Christmastime in the Emerald City

{March 4, 2008}   Talea’s Bitchin’ 25th Birthday Party

Alright, bitches!!! Time to celebrate! Actually, last Wednesday and Sunday were the times of celebration, but it’s taken me a while to edit the photos and actually get myself some time in front of the computer. So here we are, and this is going to be another delicious photo fest! So sit back and enjoy!

Firstly, the internet is a super awesome place filled with super awesome people. Yes, there are douchebags, but there are enough awesome people to make up for the douchebaggery. Like Josh (I lub you! He’s sending me BBQ sauce!) and Romi, our newest spicy cohort! That’s right, we finally got to meet Romi!!!!!!! The blogging trifecta is complete!!!

Firstly, Romi and I wore nearly identical shoes. That means, natch, we are soulmates.


How sweet is that. Second, she brought cupcakes. And booze. And gifts. And me? I brought sparklers for the cupcakes and a motherfucking PINATA! That’s right. I am the best friend ever. Who doesn’t want something to kick the shit out of on their birthday? Especially when it bleeds candy.


There it is, the giant lipstick. Okay, less explanation, more pictures.

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Sparklers! A first for Talea!

And then we busted out the prezzies! Yayyyy! Romi was super sweet and got all kinds of fun stuff for Talea. Including her favourite oddity….CHEESE WHIZ AND JAM!!! EWWWW!!!


That’s right. Look how friggin’ happy this girl is to get two of the most disgustingly inappropriate-for-mixing toast-toppers ever. And yes, she made us try it. The result was unpleasant.


Yeah, it’s as awful as it looks. Dear god people, don’t EVER try this. Gnarly to the core.

Anyways, aside from the giant pinata, I got Talea a cute little wallet. The upside? It’s totally racist, awwww yeeaaaah (If you don’t like it, get the hell off my blog.) Observe.

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Hah! YESSS!!! Okay, I know you can’t read it, but it says “I got you a gift” followed by “WHY YOU WASTE MONEY!??!” It’s funny because it’s true.

After the prezzies, we beat the shit out of the pinata. With a spoon. Romi was the tree.

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Look how awesomely angry she is! Fun times! The face! Always with the face.


Grarrrrrrr! Don’t take Talea in a fight, she’ll frigging BITE YA! Hahahaha.

Now it’s my turn!


I. Totally. Kick. Ass.

And seriously, it took quite a bit of effort to get the candy out of this thing! Eventually we gave up on the spoon and Talea just smashed it into the floor until it gave up the goods.

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Ah, the sweet, sweet entrails of a fine Mexican tradition. For some reason, this entire bout of shennanigandery struck us as retardedly funny, and we all wound up sitting on the floor giggling our asses off.



That’s right, confetti in the hair. And look at Talea all smiley and shit. Anyone who doesn’t think Talea smiles has never given her racist accessories, cheeze-whiz-n-jam, or projectile candies. That’s all it takes people! A few bucks at the dollar store for cheap thrills, I am SO down with that.

So anyways, at this point, we decided to roll around in the candy. Yeah.

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With some interesting results…

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And eventually…


Yes. Unsurprisingly, Romi ended up missing her bus back to butt-fuck suburban nowhere. But it was a delicious evening indeed! Romi now has a standing invitation to join us every Wednesday for America’s Next Top Model deliciousness. 

Disclaimer: pinatas will not be available every Wednesday. Thank you.

Well, Wednesday was only the beginning of the par-tay. Thursday itself was Talea’s *actual* birthday, which meant the celebrations had to continue. Thusly, I snuck into work early (by ‘snuck’ I mean ‘showed up’) and decorated her office! Wooot! That’s right, STILL the best friend ever. And? And? And? I got her a cake. Fuck yeah, bitches, that’s no shitty-ass Costco vanilla-that-really-just-tastes-like-sugar-and-cardboard nightmare. That’s a vanilla bean extravaganza made with real cream and pure essence of  excellence.

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And fun was had by all. Well…not really. Just the clients we like enough to share the cake with. So that was fun. Actually…the half eaten cake is still in my cupboard here. Hmmmm. I think we may have forgotten about it. Well, there’s cream in there, so I guess it’ll start to smell when it goes over. Carrying on!

