Christmastime in the Emerald City











{January 23, 2008}   More Pictures Just Because I’m Bored

Okay, I’m really not in the mood to write much today. My last post was about how Murphy’s Law is kicking my ass. It’s still kicking my ass. The subway was a 45 minute delay nightmare this morning, Starbucks ran out of apple juice for my daily caramel apple spice (since I’ve given up on their shit-ass latte making capabilities), and one of our clients has a job posting in the paper, which means I’m getting a ton of garbled calls asking if I speak Chinese. (Shouldn’t they know that Chinese is a nationality, not a language? The language is either Cantonese or Mandarin. Why do I know this and they don’t?) Also, I’m generally hitting that Intimacy-vs-Isolation crisis if you want to be really clinical about it. What’s the point of dating? – either one of us will dump the other and I’ll be pissed, or we’ll fall in love, get married and be fucking boring. Ugh. Piaget’s theory, I believe, not that I remember much of Psych anyways.

But right, remember that I’m supposed to be kicking these funky moods in the ass? And that generally speaking I’m a sexy-ass narccisstic rockstar? Right, okay, let’s get on that bandwagon. Also, work is really slow and boring today, so I feel like posting a bunch of pictures for shits and giggles. In this post you will be treated to the glorious glimpses of:  my awesome purple hair (fuck you corporate mentality, I can swing the purple…even if it fades to red pretty quickly), my awesome cooking skillz, and Super Mom Crafty Friend! Super Mom Crafty Friend is also my sister-from-another-mister because holy cow do we ever look alike sometimes.

Anyways, random ahoy, here we go!

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It’s purple, okay? Don’t try to tell me it’s red or brownish or whatever. The box says “Deep Purple” so it’s purple. It’s pretty and pop-culture-reference sassy. I’m at a photo shoot here, one of the models snapped a pic of me in motion.

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So this is kind of an oddity. I’ve got some scarring going on here. One scar looks boring but has an interesting story: It’s a six inch scar running vertically through my belly-mah-button. Story? Dropped into convulsions when I was 18 months old. Turns out I’d been stricken with Meckles Direticulum, which is a big fancy way of saying “my intestines told the rest of my body to fuck off, they were too busy trying to kill me.” Obviously, I won. Anyways, the scar on the left is the result of lying in a chair for an hour being cut with a scalpel. Obviously by someone who knows what he’s doing. It’s an azalea, and it’s unfortunately faded quite a bit (damn healing abilities!) I’d get it re-done and maybe get a matching scar on the other side, but 1) it’s expensive and 2) it fucking hurts.

Now before you start going on about me being a wuss and “oh, just suck it up and deal with the pain if you really want it to look good”, here is how you get a flower-shaped scar in the first place:

1) Pay out the ass for the best piercing artist in the city.

2) Lay on a table and let him slice your skin with a scalpel for about an hour or so – extra points when the other artists wander in saying “Is she okay? Wow, she’s not even screaming or nothing.”

3) Realize that Benzocaine does fuck all.

4) When done, rub scented vasoline into wounds and cover with saran-wrap. Keep this on for several weeks. Basically, the point is to get as infected as possible for as much scarring as possible without going into horrible toxicity-induced shock. Natch.

5) When in shower, rub wounds with facecloth and whatever irritants are handy – cinnamon toothpaste works nicely. You will bleed and you will LOVE IT, and take pride when coworkers literally throw up upon seeing your saran wrapped bloody crater of an open wound.

6) After shower, for extra colouring, soak paper towel in balsamic vinegar. Press into wound as hard as you can for as long as you can. Pass out from pain. Wake up. Repeat.

7) After a few weeks, start dousing the entire area with rubbing alcohol to dry it up and start the scabbing process (mmmm!) Once wounds have scabbed over, pick to your heart’s content!

8.) Several years later, you will be rewarded with your own personal colouring book for your pseudo niece to colour in with scrapbooking pens.

So if any of you are up to the challenge, be my guest (Josh, they’ve got some pretty manly scarring patterns out there…my ex has a scorpion on one arm and a flaming skull on the other. And it makes you instantly uber hardcore!)

I’ve got better pics of this when it was fresh, but they’re on a cd somewhere at home…I’ll have to take a look. Moving on!

Mah sister! From anothah mister! Mrs. Super Mom Crafty Friend!

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Me on the left, her on the right. (She’s normally more smiley, you’ll see. This is just a horribly late hour after a horrific attempt at getting cabs.)

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In the glow of the knitting lamp! You know what knitting looks like, no pictures of that today. I’m probably pretty stoned here, but I don’t remember. Hah!

And most recently:

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Loving the shirt. Sassy Friend Talea got that for my birthday. It says “I am crushing your head.” And I usually am.

Alright, what else can I rustle up here?…hmmm.

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If you don’t get this….well, I recommend YouTube…but replace ‘Kittehs’ with ‘Girls’ and be VERY, VERY CAREFUL. (If any of my coworkers are reading this, you did NOT get it from me. Seriously.)

