Christmastime in the Emerald City

{January 15, 2008}   How To Take A Leak: A Brief Lesson for the Ladies

Alright. We’ve all had to use public washrooms on occasion. And we all know the joy of opening a stall to discover a piss fest of sprinklage all over the seat, mangled bits of toilet paper smattered here and there in some vain attempt at sterility, and some over-powdered joke of a character making that stupid face in the mirror while putting on mascara. And we all hate it.

Men, I know I’m kind of leaving you out on this one. I can’t honestly say that I’ve seen much of the inside of a men’s room other than that one time at the hockey rink when my brain just stopped working. But even then, it was empty and I only saw the sinks. However, I do believe it’s a known fact, stated somewhere at some point, that women’s washrooms are actually far more disgusting than men’s.

This may have something to do with the fact that we have to sit, but probably has more to do with the fact that we’ve been brainwashed into thinking we have to be neatly dressed, flippy haired, sweater set wearing icons of cleanliness, cutely wrinkling our noses at the idea of taking a leak while we scooch our dainty panties around our ankles to take a teeny weeny piddle.

Fuck that.

Oh my god, the germs! The germs you’ll get by actually SITTING ON THE TOILET SEAT. You’ll catch herpes, you’ll catch the plague, you’ll immediately drop dead and the television world will know that you dirtified yourself in the little girls room. (For that matter, why is it even called the little girl’s room. Really, are there that many of them in there? Are we trying to perpetuate pedophelia in our public washrooms?)

Here, do yourselves a favour. Go take a look at your ass in the mirror. Ignore the dimples and touch of cellulite, maybe a worrisome mole or two. Just take a look at it. Ever notice that you can’t really see the business aspect of everything you got going down there at first glance? Hmmm? Nope, just skin, unoffensive and Anne Geddes approved once upon a time. Really, it’s no different than the skin on your hands. Except for the fact that it remains neatly covered by presumably clean fabric for most of the day, unlike your far-more-germy-yet-still-not-lethal hands.

Now consider this: place your hands on something plastic, say a binder or clipboard or plastic water jug. Does the idea of picking up a binder after someone else has handed it over disgust you? Are you immediately going to rub your skin raw with sanitizer? If you are, you’re a basket case and responsible for the weakening of immune systems and general public sanity. Get out. For the rest of you, I would think the answer is no. So why is it so different in the ladies room? Really, the last time I checked, it wasn’t the norm to go rubbing your butthole all over the seat and handle, or doing weird vag things that should never be mentioned in a public forum. You are not going to die by sitting on the seat.

But no, we’ve been brainwashed to think that any public washroom is a filthy mire of running sores and that to touch anything will give you cooties. And okay, sure, there are a few public washrooms that are going to be a bit questionable. Stalls in any subway station or bowling alley comes to mind. But really, you wouldn’t want to even wash your hands in those places, so it doesn’t really apply here.

I’m talking about MY public washroom, the one I can see from my desk if I crane my neck a bit. In a nice office building, cleaned several times a day. This thing is a sanitation heaven. The toilets flush automatically, the taps turn on automatically, the soap dispensers squirt automatically, even that little bin for your girly bits opens on its own if you place your hand an inch above the lid and wait for approximately twenty minutes with your knickers blowing in the breeze between your ankles (said breeze likely coming from the hand dryer twenty feet away, capable of ripping your nails off).

Are you so in favour of one part of your skin over the other that you’re afraid to sit on plastic? Really? Okay, okay, fine. I know some people are ooked by it, and that I’m never going to change their minds. Fine. Put down some toilet paper and be the stereotypical chick who takes forever and a half in the can doing God knows what. (Boys, that’s what they’re doing in there.) But for Christ’s sake, don’t try to do that ridiculous squat business. Your legs haven’t been strong enough to hold that pose since you were eight and a half, and you know it. You whores are pissing all over the seats!!! And then I have to look at it!!!