So THEN (yes, it’s still continuing, Talea is quite loved by all) we had a little bash on Sunday. This little bash was thrown by none other than our super-great Crafty Friend May! She is excellent. She is excellent because she could take Martha Stewart any day of the week, and do it all without that hideous blank expression. May is fun to the millionth degree, and because she has kids, she only knows how to throw little-kid parties. Little kid parties for adults? AWESOME.

Firstly, Talea and I met up by coincidence on the dreaded Dufferin bus and made our way to May’s house. And when we got there:

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May and the kids had decorated the front window! And we were greeted with balloons! Seriously, I don’t care who the hell you are, being greeted with balloons is super awesome. And she got all kinds of awesome stuff!

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Flowers! And loot bags filled with goodies of the homemade cookie variety! And for lunch we each had personalized pies (mine was veggie) with our initials on them! And crowns! Truly May is a kiddie-party hostess extraordinaire.

I got a crown too, we all did. And now a brief pause so that I may be narcissistic:


Look at me, I’m so excellent! And I’m wearing a shirt that Talea gave me, extra excellent!


Me and May! Another twin shot! May is famous for her ‘May and YOU!’ pictures, she takes one with everyone on every occasion, and we almost always end up looking like twins.

There was also continuing fun with the ongoing theme of Optimus Domesticus, with little Woogs joining in. (For those in the know, Woogs is also known as Baby Chuck Norris, because she will kick your ass harder than his secret third fist hidden under his beard.)

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Top left, that would be May in the mask. Top right, that would be Cait in the mask, with May going “Ugh! Do NOT light that cigarette in my house!” And below we see Woogs threatening to kick ass in an upside down mask that’s just about as big as she is. Seriously though, don’t mess with this kid. She’ll bitch your face up. But then give props, so it’s all good.

The day was excellent, and we had an awesome amount of food and good times. And, of course, there is still cake in the cupboard here. So I would say this was a very successful birthday indeed! We got to meet our spicy new internet friend, candy was shed all around, and it was overall a half-week of celebratory goodness.

And yes, I wore a crown too. Thank you…and good night.



Talea says:

AAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA, I love it! Lurve it, even. A whole post dedicated to my day of the birth.
I love how there’s a billion pics of me up there and now everyone can see that I DO smile.
Anyhow, with real sincerity, I love all my friends who helped make this easily the BEST birthday I have ever had. I Love all of you girls (capital L) and I’ll remember your wonderfulness when your bdays roll around. I felt like a queen and you made my trepidations about leaving 24 behind melt away.
Oh, and Em, your pics are cute too.
🙂 🙂 🙂

queenbitch says:

OH how cool! I got to see ALL of Romi! and talea smiling!! and lots of you being well.. .you!! you dont look as scary as i had imagined…

romi41 says:

Ladies….so much fun, thanks for having me! 🙂

And I love how my drunkenness brings out the best in my appearance…riiight…and in case anyone was wondering, that dog bed was comfy!! LOL…and damn, I missed my bus by like one-minute…I probably shouldn’t have gotten lost on a street I would know very well in daylight/sober-state, but meh, what are you gonna do! 😉

PS: to everyone, Talea is a FREAK, ’cause Cheez Whiz and Jam is a HEINOUS combination!!

PPS: looks like you girls had an awesome time for the rest of your celebration, and Em, OH MY GOD, that last pic of you, pig-tails and crown…DAMN!!! 😉

Red says:

hahhaaa! you guys are awesome . ! Glad to see everyone had a good time, and that you got crowns. those are the shit.

Good times and great pictures. Surely guys are buying bus tickets to Toronto in droves. Candy, cake, and cleavage, OH MY! Thanks for sharing. 😉

Maytina says:

It’s nice seeing the bash blogged, it was a fun afternoon. Talea is just fantastic, I very much enjoyed showering her with gifts. Having a children’s party for grown ups is so much fun! Next up: Lindsay!

The flowers from Cait were such a sweet touch and I’m pretty sure there’s a photo kicking around of the pretty decanter Cait picked up for Talea. I need to get a pic of the hostess gift she got me, that magnet lady is hilarious!

There will be crowns at all of the birthdays this year, natch.

Josh says:

Em: you are surely a sight to behold in your tiara. A hotter chick has never lived. And plus you still make me laugh. Keep it up darlin. And get some of those gorgeous pics of you up on Facebook already, I don’t want to hear any of this editing is hard excuse crap! How am I supposed to pop boners with out plenty of pictures of you?

