheheheheheh. *continues to laugh like beavis and/or butthead* Hehehehehehehehe. Heheheheheheheheh.

25) Um, I’ve actually decided to never have cats again, but whatever. It’s the principle. If he fucks with any bunnies, his ass is skinned though, okay?

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