Christmastime in the Emerald City

{February 14, 2008}   Happy Valamatimes, Suckers!!!

I hate Valentines Day. I think it’s stupid. Some random saint or another who I’m pretty sure was a little too down with the children somehow conjures up five dollar cards that smart people throw away after a week and idiots keep in a box for the rest of their lives? No thanks. Flowers? Cute, I guess, but they’re going to die. Kind of a waste of money. Fancy dinner? I’m always up for that, but why today? It’s fucking Thursday! And have you looked outside?!?


Really?! You want me to go out in that?!? You want me to even consider stepping out the door, or asking some guy to step out of his door to come see me?! No. Fucking. Way. Even if I wasn’t single, I wouldn’t be going outside. I’d be all “Yeah, you’re totally sexy too, dude, let’s hook up and get naked as soon as it’s not FORTY DEGRESS BELOW FUCKING FREEZING!!!” Jesus Christ!

Okay, so the truth is that while I am all “blargh!” about the stupid sappy shit, it does occasionally get to me that I’m not seeing anyone. Not that I want to be tied down, but never? Really? Sure I’ve got fellows here and there, but I can’t say I’ve ‘dated’ anybody in, well, just about forever. What the hell?! Seriously?! I’m totally sexy and fantasy worthy, but not actually girlfriend-status-worthy? Ugh! Fuck that, and fuck Valentines day.

So again, in my ongoing effort to kick the shit out of my pissy moods, I’m going to focus on the super awesome things about being a Bachellorette. I’m not going to focus on the fact that unlike the ideal Bachellorette state, I haven’t gotten any since before fucking Christmas!

And yeah, really, it’s just another excuse to post a shit-load of pictures because I’m an exhibitionist like that. So enjoy!

My Bachellorette life! Woot! My Bachellorette Pad (Pad as in apartment, not Maxi. Gross.):


There is an actual bedroom, but it’s being renovated. And because I live with me and the critters and nobody else, I can take as damn long as I like and paint it whatever colour I like. Observe:

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Sure, the landlords might not like me ripping out tiles and nailing planks of wood halfway up the wall, but my place isn’t exactly up to code anyways. So they can just bite me. Seriously, I had my dad come in to change my light fixtures. It wasn’t just a matter of screwing a few bolts in the wall, he had to do some nasty rewiring shit that would most certainly have made me cry just looking at it. On the plus side, I now have lights that look like boobies!


And I have two of them! So let’s see what else is awesome about living the bach-style.


I can kick my smelly feet up and watch the hockey game while smoking weed and staring into my kitchen, ignoring the dirty dishes and farting to myself. And then I can turn to nobody in particular and say “God, keep it to yourself once in a while, can’t you?” and laugh out loud with nobody around to think I’m a nut job. Sweet! And yes, my coffee table is a large dog cage containing a crazed rabbit. Sort of like fish-tank platform boots, only a bit more practical. Oh, and I can yell at the tv when dumb commercials come on and nobody is around to disagree with me.

Speaking of adverts, I assume you’ve all seen those shitty commercials for women’s razors that are all “Ooh, you won’t need to steal your boyfriends razor anymore!” Fuck that shit. Those razors still suck. I don’t know why it’s so fucking hard to just take a Gillette Mach 3 Turbo or whatever it is and just put a pink handle on it. For some reason they’re all ‘specially designed for your curves’ and all that shit, like I’m shaving my ass or something. I can assure I am not. I’m shaving my legs and I want a damn good razor. And I don’t have to steal my boyfriends razor, I can just get my own damn razor – there’s no male around to say “That one’s mine! It must be, it’s not pink!” Mine! All mine! No sharing!


And I wear men’s deoderant too, you all know that. But that’s about the extent of manly things in my bathroom. I have TONS of girly things! And they take up the WHOOOLLLLE bathroom. All the shelves. Observe:


That’s right! No room for your Aqua-whatever the hell. Get that shit out of my girly place, my Tampax is way more important. So is my hairdryer, my makeup, my lotion, and my girly toy cleverly hidden behind the mousse and vaseline (not related to each other in any way.)

What else is in my bathroom? My underwear! On the floor, which is right where it belongs!


And yeah, I forgot to close the bathroom door, which means the rabbits got into unfamiliar territory and had to to leave pellets around to stake their claim. Whatever. Sweep, sweep, gone, like cleaning up macaroni bits that you’ve spilled or whatever. Not like cat shit…cat shit is the worst. And yes, those are the ones I was wearing when I answered that meme that asked me what colour panties I was wearing. Do I see anything wrong with showing my panties to the world? No. It’s just a pile of fabric, jeez.

Mmmkay, what else?

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I don’t have to shop for anyone but myself! Look at that empty fridge! Brita? Empty. Beer? Empty. Pizza box? Empty. Box-of-8 of yogurt? Empty. When did I get around to cleaning it? Whenever I damn well felt like it. And look at my bookshelf! It’s alphabetized. I can’t sleep unless it’s alphabetized. I’m a little more lenient with the cd’s, but not the books. Nobody moves my books around, lest you end up in the book of crime scene photos on the left there. Don’t touch my shiznat!

