Christmastime in the Emerald City

{January 4, 2008}   Mangled, Mangled, Mangled.

As I’ve mentioned several times, I’m sure, I have a lot of critters. Five bunnies, two cats, one me. I’m constantly sweeping up pellets, scooping shit, yelling at the cats to get out of the bunny cages, yelling at the bunnies to get out of the cat food, emptying dishes, running out of food, pellets, hay, pine shavings, litter, incense, febreeze, sanity. It’s a lot of work, but I love them love them love them.

One day I will, despite my initial refusal to do anything remotely fuzzy or cheery on here, post pics of all my critters with brief amusing bios and whatnot. In the meantime, a synopsis.

I have a bit of an addiction to rabbits. I started with one, got him a friend and they don’t like each other. They stay seperate. My mom had this fantastic idea last spring that I should take my little brother into the pet store to buy sand for his hermit crab. They had rabbits on sale. I tried to tell her, but no. So out I walked with sand…and another rabbit. She’s female, and my first bunny fell instantly in love with her.

I don’t keep my rabbits in tiny cages and let them out for an hour a day like the pet store led me to believe. They need much more time out and need a lot of room when in. They are HYPER. So they live in rather large dog cages where they have tons of room. They’re even (mostly) litter trained.

The instantly in-love bunnies shared a cage with a divider to keep them seperate, unfixed as they were. This divider didn’t work. Riiiiiiiiiiight, rabbits, they can defy gravity and shit. So, naturally, two months later, six baby rabbits show up one morning. Gah!!! The only problem is that most of them were very small (the mom was still practically a baby), and as expected, four of them died within a few days. Also, surprise! most vets don’t know what to do with rabbits, so the emergency vet clinic couldn’t help me. So I spent the next six weeks hemming and hawing over the two remaining babies, obsessing over their weight and development.

Story, although I realize nobody cares; Most people have cats or dogs – who are natural predators. Rabbits are at the bottom of the food chain, so when they have babies, they behave differently. They actually stay away from their young so as not to get their adult smell all over them. This prevents predators from smelling the wee ones. Babies only get fed about once a day, usually in the middle of the night. This makes it very difficult to tell if your house-bunny has fed her young ‘uns unless you stay up all night or make yourself an instant expert on rabbit behaviour.

Anyways, blah blah blah. After all the work and fear and stress it took to keep the two little ones alive, I was not about to give them up. Hence, I now have five rabbits. One of the babies is named Brutus, as he was the biggest of the litter. The other was named Fortune, as he was smaller and therefore fortunate to be alive.

This was five months ago, and the babies are just about all grown up. Brutus has turned out to be a bit whipped by his smaller brother, which is hilarious. In fact, they cannot be allowed out together. In fact, Fortune is not allowed out with any of the rabbits, and the cats learned VERY quickly to stay away.

You know how normally, if you frighten a bunny, it runs away? Yeah…Fortune doesn’t do that. So he probably would be fucked if he were out in the wilds, but inside…the fucker rules the house. Any moving object is a target for his teeny weeny two pounder razor sharp mandibles. I know this because my hand is the most common moving object, especially while feeding him. He doesn’t like rabbit pellets, it seems. He likes human flesh.

And this is how this wee rabbit came to be renamed HANNIBAL:

One removed knuckle: check


One painful probably-should-have-gotten-stitches fleshy-crevice: check


One fucked up hand from feeding: check


One leg, bitten through jeans: check


One bruised up ankle: check


ANOTHER removed knuckle that DEFINITELY could have used stitches: check


One nipped finger tip: check


Yeah. Murderous….little…bastard. And you’d think I’d have learned my lesson by now, wouldn’t you? But no. Because I still have to feed the bastard every day, and because he’s a rabbit. That means that he’s adorable. That means that every now and then he’ll sit nice and quietly and look up with his big wet eyes, and fool me into thinking I can pet him. This explains the missing knuckle skin.

To explain in more simple terms, my rabbit is a well-disguised murderer. But sometimes, every now and then, I catch him in his true form. The equation works something like this:

Reknowned flesh-eating (but still very respectable) monster



Super adorable small fuzzy animal





Look at the crazed whites of his eyes!!! It’s a perfect combination!!! He LOOKS like a psychopath, my GOD!!!!

