Christmastime in the Emerald City

{February 6, 2008}   Dear Oprah: Shut Your Big Fat Car-Giving-Away Mouth

Ok, I had planned to do this post a few days ago. I had certainly planned to do this post before the big Super Tuesday hoo-ra. However, as you all know, I do my blogging at work. I consider this to be an accomplishment, what with all the corporate spyware these days. Unfortuantely, there are times when I actually have to do my fucking job, so whatever. You get to read my opinions loud and clear on this glorious Post-Super-Tuesday Extravaganza.

Also, I’m not the type of person to waste any more of my time doing research to back up my opinions. That’s what school is for, and I’m not in it anymore, so you may feel free to simply take my opinion as truth without all the fancy facts and figures.

If you’ve been following the U.S. Election brouhaha at all, you may have guessed that I am about to rant away about Oprah’s full-frontal support of Barack Obama. And I am. I just want to clarify a few things first.

Firstly, I am Canadian, and goddamned proud of it. And that means that I am less emotionally invested in this election than many. Although I heard somewhere – again, no proper research here – that the last election managed to call out fewer voters than that season’s finale of American Idol. Sad commentary my friends. Sad indeed. But at any rate, it’s true: I am Canadian, and don’t particularly care a huge amount about your election. I’m rather impartial. As such, I’m not going to say that I’m all for one politician over another. This brings me to my second point.

When voting, I do not vote based on individual politicians. I happen to be a very left wing person, for all the pros and cons that may bring about. There is a reason for this lack of individual support: party platforms are going to be more consistent than specific politicians. This is because individual politicians are humans. Humans are lying, cheating, thieving bastards prone to fucking up and covering their own asses (except for maybe Gandhi and Mother Theresa, but there haven’t been too many of them lately). We like to elect people into office, dump all the last guy’s fuck-ups on them, and then get pissy and boot them out when they can’t fix it all without breaking some of the promises they fed us to get into office in the first place. I’m not saying they don’t have good intentions to make the world a better place – I’m just saying they’re human. And I dislike humans.

So, moving on. Having been given all this info, I’m sure you can postulate that while I would certainly vote Democrat were I afflicted with an American passport (sorry, I likes my health care), I cannot say whom I would prefer between Barack Obama and Hilary Clinton. I refuse to vote for a singular person. I can’t even give my hypothetical opinion, because I am completely in the dark in regards to their views on various issues.

HOWEVER. I can say this much: if you are going to vote for a particular politician, you should be doing the research into their political stance on the issues that matter to you. Oprah’s motherfucking opinion SHOULD NOT BE ONE OF THEM!!! What the fuck?!?! Since when does owning a massive conglomerate founded on the basis of gathering a bunch of sweater-set wearing housewives together for a daily chit-chat equate to a fucking degree in political sciences? Sure, you’re a ‘people person’, but so was Hitler – he talked people into way worse shit. Not that Oprah is necessarily on par with Hitler, although many a husband may disagree on that point. She does have the minority thing going on (sort of), and I do have to give her credit where due for building up a massive media empire out of next to nothing. Kudos to her. I can’t say much for her book club, but kudos. And yet, the fact remains that all the kudos in the world does not make you an expert on who should be in charge of a sickening amount of global power. BE CAREFUL AMERICA. YOU ARE ONE STEP CLOSER TO VOTING HER INTO OFFICE. DO YOU REALLY WANT A PRESIDENT OPRAH?!?!

I remember the last election and all the media hype thereabouts. I also clearly recall that my favourite band at the time had a little daily blurb on their website about their daily goings-on. Alright, fine, the Goo Goo Dolls, okay? Sure, they’re not Oprah-big, but they’ve had their moments in the sun. What did they have to say about the election? “VOTE!!!,” they said. “My god people, vote!!! These turnouts are horrendous! We’re not going to tell you who to vote for, just make sure you make your voice heard!” True, if you know anything about the band, it’s pretty obvious they’re on the left-wing side of things. They may be all GQ’d up as of late, but they had some pretty impressive mohawks back in the day. Not to mention they paused in the middle of their concert a while back to say “Oh! Yeah, um…sorry about Bush, guys. We really appreciate your patience with all of that. God, what a moron! Anyways, carrying on…” But during the election itself? Not a word! And that’s how it should be! If you want to show support, put a motherfucking sign on your lawn!!! Does the average American get to go on television to try and talk the nation into voting for his or her favourite? No. Why does Oprah?!?!