Talea: I’m not going to judge you until I’ve tried this cheeze whiz/jam combo I keep hearing about. But it was lovely to see you smiling and not being pissed off and scary. I still wouldn’t want to fight you, but you seem much sweeter now that I know those cheeks work. Happy 25’th.

Romi: I want a cup cake too. And don’t worry about the doggy bed thing, I’ve slept in weirder places. Especially after hitting the bottle.

May: You honestly astound me with your domestocity. I love cooking, and yet could not hold a sparkler to your mad crazy skillz.

Josh says:

Queenie: I missed you somehow. It is cool seeing Romi in all her glory isn’t it? I didn’t know what to imagine from her caricatured writing style. She might have been the pretty little thing she turned out to be, or she could be some scary ass dog faced gremlin. Who would know? And don’t let Em’s appearance fool you, she’s scary as hell on the inside! 😉

😦 and I missed it all…

romi41 says:

Josh, you’re so sweet! 🙂 And I’m so glad I’m not a scary-ass-dog-faced-gremlin, because it’s tough enough finding a man “as is”!! 😉

Lucky says:

Great pics! I’m so glad y’all had such a great time!!! I love the piñata! And the cheese whiz and jam pics? That confirms my suspicion of its disgustingness and I will NOT try it. Ever.

Yay for everyone!!!

Talea: I lub you so much, I’d give you a million pinatas!

Romi: SOOOO glad to have finally met you, you are so super awesome! More awesomeness shall occur in the near future, I am sure.

Queenie: Thanks, ha! I’m really not scary looking at all, that’s Talea’s job (I lub you Talea!) hehehehe. But she’s not really that scary either.

Red: Thanks, it was awesome times. And I recommend every lady go out and get herself a crown, just to feel extra sparkly.

Peter: Yes, I’m sure there are plenty of male folk bussing it in to the T-dot. We’re full of awesomeness.

May: Thank you so so much for having us! You put on a kick ass little kids grown up party 😀

Josh: I lub you! Yes, I will get some pictures up on Le Facebook for your wandering mind 😉

Cowgal: Don’t worry, there will always be more birthdays! Eeeee!


David says:

Happy Birthday Greenie! Thanks for sharing your birthday party with us! You guys are dangerous with the pinata! Lucky nobody got hurt!

David says:

OH OOPS! I mean Happy Birthday Talea!

Hahaha! Yes, my birthday will probably involve far more shennanigandery, possibly monkeys, and a stripper named Ethel. Who knows?

David says:

Well if your birthday is as well documented as talea’s then that’s a blog post I’m looking forward too. This post was great. It’s nice to get a better look at Romi and I don’t see why talea’s face is seen as angry. Looks kinda pretty to me! You are all very cute, and that picture of y’all crackin up on the floor is just priceless!

So yeah, some monkeys would be cool. Your bunnies probably won’t like them though. When’s your birthday greenie?

Josh says:

Heh heh heh. A stripper named Ethel, previously Ethan.

[…] So, to see me (whoop! Who DOESN’T want to know the face behind the sass, awesome writing and amazing wit?) and Emerald and Romi, click here. […]

My birthday shall remain a secret just in case I feel like celebrating it a few times throughout the year 😉

And Josh, you KNOW my opinion of male strippers! Hah, that includes PREVIOUSLY male strippers!

Thomas says:

Something tells me that I should move to Canada and join your circle of friends. 🙂

Thomas 🙂

Josh says:

Damn woman, you aren’t down with male strippers, you aren’t down with shemale strippers. What do you do for fun? What kind of life is led completely shemale free? And what about the other day when you were showing me the pics of the gay pride parade? That one dude had wicked nice boobs. But boobs or no, I’d bet you he was still pre-op. You know you’d let him dance all up on you.