I can make myself an uber delicious veggie burger for dinner without having someone there to say “veggie burger, ew, that’s not the same” and then get into an argument, because yes-it-fucking-is. It’s yummy, it’s protein and it fills me up without making my stomach go “Ugh!” or having to explain to the bunnies they’re different from cows even though some people think rabbits are food. And even if said person agrees with me, I don’t want to share! My seven dollar box of burgers, mine!

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Tasty tasty faux-meat! MMMMMM!!!!!! Mine, all mine!!!! Mahahahahahaha!!!!

Or, if I don’t feel like cooking, I can have this for dinner:


That’s right! Mmmmmm. You boys just WISH you lived with me! Too fucking bad, suckers, those Doritos are MINE.

And best of all, when I go out with the ladies, I always hear them calling to say “I’m going to be home a bit later, okay? Okay, bye!” Not that the ladies have overbearing boyfriends or anything. They’re quite lovely in fact. I just don’t want to have to call anyone. That’s why I moved out on my own. Because you know what? Sometimes I don’t know what time I’ll be home, okay? I’ll be home eventually, I’ve got animals to feed. But hey, if I had someone living with me to feed them, who knows how long I’d stay out? I might just stay out all night with Sassy Talea on a night such as this:

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 Awesome!!! So all you Valentiners can keep your flowers and fuzzy pink heart boxes of Russel-Stover crap. It’s a pretty simple equation.

  = cute, sweet, but BORING!!!

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So maybe you’re getting laid tonight and I’m not. Fine. But I’m eating a juicy chunk of deliciousness that leaves a better aftertaste. SO THERE!!!

Mmmmm, Valentines burger.

Tomorrow, stay tuned for Behind-the-Music with the bunnies! Sid Vicious vs. Conner Oberst! Exciting times! Same bat time, same bat channel!


Josh says:

First of all I want to say I agree with your bitter lonely stance on Valentines day. (sort of) Second, I think you might not be familiar with the legend of St. Valentine, he wasn’t down with kids. I hate to admit it, but I totally fall for the sappy shit like this whenever I’m in a relationship. Not like I would buy you a five dollar card, but I might buy you a plush zombie, or a bone saw. I like excuses to give people gifts, especially when I’ve got a woman. I do hate what Valentines day has become, but I am all about celebrating some love or affection.

I’ve been alone for every Valentines day my whole life too. You can add every other holiday ever, except two Halloweens, and one birthday, which I didn’t even get any nookie on. (stupid out of town guest childhood friend bitch ass motherfucker) You say you don’t want to be tied down, but something tells me you might enjoy getting tied up. 😉 And you are not only totally fantasy worthy, but worthy all around. Perhaps it is just the men in your life who are not worthy. Chew on that, and happy Valentines even though you hate it. I’ll give you some flowers and a cheap card on hushabye mountain. We can have a picnic. It’s not snowing there. It’s lovely.

Green is actually my favorite color as well, I know we’ve been over this. I brung it up because I have painted my room green in the past as well. Not avocado, but lime green. Still, it’s green and us green folks need to stick together. I think your place looks awesome, even the kitchen, which brings me back to my party house days. And you fart, talk to your self, and yell at lame commercials? If I hadn’t already proposed to you, I would right now. You may be the sexiest lady who’s ever lived.

You keep pointing these idiosyncrasies out like they are neurosis, but they aren’t. They’re what make you Emerald. They’re what make you such an intriguing, entertaining, attractive person. Empty fridge, sex toys in the bathroom, mens razors (which do rock the casbah, thank you Mach 3), panties (hawt!), stinky work feet, alphabetized books; these are the things that make you kick ass! They aren’t attributes that keep men away, they’re the ones that attract good men to you. Trust me Em, St. Valentine made this day for all the men who haven’t met you yet. ❤

And you know what, I’ll not argue with you again about the whole fake meat thing. If you enjoy it, then by all means, knock yourself out. You can eat ten soy burgers a day till you’re 300 pounds. Just have fun doing it. What the hell, I won’t even argue with you about Doritos. And I swear to god almighty and Buddha and shit, when I do eventually visit your winter wonderland, I won’t eat any of either. You rock my world Em, never stop doing what you do, and happy black history month and happy friday, and happy fucking I survived the god damn night day. People don’t need excuses to give you shit, you deserve it all the time. (by give you shit, I mean gifts, not actually give you shit, which would suck) Cheers to you and your beautiful veggie eating self darlin.

BUUUUUUUHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! *wells up with tears* Thanks Josh, I heart you so much! Curse your long distance-ness! If we weren’t already internet married, we sure are now!

Oh, and I would totally love a bone saw! And is there really a hushabye mountain?! Like in Chitty Chitty Bang Bang?! That was my favourite movie when I was a kid.