Evil comes in very small packages. Watch your fingers, and I will keep you up to date on my own injuries.


nahole says:

You know, there are literally hundreds of fucking recipes that would solve your problem.

greenmetropolis says:

Veg. E. Tarian. Cooking him up or doing anything but winning the battle is for fucking losers! This rabbit will LOVE ME!!! I consider it a challenge.

nahole says:

I know, I know, I was only fucking kidding. I will say that I once served rabbit to friends around easter. They were kind of pissed; but fuck them, what a bunch of fucking pussies.

David says:

I’m glad that Mr. Hole beat me to that suggestion. We raised rabbits for meat and fur when our kids were young. We had lots of bunnies that looked kinda like the one in your last picture. We finally got tired of the caged life and the rabbit meat, and it got harder to kill the cute little fluffballs. We moved on to sheep and lambs. We were vegetarians once too, and I still feel that it’s the best way on SO many levels.

However, what I really want to comment on are two things. Amusing as your Hannibal analogy is, it breaks down unless you too are a rodent. Bunnies are pretty hard to tame.

The other thing, and I mean this to be a helpful suggestion, is that you need to figure out how to shrink down the pictures that you post on your blog. They seem to be around the 1-2 megabyte file size that comes right out of the camera. You’ll use up the space that WordPress allows you for free really fast if you keep using those large image files, and it takes longer for them to load when people are viewing your blog. You just need to use some image editing program to shrink your photos down to web size (like 50K or less). If you have Microsoft Office on your computer, there’s a Picture Manager program that makes this fairly easy, but there are many others too.

BTW, where is the Emerald City??

David says:

And oh yeah, I see you have the Dresden Dolls diary in your blogroll? Are you an Amanda fan?

I’m not a pussy, nahole, as you know 😉 I would have kicked the shit out of you.

David, I am SO AN AMANDA FAN!!! Oh. My. God. A friend of mine called me up a few summers ago and said ‘Hey, I’ve got tickets for this show, the Dresden Dolls. Wanna go?’ and I said “Eh, why not?” AWESOME. AWESOME. They opened with a cover of ‘Science Fiction Double Feature’ and closed with a cover of Neutral Milk Hotel’s “Two Headed Boy.” Also, their opening act, Devotchka, awesome as well.

Yeah, the pics are a pain in the ass, figuring that out. I don’t have internets at home, so figuring out on what I’ve got here at work is a righteous pain.

The Emerald City is on my back, if you scroll down far enough there are pictures (or at least half a picture)…

Red says:

Dude! So do they fuck like bunnies?
Watching dogs mate is funny .. what about bunnies?

romi41 says:

Oh my god, those blue eyes SCREAM out “I’m comin’ to get ya!”…shudder, damn them for being so adorable though…

PS: I have a cat who hates all other animals…so like, when your rabbits are out of the cage and stuff, do they interact with the cats? Like are they friends in the Fables of the Green Forest kind of way?

You know, he is potentially (spelling?) four lucky charms….Just sayin’

@ red: yes, they DO fuck like bunnies! it’s hilarious! well, only the mom and dad do, none of the others interact, they’ve got seperate cages. and they’re fixed which makes it even funnier. what the hell are you trying to do, you don’t have the equipment anymore!

@ romi: no kidding! the cats and the rabbits mutually ignore each other for the most part. the cats could care less. except for Hannibal. then the cats perch on top of high furniture until i get home. sometimes the lop-eared one will have at them, but more on him later.

@ steve: well, i’ll commend your spelling, but he’s probably luckier with his feet on. i mean, i could learn to sic him on people, right? who doesn’t want a killer rabbit on their side?

jcorn says:

I related to this, having had a ferret with similar tendencies. Of course, I wrote an article about it at AC and got some comments from ferret lover. I myself love ferrets but the little stinker still….well, for the rest of the story, you’ll have to check it out. It exhausted me just writing about it the first time. I’d put a link here to the article but I don’t know if that is allowed.

You mean like the rabbit from Monty Python’s Search for the Holy Grail?

Not even a crazy person would fuck with that rabbit.

Dude, you’re totally right! I loved that movie. I’m going to go right home and start training him!

I love your rabbit stories. Having a psychopath rabbit must be interesting on a daily basis. Have you ever sat him down to watch Silence of the Lambs together? Maybe he’ll recognize himself a bit? Try it.