Don’t even try to pretend I’m wrong about this. You’ve seen Oprah whether you meant to or not. You know her power. You know the flocks of fans that run to the store to pick up whatever book she’s recommended as of late. There are hordes of people who latch onto any Official Oprah Opinion and make it their own. Sure, there are tons of people who may have picked up a Britney Spears opinion and made it their own, but they were about 11 at the time, and they’ve been hopefully disenfranchised with her latest incarceration in the loony bin. Oprah, on the other hand, is a squeaky clean respectable menace to society!!!

People. Are going to vote. For Barack Obama. BECAUSE OPRAH FUCKING SAID SO!!! YOU KNOW IT’S TRUE!!!

Now, again, I don’t necessarily have a problem with Barack Obama. I have little opinion one way or the other. But what is so incredibly wrong with you that you are going to let some television personality who doesn’t know you and your cute fucking manicured poodle from Joe Blow Secret Espionage Drug Dealer tell you who should run your fucking country!?!? And the huge problem is that Oprah fucking knows this!!! Ohhhh, she’s black AND a woman, WELL THEN, she must certainly have an objective view on the whole matter. No, she clearly fucking doesn’t. I have an objective fucking view because I’m not even a fucking voter! I don’t have a say in who wins, so what do I care? I don’t. But you should. You should care enough to do your own goddamned research! 

What the fuck are you doing using your celebrity to push your personal opinion on who should run your fucking country? Especially the U.S.!!! Sure, I may be uber-Canadian, but even I’m well aware that the U.S. is the head world power. It’s true! You’re the new Roman Empire. Which of course means that you’ve got orgies and vomitariums to look forward to, followed by a massive, bloody decline.

Let the president lead the way!


maryblu says:

You really have some personal issues to take care of.

Thank you maryblu at If you’d take the time to read any of my blog, you’d see that yes, this is true. I’m pretty damned near certifiable. It doesn’t mean I don’t have an opinion. What the fuck do you think blogs are for? Being politically correct and worrying what the public thinks? It’s a good thing I don’t have more serious issues. Putting your email up for grabs on the intarwubs is not always a good thing. Anyone who feels like taking a jab at maryblu have at it. Nahole, I’m talking to you. I think Josh could come up with a few good words of wisdom as well. The sheer speed of the appearance of your comment is just another indication that I am right. Too many people take the opinions of one lone stranger far too seriously. You and Britney are the epitome of all that is wrong in the world. Go fuck yourself and have a wonderful day!


Red says:

You know more about the damn elections than I do .. and you’re Canadian 😉
I just dont give a flying fuck about ’em.

At least you say so instead of saying “oh, well, gee, Oprah says…” Fucking Oprah! Grarararar!!!

You know if they put Opera in office she’ll probably give away free cars to all the americans.

Josh says:

I’ll tear Maryblu a new one later. Heh, mary blew. I got blown by a chick named Mary once. Anyway, that’s not important. Oh jeez what an awesome post. God damn I have so much to say, I’m bursting with ignorant opinions that need to be expressed very soon. But I will have to wait till later. Right now I’m going out to get very very drunk and try not to think about the elections or Oprah, or Hillary, or Obama. We differ in political views somewhat, but we totally agree on how stupid humans are. Especially Oprah fans. I hate Oprah.

Paul B. says:

Wow… Hitler and Oprah all in one line. But right on for stamping your foot on this issue. It seems that every man, woman and dog is coming out to endorse one candidate or another but Oprah is the only one where I say… “Ok you made your point – now get off the stage”.

I thought I was alone in this way of thinking… but you are definitely one step ahead of me.

I think we are all Oprah’d out..

lonelygurl21 says:

I like oprah! please dont throw things at me! Like she does do a lot of good and she is good at interviewing and shes not one of those perfect skinny famous people that either pretends not to exercise and secretly does or does exercise to the point of where its gross ^coughs^ mary kate and ashley * coughs*

However…. as much as i find oprahs recomendations for books and what diets to follow and what movies to check out i would NOT take advice for her on who to vote for. for starters… shes black so she wants the black person in charge.. i can see it now.. we’d all be thrown back 100 years into reverse white slavery.

in conclusion… oprah if your reading this STICK TO PROMOTING BOOKS AND MOVIES AND GIVE ME A FREE FRICKEN CAR..