Josh says:

Nope. I don’t believe there is a Hushabye mountain. I just meant it as in, like, dreamland or whatever. And I know that song. I fucking love it. I’ve got three versions of it on my computer. I’ll have to find the really good one and send it to you, or figure out a way to post it on my blog or something. It’s so much prettier than the version that old what’s his face sings in the movie.

aniche says:

I love that boobie light!!!! 😀

Jes, it is quite fantastic. It makes me smile every time I turn my light on. BOOBIES!!! Heheheheh

romi41 says:

Em I loved this post! It was like getting a sneak-peek “slice of Em’s life”, and it really is awesome, and you’re so right, WHO THE FUCK would want to leave the house in weather like that!?!?!

I spent my Valentine’s hiding from the cold, wearing a big sweatshirt and flannel PJ pants complete with Teddy Bear prints (ohhhh yeah), eating Doritos and brownies, and watching Serendipity for like the 20th time, following by re-runs of Frasier and Sex and the City….I was over-joyed, and I’d do it all over again.

Happy Fucking Valentine’s Day 🙂

Red says:

Im lovin the picture posts .. they be a great sneak peek into Auntie Em’s world !

Paul B. says:

Wait a minute…….! That is not a Toblerone.. that is a mini chocolate elephant! That is insane..!!!! I want one..!

I love the green paint…that would look so loverly in my front room, because I have the same boob lights! I have them in every room in fact. I love the post…it’s great.

Emerald says:

Hello everyone, wordpress is being a cow-faced whore today and not letting me get in the regular way, so I’m commenting like an outsider. But yes, I do enjoy giving everyone a little peek into my life. The bunny room is all finished now! And hopefully I’ll get the rest of my place all fancied up soon enough. First order of business is getting a new futon! Oh my back!!!

nahole says:

Just seeing your fucking shit and place make we want to fucking be there to do you Greenie. Fucking Doritos rock.

David says:

Yeah great post greenie! Thanks. Love the photos. The cuisine, the library, the panties on the floor. The empty Corona rack in the fridge brings a tear to the eye though. Lucky you got enough weed to smoke!

That’s some giant Toblerone you got there! HA! And YAH, fuck valamatimes day. I’m NOT gonna drink any FUCKING MERLOT! (line from movie “Sideways”)
Love don’t need no fucking holiday!

Steve says:

This is like an episode of MTV Cribs. Where is the pictures of your car? Haha.

I don’t drive Steve! You should know that! I’m a downtowner and a hippie, we shun cars! There more of a pain than anything else if you live downtown.

Josh says:

You should get a scooter like me. Good on gas, so good for nature and shit. Plus, you can park anywhere. Seriously, anywhere. I can see hippies riding scooters. Even down town hippies.

Qelqoth says:

Your breastly home lighting distracted me from the awesomeness of those burgers. Both looked awesome in equal amounts although I suggest a battle to the death between them both.

Being edible, I’d choose the burgers anyday. Mmmmmburgers. Though the lights are pretty fantastic. Ooh! Boobie shaped burgers! Genius!

Steve says:

Damn hippies….

Sometimes I just start my car so it pollutes the air.

Aw, Josh, that’s such a cute idea. However, one day when you visit Toronto and realize how far a trek it is to work (especially in the cold and the snow) you’ll see that it’s not such a hot idea. Plus, it would cost more. Plus, I know you’d love to see a hot chick in a miniskirt and work heels riding around on a scooter, but it’s really not practical. And you can’t park just anywhere, cause it’s road then building. Damn parking cops and such, I’m not paying to scoot around underground!

Steve: I’m sure you do 😛

joebecca says:

hey there sexie girlfriend!!
I loved the tour of the bathroom and the veggie burger did look delish! my b/f won’t eat mushrooms, which makes me very sad and unjoyful :*(
anyhoo, while you made a great point about the great things about being by your self, you made me wonder why the fuck i let my b/f practically live with me! geez i miss doing what i want, watching what i want, eating and cooking when i want. i feel like i’m constantly being scrutinized. like say it’s 1030 and i want to eat some chips while watching 4 episodes in a row of Law and Order (a weakness of mine)… well first of all, he would never let me watch 4 episodes in a row, but secondly he doesn’t think it’s a great idea to eat a half bag of chips so late. WELL I DO!
sigh…. the grass is always greener i guess….

The giant toblerone was Talea’s, you’ll have to ask her. I was over to do some stupid work thing and there it was on the shelf! And yeah, I sure do like being able to do what I want, but at least you get the cuddling! Stupid boys, always too busy. You wouldn’t think there was such a thing as being too busy for the nookie, but it’s apparently so!

Josh says:

No there is no such thing as being too busy for the nookie. There is however such a thing as being too gay for the nookie. Unless you’re scrogging seven times a day and their wangs are about to fall off, they should shut the hell up and bump some uglies. Too busy! mumble mumble mumble …. grrrr … If your wiener is working properly, there shouldnt be a woman alive that can out libido a man. We’re supposed to be hornier at all times. Maybe it’s all that cold Toronto air shrinking balls and killing boners or something.

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