Christmastime in the Emerald City

{January 18, 2008}   Ladies Who Lunch, Optimus Domesticus, How to Get Your Ass Kicked by a Toddler, and Other Weirdness

Alright, my last post kind of left the fellers out. This one will actually do some expose type work to let them in on a few things. So here’s a bit of an intro. Myself (Awesome Friend), along with Sassy Friend, Lovely Friend and Crafty Friend all get together on a fairly regular basis to do fun girly things like knitting and needle point and making lunch for each other and entertaining Crafty Friends lovely two children. These are the ones who call me Auntie Em and are actually as close to perfect as two kids can get before it just crosses the line into creepy territory. So if you’ve ever wondered what a gaggle of cheek-pinching Aunties get up to when the boys aren’t around, you’ll see it here.

Before I jump in, one side note: I just want to remind everyone that I am in fact a pot-smoking 23 year old who head bangs to the preview of Rambo everytime it comes on because that song kicks ass (someone please tell me who it is) and not heading down the path of unshaven legs and spandex. And I don’t pinch cheeks. Also, Crafty Friend is probably one of the craziest, most awesome characters ever. She got married/pregnant/domestic around the same time I was still discovering super awesome mascara, and unlike every cliche, is still married/domestic/mommified and a general superwoman. AND she has a bazillion tattoos, including Bif Naked behind her ear. Hard to the core. And she lived in Parkdale, yo! She’ll kick your ass if you cross her! (Her quote: “Parkdale girls will just bite ya!”)

So. Let’s jump into a chronological pictogram of an average ladies-who-lunch day. (By the way, if any of the pics disappear later, it’s because I’ve given Crafty Friend veto power over what pics of her kids go up on the intarwubs because she’s also a hella computer geek and knows all the deep dark secrets of the web.)

Ladies who lunch! So exciting! Good food and wine and chattiness! But Crafty Friend had to run to the store for a minute, it’s just down the street. So me and Linds, another Most Excellent Friend are watching the kids and waiting for the others to arrive. Now the kids actually get along very nicely, share the Halloween candy, etc. However, they are still kids, and the wee one, known affectionately as Woogs, is…well, she’s something else. This girl will ninja kick you until your heart melts into a puddle of goo. Naturally, she got all of my mom-approved gummy life savers.

facebook-pictures-139.jpg  pic-removed.jpg

And what else are you going to do with gummy life savers besides pop them on your fingers and admire them? By the way, that bruise? Nothing to do with Mommy Crafty Friend. Her nickname is Woogs, but her other nickname is Bruiser. She ninja kicks gates down, flips over chairs when pissed, and while uber adorable and sweet….well, she earns her bruises and can dish them out as well. Cute kid, but hard to the core, just like Mommy. Also, she has this thing about wanting one item of food in each hand when eating. So, neurotic, just like Auntie Em. So she gets another life saver, and then crams them both in her mouth.


Yes. Adorable. So Mommy Crafty Friend heads out to the store for about eight minutes or so. And of course, the shit hits the fan as soon as she steps out the door because that’s just the way Murphy’s Law works. Woogs and her brother are playing (no snaps of him on this day, they’re still on my camera…but he has long hair and rocks the transformers, so you know he’s just as cool as the rest of his fam) and to make a long story short, the planets aligned in such a way that she ended up with the corner of a plastic sword right in the corner of her eye.

Oh. My. God! What do I do?!?! I’ve failed as an Auntie!!! There’s blood!!! In her EYE!!! And I’m not a mommy, so I see blood on a kid and freak! But Crafty Mom is also Super Mom and not one of those irritating shriekers that brings her kid to the emergency room for a splinter. She knows when freaking right the fuck out is or isn’t necessary. And as luck would have it, she walks in right then, sees my look of panic, laughs and says “Alright, hand her over…let’s see….you’re fine….lemme see…closer….yeah, she’ll be fine, no emergency room. You’ll have a bruise, but what else is new?” Wipe the tears, and she’s better already. Three minues later? Pushing her brother away from the computer for Gwen Stefani YouTube rights, and wriggling out of her clothes because she dislikes fabric. Black eye? Pfffffft. Tough chick.

Anyways, at this point she’s looking a little wonky, but not really because of the eye thing. It’s more because it’s well past naptime, she’s teetering around on the brink of sleep with her blankie, but refuses to leave because all the Auntie’s are over and holy shit, there is PIE on the table. There she is, on the right, demanding her GODDAMNED PIE!!!

And holy pie it was, batman! Mommy Crafty Friend is an uber domestic goddess with her cupcakes and the knitting and all kinds of fun jazz! Look!


Do you see that?! There’s frikkin’ angels and teddy bears all over the pie! Homemade EVERYTHING. Damned lucky kids, I’ll tell you what. My childhood? Pffft, I was lucky if I got to slice the pillsbury roll of premade cookies, the ones that even have premade knife marks so you don’t make them uneven. You know how good this pie was? It was this good:


I lub you Sassy Friend Talea! (Don’t worry, there’s a picture of me licking a plate coming up at a later date. It was pumpkin pie that time, also homemade down to the handwhipped cream. Left the camera in between the couch cushions though…)

By this time, Woogs has toddled off and crashed on the couch with her blanket. And that’s when Lovely Friend breaks out her terrible Christmas gift from her crazy mother who clearly doesn’t love her very much. Seriously. Lovely Friend is fashionable and well-put together. Lovely Friend is not the type to wear, say, a shin-length cotton-type Laura Ashley dress that resembles the grandma-plates seen above. But that’s what her mother gave her. And so we busted it out and all had a turn.