i do think it would be interesting to have hillary as president. Look who’s wearing the pants now bill? BUT THEN what if shes all PMS Like one day and decides to like.. abolish …. something.. that would suck.. lol

that is all thank you

talea says:

I have my own crazy political views, but I got them all on my own through my own experiences and own beliefs.
I really hate uninformed people who vote. If you’re going to vote, take 10 minutes to at least read the skeleton of the party’s platform. Don’t vote what your parents vote, cuz that’s what your parents vote. Don’t vote what your friends are voting just cuz your friends are voting that. And for God’s sake, don’t vote what OPRAH says, cuz Oprah doesn’t know you, know your life or give a shit about you.

Democracy is a lovely idea. Unfortunately, it allows all the dummies to vote. And Oprah. Who should keep her big fucking mouth shut and let people make their own damned decisions.

And BY THE WAY, could the media BE any more left wing? You’d think that Hilary and BamBam or whatever his name is are in different parties the way they’re pitting them against each other and COMPLETELY IGNORING the Republicans. Fucking left wing media.

Alright, THERE’S the slew of comments I was expecting on this one. I was expecting way more MaryBlu types, but I guess I scared them away. Fucking pansies. COME ON, JUST TRY TO TELL ME I’M WRONG.

For all your varying political opinions, which I can absolutely respect, you have made them yourselves. Which is important! Okay, now on to individual replies, because I know everyone likes that (especially me!)

@ Leaf: This is true! But that is also a problem given that I shun the automobile. Therefore, Oprah sucks even more!

@ Josh: I heart your ignorant opinions. As long as they’re your own. And you’ve done enough parent/church/society shucking to gain my respect even if I don’t agree with your opinions.

@ Paul: Hey, there you are! It’s been a while! I’m totally Oprah’d out. I’m fucking election’d out. It’s in fucking November, isn’t it? What the hell?

@ The Queen: There is nothing wrong with enjoying a cheesy-ass talk show host and her massive media book club. I will totally give her credit for the business end of everything she does, and she certainly has done a lot of good for a lot of needy people. I will not deny that at all. However, she should still stay the fuck out of politics. It’s not necessarily your duty as a black person to vote for the black candidate. Vote for whomever you think is best. Don’t cry racism and then put so much focus on your own damn colour. If she’s NOT voting for him because he’s black but rather because she thinks he’s the best candidate, good for her. She can go cast her vote like any other American WITHOUT being given such a fucking grandstanding opportunity to sway the general public with her celebrity. I’m glad you’re with me on this 🙂

@ Talea: I love you, love you, love you, even though we have completely opposite political views. You’re dead on with people just taking on others opinions, and Oprah is a shining example of this. You’re right wing because you’re right wing, and that’s that. And Democracy, as I believe Churchill or someone else somewhat important said, is the worst form of government…after all the others. And yes, I completely agree that a lot of focus has been placed on the democrats. My theory is that with the fuckuppery of Bush, no one thinks anyone will vote republican this election. Also, as luck would have it, the two people head-to-head for the democrats are BLACK and FEMALE. Oh my god, RAAAAAAAAATTTIINGS!!!! Once upon a time, it was the media’s job to present facts and figures. Now it’s their job to sell that thirty-second slot to the highest bidder. More drama = more money. If either of them were to ever cross the floor, I’m pretty sure the world would just stop turning or something.

talea says:

Oh! Ohhhh!OHHH!
ANNNNND (btw audience at large (cuz Em, you already know this), I get really really really worked up about poltics, which is why you don’t find entries about it on my blog) ANNNNNND, um, has anyone else noticed that Barack is also HALF WHITE?
Okay, so why is it that we’re only allowed to focus on his black half? Again, fucking left wing media. Ohhhh, think about THAT all you people out there voting for him cuz he’s half black. He ALSO has EVVVIIILLLLL white people genes….they’re just hiding. Oh no!

LumpyLumps says:

Oh, good for you for having the guts to say this! Oprah, Oprah, Oprah… she does need to shut her mouth or she’s going to push too hard and become the next Rosie Odonnell – remember when Rosie was “sweet”. I dont pay attention to Barack or Clinton – just my own personal choice; but it made me sick when Oprah was all over Barack, just made me instantly think of the books that fly off the shelf from one mention on her show… ugh!