I can hear you already. “But, but what if they wipe it up afterwards, and then you end up sitting on someone’s pee remains?” One: if nobody did that shit move, nobody would have that problem. Two: yes, if I accidentally sit on a drop of someone’s piss when I thought there was none there, I’m going to be pissed. Pissed enough to say, rant and blog about it. However, urine is sterile, is it not? So is it gross? Absolutely. Herpes riddled? No. So if someone pisses on the seat and then cleans it, hey, good for you for cleaning up after your own retardation. I’m plunking my ass down and taking a goddamned piss in comfort.

And for those who do the slightly less retarded routine with the toilet paper: same deal as with the piss on the seat. You want to be a jackass, fine. Just fucking clean up after yourself so I don’t have to look at it or worry about dragging a half-wet trail of grossness from my left heel, okay? Can we please give others the small courtesy of keeping your weird ass phobias to yourself?

People who worry about getting germs in the ladies room are selfish cows. They are selfish because they are willing to dirty the hell ass out of a perfectly decent room to feed their own insecurities and apparent belief that their piss is holier than mine. These people are also nutjobs, because a willingness to piss all over a seat and probably yourself due to your fear of plastic is not far off from locking yourself in your house in fear of all the murders that happen on a daily basis. Seriously? You’re going to shelter yourself that much due to the sliver of a chance that something bad is going to happen to you? Get a life.

So. In conclusion, ladies: stop pissing on my motherfucking toilet seat, you inconsiderate slutbags. People like you bring out a strong urge in me to walk up and piss on your leg. I mean, I might as well return the favour to you and you alone without having to involve innocent by-pissers, right?

Also, the one urinal buffer zone in the men’s room applies in the ladies as well. I don’t want to hear your girly tinkle or deal with the hell-ass smelly crap you seem to consider an appropriate side dish. One stall buffer ladies, get on the bandwagon.

If we all follow these rules, taking a leak will be a much more pleasant experience for us all. No longer will we live in fear of germs and thusly blow a decent lunch’s worth of money on a jug of pomegranate scented hand sanitizer. We WILL take back our designated feminine area and not have to curse those who came before us. One day, maybe in the future, we can truly claim our equality to men when we become comfortable enough to unabashedly bring the paper in with us.

Or a Cosmo. You know…whatever.


talea says:

Amen! I ALWAYS sit down. Trying to hold myself in a psuedo-squat whilst trying to get the pee into the bowl in a lame and ridiculous attempt to stop bum germs from touching me? Fuck that. Sit down and pee dammit!
I hate hate hate it when I walk in and see ‘spots’ on the seat. You fucking cow!! I wish I could push them over while they stand there, quad muscles quivering from effort and watch their fat ass hit the seat with a satisfied ‘plunk’.
It’s all a pet peeve of mine, categorized under the umbrella of ‘germophobes: fucking morons who are terrified of anything not sterilized and then immediately disposable.’ You know who I’m talking about 😉

Josh says:

I do like being a man. Not only can I say from first hand experience cleaning public restrooms that women are way filthier than men, being a construction guy, I’ve seen my fair share of unspeakable porta johns, and let me tell you, when your choice is between popping a squat, shitting your pants, and possibly catchig AIDS by sitting down, I have had to break down and squat twice in my life. But that’s a lot different from what you are describing. I prefer to pee outside if I have the option. Especially off of buildings. Crapping is best done at home, and like a real man, I can usually hold it all day. When I can’t I sit down and chance it. I’ll probably die of liver failure or lung cancer before the germs kill me.

By the way, since we’re on the topic of female restroom etiquette, can you tell me why women go to the bathroom together? Seriously, what the fuck? Is it against chick law to tell a guy why you do that or what’s the deal? Guys usually try and leave good chunks of time between their visits. We don’t even want to breathe the same air the last guy did, so forget syncing our visits to talk about our dates, or do make up, or have wild juicy lesbian sex. That’s what I like to imagine you do together.

Ha! I don’t make a point of going to the bathroom with another girl. Yesterday I walked out of the can and Talea was there – we did one of those “oh. it’s you. well…carry on.” I think it’s just a time saving thing? You know, “Oh, you’re going to the ladies room? Well, I might as well go too.” But the talking thing I don’t get. Talea’s with me on this one. Don’t talk to me while I’m taking a piss, goddammit! I don’t put my makeup on in the bathroom. I put it on at my desk.

romi41 says:

Hahaha…I actually purposefully try to go to the bathroom ALONE, because I’m a nervous pee-er who has trouble peeing in the presence of others (I need a 10-stall buffer, LOL)…and what is this “squat-business”! I have seriously never heard of chicks squatting, but now that explains all the residue left-over after…what a bunch of selfish digusting bitches with their left-over pee spray on the seat!