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Me at the El Mocambo (if you’ve never seen Stevie Ray Vaughan’s ‘Live at the El Mocambo’ you suck) waiting for my then-boyfriend (with the scarring) to play his set. He was a drummer. I should have known better. Check out my funky ten-guage earrings! Funky without being pop-can sized hideous. Hardcore meets girly. No, my hair is not purple here. This was years ago.

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This is true. Toronto Hydro will go for nearly a year without you paying them before you get one of those scary little orange cards taped to your door. (I pay my bills online, and forgot the change the account number when I moved. I was paying to my old apartment for a good long time before they caught on.)

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I need one of these at work. Seriously.

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I make the best motherfucking broccoli and cheddar soup ever. You will eat it. You will love it. You will worship the ground I walk on.

Ummm…yeah. Well, that’s pretty much it. I’m kind of bored now, I’m gonna go dick around on the internet for a while. It’s not like I’ve got work to do or anything. Seriously, I don’t. I hope you found this enlightening, enjoyable, and whatever the hell else. I feel less pissy, but the phones are still ringing, so who knows, right? I’ll come back in a day or two when I actually have something interesting to write about.

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Josh says:

You’ve mentioned the scar flower before. You are really bad ass. Way more bad ass than me. I don’t think I could do it. I don’t know, maybe. I’ll have to look into it and see what sort of results I could get. Some time you should post an up close photo of it, that way we can all ooh and ah and look at your naked ass hip. Giggity giggity goo! And the purple hair is awesome. Very awesome. Almost as awesome as scarring yourself on purpose.

And crafty friend looks a lot like you. You could be sisters maybe. Super hot ones, like on that show with Amanda Bynes and Jennie Garth. I don’t remember what it’s called, but I know they play super hot sisters.

And I’m with you one hundred percent on the intimacy vs. isolation topic. I’m becoming very disillusioned with the idea of continuing dating. I’m so sick of watching relationships fail miserably. It just wastes my money and gives me gray hair and makes me depressed and emo. Fuck that. Why bother? I don’t really believe love works anyway, so why continue the charade?

Dammit. Now your funky mood has infected me with downer funk.



Josh says:

I’ve got a post I’m working on about two girls one cup as well. Well not exclusively, but nasty interweb shit in general. Would you believe there’s a lot of crap out there that makes 2 girls look like childs play? Trust me, I’ve seen most of it, and made other people watch while I laughed.



Dude, SuperMom showed me that just as an example of the scariness of the internets! Except we had a hard time finding it just because there were SO MANY videos that were actually reaction videos – people filming their unsuspecting friends as they watch it for the first time. I must say it’s rather fulfilling seeing a bunch of buff dudes hurling into dorm room garbage cans. Kind of like watching Maury Povich, it just makes you feel that much better about what you’re doing with your own life 😛

And yes, the scarring is hellof cool. I’m going to hope my cd full of body mod shots isn’t ruined – bunnies like to go into my portfolio-shelf and chew up all my pictures and cds, and I’m too lazy to reorganize them in a safe place.



Red says:

Well aren’t you a cute lil thang .. and I say that in a totally non gay sorta way!
You and the other chick dooo look alike, twins almost.



I know, it’s crazy how much we look alike in photos! And we sound alike too, in our recorded voices. And once we were making lunch and the kids were being pestersome, and we turned around simultaneously and both said “Scram!” Hi-larious.



romi41 says:

So because I’m totally lame and not like “bad-ass” or shit, you got that flower scar, like…on purpose? And like…people get scar-pictures on their bodies in the same way as tattoos, as in like….go somewhere and pay someone to “cut them”??? Am I in any way grasping this correctly??? Seriously I am lame and un-bad ass, and I need the “flower-scar-for-dummies” interpretation.

And holy shit I think you could kick ass for a living, just as a general statement 😉



joebecca says:

guess who’s back baby girl??



talea says:

Make me some broccoli and cheese soup bitch! Natch!
Hahahahaha.
Seriously.



MMMmmmmmmmmmmmmmm, I’m TOTALLY up for some soup! Graryblulughludrooooooolmmmmmmmm.

Reggie so glad you’re back!!!!!!!!

And yes Romi, scalpelling is like tattooing, but the design is made by the healing of your own body as opposed to ink. It’s a lot more painful, but less permanent (in 20 years, I’m pretty sure this baby will be gone) and way more ‘cutting edge’ Nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk nyuk!



Steve says:

Those are some hot scars.

I’m going to go masturbate now. 🙂



joebecca says:

i love the belly scar idea. i have one of my own, i got it from having two children, and one of them making me gain 60 lbs (not recommended for anyone 5’1″ or shorter). I can actually use mine as a roadmap to get me from Micigan to Pennsylvania. Cool!



Sweet scars are hellof cool!



nahole says:

what about fucking sweat scars? You know, like when you fucking sweat so much it eats away at your skin? Not saying you have that but shit, you know there must be some poor motherfucker out there that it happens to.



Ewwwwwwwwww! I think those are called bedsores or something. Grody.



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