Muchos grazias Lumpy! I figure the intarwubz is the best place to be gutsy. I’d probably get a shot or two in the mouth if I went around spouting anti-Oprah shit in public. Well, I do, just not quite so…verbosely. I kind of always thought Rosie was a bit of a cow (in the bitch-face sense, not necessarily the weight sense). I remember she had…um, I’m pretty sure it was Charlton Heston on, and was going at him about the gun thing. Not that I’m all for guns or anything, I just don’t think it’s fair to invite someone on public television to talk about a movie and then plug your personal issues. There are better forums for that. Cow-face Rosie. Ha!

romi41 says:

I laughed, I cried, I said “hell ya”….this was a post of varied emotions! (well I didn’t cry, but I’m usually crying on the inside 24/7, so I thought I’d throw it in”…)

You know, I wonder…I wonder how Oprah sleeps at night these days. I mean the fact that she literally makes women scream and faint in her audience when she’s showing them some gawdy purse that she’ll be giving away to the audience, well…that tells you something about how much power she wields in America…and to that, I can only quote Spider-Man:

“With great power comes great responsibilty” (yeah, that’s right, I just quoted an “epic” Spider-Man flick starring the pseudo-man-child Tobey Macguire).

Now I admit, Oprah helps people; she’s been a great example of philanthropy in her lifetime, and we could really use more people like her in that “making the world a bit better kind of sense”….so yeah, acknowledged.

BUT….in the political arena, Oprah is being irresponsible, in the sense that…she doesn’t belong anywhere near the political arena (unless she’s a candidate herself). So really, it’s an obscene use of power, and she needs to shut the fuck up (as does De Niro, and as does Clooney, and as does any other too-cool-for-school celebrity who feels the need to tell “Entertainment Tonight” what candidate they’re backing…just tell America to VOTE and leave it at that!!! Pleeeeeasssse…….)

Josh says:

Alright, I’m back. First of all, forget Maryblu. She’s clearly a dumb ass. The personal issues you need to take care of don’t have anything to do with Oprah or politics. (just kidding, I heart you) Still though, who the hell would pick a username like Maryblu? You might as well just call your self MarySucksCock. On to other topics.

People who vote for a politician because a celebrity backs them up are dead to me. I’m slightly more invested than you are in this because it’s going to be my next president, but I still can’t vote. My government took away my right to vote because I’m a sickening fucking menace to society. I’m pretty pissed about the fact that I don’t get to vote because I break the law (founding god damned fathers anyone?) and yet brain dead cunt rags who vote based on Oprah’s opinion get to march on into the booth and let their shit for brains decision be counted. Fuck that shit.

Honestly though, I don’t really care who gets elected. I don’t care because I don’t follow the laws. I do whatever I want whenever I want, so whether a left wing ass hole or a right wing ass hole is sitting in Washington jacking up taxes and systematically taking away our constitutional rights doesn’t really matter to me. Either way, they’re trying to build a prison for you and me to live in. (yes, I just used song lyrics to make a point. Want to fight about it?)

I tend to vote republican on most issues. This does not make me a republican, it just means I disagree with more left wing bull shit than right wing bull shit. But lately I’ve become so disillusioned with both parties that I’m about sick of the whole bunch. Sometimes I wish there was a “nobody” option. I wish I could vote for no one. I want all the candidates to lose. I want a tribal council consisting of a janitor, mechanic, hippie drug dealer, logger, fisherman, farmer, and seven stoner college kids. And all I want them to do is go through the law books every day for four years finding stupid shit and getting rid of it. No more new laws.

No tax increases, in fact, get rid of the IRS completely. We’ll just have a flat sales tax that everyone pays equally all the time. No lending or borrowing money. None of that shit, just undoing what the last two hundred and whatever years of dip shit bureaucrats have conjured up to screw over the common man. No more welfare, earn your own money fuckers. Affordable health care, as in, you can’t sue your doctor for a million dollars anymore. Then good honest doctors could charge low fees to help people instead of charging ridiculous fees to cover their own asses. In fact, you can’t sue anyone anymore. And fighting is legal. Weed is legal. Drinking in public is encouraged. Less cops. Less traffic stops, in fact, no speed limit ever. I don’t care if the world becomes a much more dangerous and scary. I want real freedom to have fun and do what I want. I want to live in the wild fucking west. I want to carry a gun around to protect myself and be allowed to kill a mother fucker if they fuck with me. I want violence. I want mayhem. I DO NOT WANT ANOTHER FUCKING POLITICIAN IN OFFICE EVER AGAIN!!!!!