Now I WILL admit that I do the toilet paper thing, ’cause bitches at my work be making all kinds of disgusting messes in the bathroom! (but I never leave it there after, that is terrible)

PS: have you ever come across, unflushed toilets, which seem to be unflushed for no apparent reason? (this is especially worse when I see a #2 in there…)…I’d just like to know, what do these bitches do at home? Drop a load and run away? Do they live an anti-flush lifestyle? I canNOT wrap my head around that one…

talea says:

I dont understand girls who go to the bathroom in groups either, Josh. I think those girls usually also have ‘blonde’ hair and pink frosted lip gloss. I have neither of those. I also have a brain and an ability to pee on my own. I really don’t enjoy others listening to me complete my bodily functions.
I think these girly girls pee en masse so they can giggle and discuss how their lame ass dates are going. I don’t know. I don’t understand most girls. They’re dumb.

@ Romi: You’ve never heard of the squat business? Wow. I thought that was like common practice or something, retarded as it is. And yes, I have come across completely unflushed toilets. Why?! Why do you do that?!? I refuse to believe that anyone thinks it’s okay to just leave their crap in a bowl for the next visitor. Because then I’d have to give up all hope for humanity, and that would send me into depression. My theory is that people are so used to automatic flushing that they just assume it’s being taken care of. So they walk away, and have their heads too far up their own self-absorbed asses to think “hmm, did that flush?” Just another argument for how selfish these cows are.

@ Talea: yeah, it’s always the frosted lips. I’ve never understood that. Is that supposed to be attractive? Alluring? I mean, if I was a guy, I wouldn’t want to put my wang anywhere near something that sticky looking. Could be dangerous.

nahole says:

Shit Greenie, reading all this shit about fucking chicks panties around their legs and piss everywhere has got me ALL fucking riled up. But you want to know the truth? Us guys keep an eye on the chick’s room door and as soon as the coast is clear one of us runs in and fucking pisses everywhere.

I had a girl friend in high school (yikes that was forever ago) that wouldn’t go without someone else…I always refused. I told her if she had to go bad enough she could do it on her own.
As for the non-flushers…are they scared of monsters in the lines? I had a terrible fear of gremlins and the toilets at like age 5 but I grew out of it.
Great post! 8)

@ nahole: alright, smartass, you wanna explain how one of you left a Tampax wrapper on the paper dispenser and a slight spray of bloody innards on the inside of the bowl? Hmmm? Grossed out? You asked for it 😉

@ cowgal: you should have smacked your friend for being such a retard. high school?!?! for serious?!?! and i guess i can see the whole monster thing. just not in high school.

Red says:

After reading this, Im hoping you didnt read my poo post. Cuz I’d say I wasn’t a squatter, but that’d be lying.
I dont squat to piss.
Im leaving now.

Ha! I totally read that post, and it was probably just as you were reading mine, cause your comment wasn’t here last I checked. That means we’re both slacking off at the same time! Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.

nahole says:

Not grossed out Greenie, try again.

Sorry, Red wins the gross-out crown. I officially handed that over yesterday a la Nikki Sixx handing over his bad-ass crown after Ozzy Osbourne beat him to a lick-your-own-piss-off-the-ground contest. I highly recommend her poo post. Am I the only one who doesn’t have any poo related stories?

David says:

Sorry it took me so long to catch up with your blog greenie. This was an important post. I am a MAN who usually sits down to pee. Yeah really. NO I am not gay. I can be comfortable and silent and not splash a drop of my urine anywhere it will bother anyone using the toilet after me. As far as germs go, I don’t think their avoidable. Try not to get them on you, but realize that you’re just as filthy dirty germy and crap-covered as the next person. Keep your immune system tuned up! It’s your only defense.

Another one for the anti-lysol campaign!!!! MAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

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