That’s a good idea! I’m totally down with having a psychopath rabbit, so long as he’s on MY side. It is interesting, especially around feeding time when I have to distract him with bright colourful moving things if I want to sneak my hand past his face unshredded. I’m glad you like my rabbit stories, I have more once I figure out how to make pictures smaller….

dang how come I’m always the last person to your posts? crap I’m lame.

I miss my bunny. He was a crazy black lop-ear that would chase my dogs around the back yard. when they would gang up to get him back…the little feller would go hide in his rabbit hutch and lock the door. Ya he could do it…

Someone stole him right out of the yard…I miss him.

Oh wait this post was about you…so sorry about the flesh wounds, and good luck training him to be like the bunny in the Monty Python show.

Ha! Thanks cowgal. He has calmed down a bit. That sucks ass about your bunny, what moron would do that!?!? Actually, the second bunny I got sounds exactly like yours. He’s a black lop-eared bunny and rubs his chin on everything, then mopes when I push him off my lap. His name is Darth Vader, pics to follow one of these days!

Calamity says:

Holy Smokes! I have 2 rabbits, briefly had 5, but the 3 babies went bye bye at about 4 months of age. I have 4 dogs and 2 cats, so 5 bunnies was a little too much! LOL I can honestly say they have never bitten me tho! Wow! You sure do have your hands full with that one!

Ok so I don’t really want to point fingers at anyone but I live in a small farm community…we hire lots of migrants to do manual labor, lots of small dogs and cats go missing, I think my bunny was supper.

soverydomestic says:

Duuuude, your wounds are even worse in person. 😦 He is so lucky you love him so!

@ Calamity: Yeah, there’s a reason I don’t have dogs, and it has to do with lack of space and lack of desire to ever have to thing “oh, I have to go home and walk the dogs.” I love bunnies because they are (relatively) quiet, and if I suddenly feel like staying out all night, I can. Sure, they’ve destroyed my futon, but what’s a crappy Ikea futon compared to fuzzy indoor-only love?

@ Cowgal: Oooh, that’s awful. The thought of people eating rabbit makes me want to hurl/cry/stab somebody in the face. That’s why all my animals stay indoors, the outside world is too big and scary!

@ Crafty Friend: I know! That last one was the only one that was fresh, all the others had healed for at least a week by the time I got around to taking pictures. And I never bothered taking a pic of the nipped end of my nose!

Paul B. says:

Rabbits? I totally had you down as a hamster person…

Josh says:

My cat chases rabbits around the yard at night. She’s never caught an adult, but we’ve found the remains of babies. I guess your cats aren’t evil like mine is. It would be kind of cool to put them both in armor and watch an evil rabbit and an evil ct fight. I don’t know, maybe that’s mean or something, whatever.

@ Paul: I did have wee hamsters once, Chablis and Chianti. Then one ate the other and the cat got to the last one, yanked it right through the bars of the cage by its foot. Traumatizing. They were replaced by four mice named Ziggy, Stardust, Spider and Mars. They were smelly and lasted about a year. I am a crazy rabbit lady.

@ Josh: your cat is the spawn of Satan. But I secretly think most of them are way under the surface. My rabbits can kick my cats’ asses any day of the week, but it could be that they’re outnumbered and know it. Oh, and right, one of the rabbits is a psychopath. And two of the other rabbits are bigger than them!

romi41 says:

You had a hamster that ate another hamster?

WHAT!?!?!??!?! Like “whole”? Or was it just gnawing away at it like a vulture…?? This is horrible!!!! 😦

Well, I didn’t see it. I just came home one day and I could only see one hamster. Then I saw the inside out skin of the missing one, and it’s spine. No blood or guts. Just skin. Still, very traumatizing.

Josh says:

Nate, my brother, had this rat once. It ate all twelve of it’s babies. We let it go in the backyard.

You need to discipline that rabbit. How dare it bite the hands that feeds it!

@ Josh: yeah, I’m not down with the rats. I used to know someone who was, but not so much for me. rabbits, so far as I know, only eat their young if something is wrong with it, in which case it’s a quicker death (that whole bottom of the food chain thing)

@ The Pessimist: Dude, I should be playing that NIN song for it at all times. He’s actually gotten better. The last bite didn’t even break the skin, just bruised a bit. And I can pet him through the cage now. Success!

Josh says:

Ive often wondered what sick babies taste like.

Probably like snot?

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