No, I’d run away! I’d run to the safe haven of dyke central. Ooh, did I tell you they sing? They sing about how much they love being dykes. It’s super fun. Seriously though, gay pride day is hilariously fun, but sometimes all those ginormous wangs in bright thongs can get a little scary. Even though they want nothing to do with little ole me, I’m still afraid that they’ll just wind up and smack me in the face.

duffboy says:

I’ve struck chick-blogger oil, 3 funny and kick ass girls on my blogosphere. Once I get on any of your blogroll’s, life will be complete 😉

Josh says:

I would if I were in a gay pride parade. Well, really I just look for excuses to smack people with my wang.

joebecca says:

How freaking awesome! i’m so glad she had such an awesome birthday!! you rock!!

nahole says:

Shit – that looks like it was a fucking good time and shit. Anything involves girls and booze is bound to fucking rock.

Duffboy: consider yourself blogrolled, if only for the sheer joy of repeating ‘Duffman!…can’t breathe!’ and ‘Duffman!…supports the designated driver program!” and such. Hi-lay!

Josh: wang smacking, eh? Hmmmm…I predict documentary footage. We shall discuss this at length later.

Tiny Whore, with her wieners and beer: it was freaking awesome indeed!!! pinatas are the shiznat.

nahole: next year: booze filled pinatas.

nahole says:

I don’t know Greenie – booze filled chicks seems just about right to me.

Josh says:

Em: Come on! Why don’t chicks see this kind of stuff? all my women get surprised when I go around slapping stuff with my dick. What’s the point of having a rock hard, veigny, meat club attached to your balls if you’re not going to hit stuff with it. Seriously, people without wieners just have no idea how awesome they are. I can flip on lights, or make mushroom stamps, or shimmy my hips making that uber-satisfying stereo slap sound. Like in porn for instance, have you ever noticed when one guy walks up and isn’t getting enough attention from Ms. Facehole, like if she’s already got both hands and a mouth occupied, he’ll tap her on the face with his dick to get her attention. I’m telling you, every man has a natural instinct to hit things with his wiener.

Josh: Nope, I don’t think we get that. And feel free to smack stuff with your weiner, just don’t get mad if I laugh my ass off. Nothing personal 😉 I personally don’t get it, but that’s because I knock stuff over with my boobs all the time, and it’s just annoying because it’s never on purpose

Josh says:

I asked a few guys, and they all do it too. Haven’t any of your previous guys done that? Seriously? Cause I’m pretty sure it’s normal. You can laugh your ass off all you want. It’s only when I’m using muhdik for specific tasks that the laughing is bad. Cause if anyone knows the comedy potential of a wiener, it’s a man boy like myself.

I can honestly say that I have never been whacked with a weiner, probably because I’ve got that thing where boys know I will eviscerate them if they piss me off. Just give me warning, unexpected presences in my personal space get flailed at, and you don’t want me to flail around that.

Ha, I love that Talea’s birthday post has turned into an ongoing discussion about wang-whacking.

Red says:

*raises hand*
I’ve been whacked with a few wieners. I didn’t mind it though.

Josh says:

Thank you Red for your support. Em darlin, the surprise is half the point. And I asked all the guys at work today, and they all like smacking chicks with their wieners too. I knew I wasn’t the only one. I guess getting punched in the dick would be fair, and worth the prize of face-smacking-with-a-dick. So what you are telling me is chicks never do fun stuff with their boobies? Come on now, be real. Surely you can make them spin in different directions, or hold things between them, or generally just have fun with your body in non-sexual ways. I mean, I can catapult things with my dick. I can hold towels and coats and such. Stir drinks, you name it.

Okay, we’re totally having a “weird things we can do with our sexual organs” showdown. You and me, we’re totally keeping score.

Wait, I meant that for le boyfriend, not Red. But thank you Red! Clearly I have much to learn. I’m sure Josh is more than willing to teach me, but don’t expect any “I got hit in the face with a wang” posts any time soon.

nahole says:

I use my fucking dick for all kinds of things (besides pissing, fucking and jerking off). As a smacking device it’s second to fucking none because when it strikes it’s got the dual surprise fucking action – a) the smart slap of skin on skin and b) the fact that it’s a fucking dick. Listen Greenie – if you wanted to get some dudes attention, flopping a tit in the face would do way better than a “psst, psst, over here” trust me.

Josh says:

I took this debate to the bar last night (once again, confirmed by all men present) and heard a new one for chicks. Actually it was kind of disturbing cause Sami was the one who told me, but see how many cd’s you can hang on your nipple. Put the nipple right there in the center hole and just see how many you can stack up.

Holy fuck! Sami is a genius, I’ll totally let you know how that goes.

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