Now, the domestic thing has kind of become an inside joke. And with her awesome Transformer genius of a son, Crafty Friend has started up a new theme that I like to call Optimus Domesticus. That’s right. She puts on the Optimus Prime mask and does domestic things with her kids. I know, rockin’ mom, right? Well, all us Auntie’s have to get in on it too. So we all take turns donning the hideous housewife-from-hell dress, putting on the mask, and having our pictures taken doing deliciously domestic things.


Auntie Linds zesting some lemon…


Auntie Talea enjoying some wine…


Auntie Cait (Lovely Friend) swiffering the floor in the HIDEOUS DRESS and saying “My mother doesn’t love me”:


Auntie Em enjoying a spot of lunch and realizing that my face does not match the Optimus Prime proportions and later commenting ‘My eyes!!! My eyes!!!’:


(I also look like I’m about to clock someone in the face. Those are some skin-splitting knuckles dudes, I’ve been cracking them since I was five. And no, they don’t always look so manly….)

Then it’s Auntie T’s turn to don the hideous dress and put the pie back in the fridge:



And then, oh yes, I put on that dress. And I loved it! It was so hideous it was fantastic!!! And apparently, I rock it quite well.


And yes, that is Auntie Cait Lovely Friend smacking my ass. That’s about as close to girl-on-girl action as is going to happen around here. But look how lovely she looks! Trendy! The shoes! The vest! The skirt! Look at that dress, what was her mother thinking?!?! Well anyways, off I go to continue rocking the dress.

Optimus Domesticus cleans the toilet:


Optimus Domesticus makes like a pregnant smoking chick in a bad outfit (possibly a jab at my former highschoolers but by this time, I was drunk on hilarity and really don’t remember):


In the wood panelled basement no less!

Optimus Domesticus takes off her mask and does her best Jim Morrison pose:


Me and Jim are tight. Too bad I straightened my hair two days before, because I can rock the curls. Also, much like Jim, I look better without a beard.

Anyways, yeah….that’s pretty much it. Wacky ladies! More pictures soon!

P.S. I know there is no pic of Crafty Friend Super Mom here. That’s because the only pic was actually a video of her wearing a different Optimus Prime mask that actually has voicechanging qualities!!!  Very exciting. But it didn’t make it off my camera. I will rectify at some point. However, the important thing here is that there are lots of pictures of me.


Okay, there *were* pics of Woogs with her adorable little “I’m a tough motherfucking two year old” puffy eye. However, mom requested they be removed. Not because she’s all “people will think I beat my kids!!!”, she says the pics are fine considering the explanation that she 1) does not beat her kids and 2) is quite possibly the best mommy i’ve seen out there. However (and you can thank the nerdskillz) the Google Spiders only take a week to pilfer images and then they can be seen without the story! GOOGLE SPIDERS?!?!??! SPIDERS IN THE FREAKING INTERNET?!??!? This freaks me out!!! This is like awesome mom and her somewhat unrealistic fear of zombies….

queenbitch says:

i think the song could be bodies – drowning pool.. i think. if im wrong well then im sorry..

very cool story i loved the pics. you rocked that dress!!

Red says:

aaahahahaa! Loved seeing yous guys in action!
Yall seem like a blast to hang with.

That mask is creepy.

That mask is AWESOME!

romi41 says:

Hahaha…kids that can ninja-kick ANYTHING are the best?! Seriously, if my kids don’t become skilled ninjas by age five, I’m sending ’em out into the streets…

And umm…I have never donned and Optimus Prime mask while cleaning the toilet, but it sure looks like it would make things a lot more fun 🙂

PS: I’m sure you can rock the curls, but you are radiating some serious hotness with the straightened look right it 🙂

Seriously, we’ll be sitting around knitting while Woogs is upstairs sleeping, and then all of a sudden WHAM!!!!! And Mommy Crafty Friend will just roll her eyes “Ugh! There she is again, ninja kicking the gate down! That thing lasted her brother for YEARS. And then she comes along and WHAM, ninja kicks it right down.” She’s also incredibly narccisstic – if you take her picture and don’t immediately show it to her, she does that shrieking thing. Consequently, there’s a few hilarious shots of her reaching towards the camera going “NNNNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” (toddler for “GIMME!!!” I think)

Josh says:

The song is Bodies by Drowning Pool. They were pretty bad ass, but the lead singer died. I have no idea what they sound like now, I think they are still around. I listen to that song almost every day at work whenever we are tearing shit apart. It kicks ass.

Sometimes I think it would be fun being a woman. In some ways. Not many. But guys would never hang out like that. Mostly when we hang out we drink beer and grill stuff. And sometimes we destroy things, or build things to destroy.

And might I say, you certainly know how to make a grandma dress look appealing. I think Jim Morrison was checking you out from the corner of his eye.

I kick that grandma dress’s ass! It is fun being a chick, though of course there are some downsides too. “No I’m not on my fucking period you assmuncher, I’m just fucking pissed off at you!!!!” is a common phrase. I’m totally down with the beer drinking, moreso than wine even, really. Wine can kick my ass after two glasses. The coronas I can chug back all night. With the nachos….always with the nachos. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

Josh says:

I don’t like wine. Except scuppernong wine, which is made with local grapes here, and they are the best grapes in the whole fucking world. Period. Nachos sound good. I think I will make some now. Nacho lunch ala Emerald. Word to your mother.

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