Christmastime in the Emerald City

{January 3, 2008}   The ONE Amusing Christmas Sidebar

Yeah, yeah, my Christmas was lame and pointless, just like most years. Really, I like the pretty lights and Starbucks seasonal beverages as much as the next person, but the whole shebang just doesn’t do it for me. Plus, malls? Hello? I hate them, remember? Shopping, ugh!

However, whilst in the suburbs, sometime between the trip to the meat shop and the Old Navy (I told you, there is no such thing as only hitting two stops when out with my mother oh NO. Make the most of it, you must, and nevermind the fact that her eldest daughter doesn’t like being OUTSIDE) we ended up at a dollar store.

This was not a gigantic, candy riddled organized dollar store where one can buy dishes and food and stuff. It was certainly no Honest Ed’s (if you don’t know about Honest Ed’s, either google it or fail). It was tiny and crappy, and I found the celophane right away. Good, great, let’s go.

Now here is where my brother made an excellent discovery. Side story on my brother: he was a lame-ass kid who’s face I wanted to kick for years. Then he hit puberty, got the word ‘Peace’ tattooed on his ass (of which I have many reminders, for I’ve often made the mistake of leaving my camera unattended…) and became an alright kid to hang out with. So when he fell over laughing, I paid attention.

Has anyone ever bought incense at their local convenience store? I don’t know how it is in the rest of the world, but for some reason, every time I go buy some, the cover of every package looks like a friggin’ soft core porn.


Seriously, ‘Jamaican Rainbow’ and ‘Aphrodisia’ and all this nonsense. It’s actually kind of fun. Because, with my plethora of critters, I go through a lot of incense in my neverending battle against the smell of zoo. So I like to wander in every other week or so and stock up. Then I get to go home and play “what kind of sex scene do I want my apartment to smell like today?” Great fun.

Well, my brother found this:


That’s right, that says fucking PUSSY. What incense company in their right frikkin’ mind would make a scent called PUSSY!?!? Is this a language barrier thing? I don’t think so, they got ‘Aphrodesia’ pretty well on the money. And what you can’t see because my camera can’t do close-up macro work for all it’s 6.2 megapixels is the black blob in the background that is actually a CAT.

Okay, so…what? Either you think someone wants their house to smell like pussy all day, or they want their house to smell like cat all day? What the hellass? I go through incense so my house does NOT smell like cat. Or pussy for that matter.

Now, I suppose that maybe an uber-effeminate lad in, say, his college years might be attracted to this stuff to impress his fellow dorm buddies into thinking he got some. Wow, his whole place smells like pussy, he must have gotten laid. But clearly he didn’t, otherwise he wouldn’t be shopping for incense in the first place, Sherlock Homo.  Men who buy incense generally don’t get laid.

Did I buy it? Of course I fucking did, are you retarded?!? I bought three packs! How could I not?! Anyways, YES I lit some up and let it waft around. It doesn’t smell like pussy, sorry to disappoint. Nor does it smell like cat, really. It smells kind of…well, incense-like, you know that general….incense sort of smell. Hmmm? Do you, Sherlock Homo?

Sorry…I’ve been watching way too many episodes of the Venture Brothers.

So, yeah. You could call it a waste of time, since it smells like neither pussy nor cat. Or you could call it the one amusing thing about my holidays that let for an awesome picture. Seriously, you allllllll know you want some of this stuff 😛


nahole says:

Wow, how fucking awesome is that. If fucking sucks that it doesn’t smell like the real fucking deal though.

greenmetropolis says:

That would kind of be an odd smell to have around the house though. Especially in, like, the kitchen. Plus, dude, I have two cats and five rabbits in a bitty old apartment. Do you know how much I clean every day to prevent the smell? And how often I fail? I don’t need one more stank around the house.

David says:

What if you buy the Pussy scent AND the Pecker scent, and burn them together in the same room? What would happen then?

soverydomestic says:

Oh! Oh! I know! It would smell like babies!

romi41 says:

Is there a man-equivalent in the store, and does it smell ilke…sausages????

Seriously wtf….

greenmetropolis says:

Dudes, I know!!! What the hell?!?! And I love that May, “It would smell like babies!” My house smells like a combination of cat, rabbit, too-many-bodies-in-too-small-a-room, orange zep, weed, whatever porn scene I’ve just lit up, and sometimes bleach if I’ve cleaned. I don’t think I need the smell of baby in there too.

nahole says:

You’ll never fucking know until you fucking try.

nahole says:

your house sounds like it smells awesome

talea says:

So THAT’S where the Orange Zep cleaner went! You stole it from work! Em, you clepto.

greenmetropolis says:

I did not! Cait gave it to me. I have on occasion brought it to the office, but it’s solely mine.

David says:

Hee hee, smells like babies!! LOL

You’ve probably already tried the Unscented Insence? nyuk nyuk

But seriously, we have a cat and dog both of whom have “accidents” and we’ve tried all kinds of coverupper odor-sucker things. Bleach and water are seem to be the best and cheapest.

greenmetropolis says:

yeah, i’m a HUGE fan of the bleach.

Josh says:

Yeah, I enjoy pussy as much as the next guy, and it’s not unpleasant in the right scenario, but that’s not really what I want my room smelling like. And plenty of guys buy incense. It’s for making your room smell less like cigarette butts, bong water, and dirty clothes. That’s not gay, and if you think it is, you are gay. actually that would be pretty cool. You should go gay. And then you could make your own incense, and have you and Talea making out on the label. And you could call it “Emerald Scissors” or something. God damn I’m a genius.

Woah. Dudes using incense. I thought you just used air freshener or something not quite as gay as incense. And I’m totally down with having my own sexy scent called “Emerald Scissors” (totally working on that) but I don’t think Talea would be down. Making out on the cover would involve touching, and while I’M normally the stabby one, you should see Talea when people get touchy feely around her. At work Talea can shout down the hall at any point “Emerald!!! What’s my rule!?!?!” and I will immediately call back “Don’t touch the Talea!!!” Maybe it could be a picture of the two of us giving stink eye to the lame-o using the incense? Just a thought.

talea says:

Yeah. Pretty much my biggest unbreakable rule is DON’T TOUCH THE TALEA. Followed closely by: don’t tell me to smile. Breaking either of these rules may result in you getting blacklisted for life at least, and getting reamed out hardcore at worst.
Obviously, you can see how this rules out the makeout plans you have Josh. No touching the Talea.

talea says:

Ha, the first time I met the owner of the company (before it got bought out by a mega corporation), he put his hand on my shoulder. My immediate and uncensored response was, “I’m not a touchy feely person. I dont like being touched. Sorry.”
He took the hint and removed his grubby paw from me. Haha. Bad first impression? Maybe, but, what the hell? I HATE that people go around touching strangers like they have permission to do so. Back off!

I smell photoshop.

Josh says:

Talea: You would NOT like North Carolina. People hug a lot around here. Sometimes even when we MEET FOR THE FIRST TIME!!!!! OOOOOOOOHHHHHH! GGGAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!

Yeah, it would be wierd for you I think if you had to go through the Yankee culture shock of living in the south. But you would warm up to it, everyone does. And I still think I could convince you to make out with Em. Maybe even just pretend to, and photoshop the two pictures together for the sake of the incense. Oh shit, I see Em beat me to the idea. (ps- maybe if you smiled more people wouldn’t feel like they need to touch you. Shazam! Two rules broken in one sentence! I rule!)

Emerald: Incense is NOT gay! Dammit! Incense makes clouds of smoke in confined areas and covers up the stench of a bachelor who barely keeps himself and his surroundings in a livable state.

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