I realize this opinion will piss people off. “But Josh, what about the safety of my kids?” Fuck your kids. Get a fucking gun and keep their troublesome asses at home like you should anyway. “But Joooosh, (whiny style) won’t more people die if they can drink and drive fast and carry guns?” Yes. Yes they will, and life will be dangerous as shit. In my new world order lots of people will die. Life’s a fucking bitch, get over it, and stop whining or I’ll shoot you with my big ass gun.

“Buuuut Jooooshhhhh, what about all the good laws we have? The ones that protect us?” Alright, you may have a point. To ensure that no good laws are nullified I will personally appoint Lewis Black as the Senior Law Abbolition Veto Delegate. (that’s right, I’m appointing someone with vastly different views than myself, are you happy?) And Mr. Black will be given ten vetos which he can use at any time during the four years we are getting rid of laws. I seriously doubt there are more than ten actually necessary laws anywhere in all the laws books.

Also, when we’re done getting rid of laws, each state will have autonomy. That way every little political niche can have it’s own state to live in.

And Emerald, Brittney Spears is awesome. She’s the most entertaining thing to hit celebrity-world since Jesus. I may tell you all about my love for her and my dream to one day sex her up in the no no hole at a later date. This is a political forum and should be treated with respect.

Josh says:

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Since apparently we’re the new Roman empire, which rocks, I am super excited about the orgies, vomitarium, and especially the bloody decline. Fuck civilization, bring on the sexy, barfy, bloody decline. I invite everyone who reads this blog down to North Carolina for the orgy part. You can bleed and throw up on your own time.

Steve says:

I didn’t read the whole thing yet but I want to chime in on the American Idol compairison. (spelling?)

People can vote more than once for that lame ass shows and they have auto refreshers on the internet that vote for you. Electing the president you get 1 vote. And you have to be at least 18 unlike the voting for American Idol which thrives off of underaged retards.

@ Steve: yeah, but there’s still a point there. the voting turnout was pretty pathetic. you’d think more people would care about who ran their country, right?

@ Josh: well, I’m not going to say I agree with most of what you said, but I do give you kudos for the Lewis Black bit. I fucking heart him. I love his starbucks rant. Oh and the orgy bit. And while I’m not about ‘guns for everyone!’ I’m kind of pissed that they shut down my gun club. That’s where I used to get my anger out so I didn’t commit random acts of shoving on the streets. I’m more dangerous now, way to go government!!!

@ Romi: I love that you quoted Spider man! And that you essentially agree with me on everything. That’s the way to my heart! (Not really…boys who agree with me just for the sake of agreeing with me get pushed into gutters and such.)

joebecca says:

Actually darlin, i think when immigrants come over to the country now they have to pledge allegiance, not to the flag, but to Oprah…or maybe it’s Tom Cruise…

all the brainwashing celebrities have me confused. Pass the doobie!

Totally! Soon the planet will be run by celebrities, and the senate will be comprised of all the doctors who keep them beautiful. Brrrrrrrrr.

Josh says:

It’s ok Em. You don’t have to agree with a single word I say, ever. I will still spare your life in my New World Order. But only cause you’re hot. Of course, you’ll have to wear one of those metal bikinis from Star Wars, but that’s a small price to pay for survival right? 😉 And you will probably be forced to rub my back after I get home from a long day of slaughtering people, but again, well worth the living. And you’ll have to make me broccoli cheese soup sometimes, and cookies too. And if it’s really as tasty as you say, I’ll let you have Toronto or Vermont or some such yankee town. Then you can make whatever rules you wish. I’ll even ask my army of robotic flying monkey enforcers to stay clear of your skies so as not to blot out the sun. but only cause you’re hot. I don’t want to hear any sass. ruling the world with an iron fist will not be easy.

Actually it will, since I won’t be doing much actual ruling. I’ll have the council to get rid of laws, so most of my time will be freed up to run around pushing really fat people down stairs and punching children in the throat. Hey, you can join me doing that if you want. We can wear cool costumes and shit. I want to be the Punisher. He’s bad ass.

You’ve melted my heart with the pushing of the fat people! It’s a deal! I get Toronto and a cat woman costume! Metal bikini for post-dinner only. Sweeeeeeeeeet, the fat people will fear my wrath. Mahahahahahahaha!!!!

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