Christmastime in the Emerald City

{December 10, 2007}   More Hilarious Adventures Against the JackAssery of the World

Alright, I woke up late again today. Again. Because winter…is not my season. It’s cold, it’s dark, I don’t give a fuck about the hot shower, it’s just going to make me feel colder when I have to get out. I…HATE…winter mornings.

And I’m not feeling that great. So I text Sassy Friend and tell her that I’m feeling icky and running behind, but I should be there before or shortly after the phones start ringing. I walk into a fucking nightmare because we’ve got a shitload of training room/boardroom bookings and they’re all fucked up. Apparently, even though my boss has my password and can open all my fancy programs, it didn’t occur to her to check who was booked where and what the difference is between a projector and a projection screen. With that polite “well, everyone makes mistake” smile of hers. No, we do not. YOU DO.

But it doesn’t make a difference, because all I know is I’ve got a fat red head yelling at me because the lights won’t dim, I’m fucking starving, I’ve forgotten the pills that keep me from snapping or crying under duress, and I have knitting kneedles in  my bag. The fax machines are down, everybody is pissed off, I just got handed a mess of useless filing, and as usual, everybody on the phone and at my desk is a fucking idiot. Someone also keeps trying to send a fax to my ear, probably for some exotic getaway.

I. Want. To SCREAM. I want to kick the motherfucking holiday happy bouquets of pointsettias across the room. I want to smash my heavy blue crisp corporate water glass onto my Ikea-esque desk ensemble and push the jagged edge into the nearest piece of face or ballistic gel (they have equal satisfaction ratings). I would sincerely like to grab some sort of holiday branch and brandish it over my head while screaming down the street after the motherfucking  tourists who make getting anywhere such a goddamned fucking pain in my ass. I want to turn around to kick my boss in the face for asking me to do some inane task while my phone won’t stop ringing and for TOUCHING MY SHOULDER AFTER I EXPLAINED THAT I HAVEN’T TAKEN MY FUCKING MEDS AND I WANT TO KILL EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!

So, what, that’s it? I miss one little pill and my fucking day is ruined? I mean, I know the deal with Seratonin and blah, but seriously?! Me? Dude, I kick ass. I take on the fucking world, I put on emo wigs and tell my own clients to go fuck themselves. I need to beat this day. I need to beat this day brutally, with like, I dunno, one of those retractable antennae from a cheap little radio that really hurts if you break it off and whip someone with it.

So, similar to my “at least I’m not O.J., but oh right, he actually got to stab someone” spiel, I am doing my best to ignore the negative parts about today and focusing on the positives. Here’s a list of positive things today.

1) I’ve seen a lot of flattering pictures of myself today. Thank you facebook and 3D friends with cameras, wigs, and children.

2) I spent a good twenty minutes in the same (if rather large) office as my boss while she conversed with a client. I farted the entire time.

3) The fat redhead complained about the lack of dimming so much that she agreed to switch to a smaller room. I don’t care about the whole ordeal, possibly losing money, looking bad etc.  I just like to think of her with twenty other people crammed into a boardroom made for ten. She’s sweating right now, probably very self conscious. And still very fat. Also, they had pizza for lunch. You know what that means, right? She’s even fatter.

4) In the bathroom, I got the last piece of papertowel, which means that the smelly bitch next to me had to use the crazy handdryer machine that can actually blow accessories from your face from the sheer noise and force of the wind reflecting from your flapping, helpless hands. Seriously, that thing has to be fifty feet away and if the bathroom door opens while someone is stupid enough to use it, can hear it from here!

5) I convinced my boss that every time she books someone in a boardroom, she has to fill out a little form I made to make sure she doesn’t forget to tell me anything. That’s right, I’ve got the boss doing paperwork. Which might explain the pile she just dropped on my desk, but whatever. I like organized paperwork.

6) Almost, but didn’t quite have the time to print out pictures of Trent Reznor and go shit-house with my otherwise useless little happy-face stamper.

7) Sat on floor under desk while Sassy Friend covered for me, stuffing my face with a lemon tart from Second Cup, and occasionally poking my head up for beverage purposes. She commented “you used to do this as a child, didn’t you?” I did, and still do.

8.) I got paid Friday, but the month works out funny where I got paid right at the beginning of the month, and still have one more paycheque before the end of the month. That means this whole paycheque is for the blowing. And yes, I know Christmas is coming up, but we all know that while I love my family…..I would rather get an adorable set of gloves and the emo secretary-core haircut seen below.

9) I’m seeing a friend tomorrow night for dinner whom I haven’t seen in over a year, and I’m looking forward to catching up. Sounds kind of sappy, but she’s actually kind of ‘anti blogosphere facebook, all that junk kids these days get sucked into’. On the one hand, she is an obvious freak. On the other hand, kudos for her steadfastness, even if it does technically mean that by my standards she doesn’t exist and I am just going to dinner with an imaginary friend.

10) There is a very good chance that my Lovely Friend (not to be mistaken with Sassy Friend or Crafty Friend, we are all intertwined) may be working with myself and Sassy Friend shortly. Nothing is for certain yet, but lets keep our fingers crossed.

Lastly, meds or no meds, I have pot at home. And that just makes my holiday nights a little brighter. Sweetbombs.


soverydomestic says:

Life is good, it is. People suck and the world is full of them, but really, we’ve got it made man. Between you, me, Lovely Friend (who I LOVE happens to be my BFF), Sassy Friend, my husband machine, the wee ones and all the others we’ve collected in our little menagerie, we’ve got a kick ass example of what’s good about the world. Go you! 😀

Josh says:

I have to say, I saw some cool pics of you yesterday. One was with you and sassy friend holing up a big ass blanket she knitted. You looked all happy and shit, must have had your meds. The others were over on crafty friends page, which I just found and much enjoyed. I have to say, before I saw the pictures she posted, I had no idea you had such great boobies. Go Emerald! I was impressed. so that’s one more thing you can add to your list of good shit happening. It might go a little something like this:

11) I looked down and noticed I have a sweet pair of tits. Life is good. Tomorrow I’m knitting a sweater for these sweater puppies.

I don’t know, something like that. Maybe if you have tits, they get old. But I have had Dr. Brutus Von Monsterfield for my whole life and I still haven’t got sick of him. (guess what Dr. B. is) I like to think boobies are the same way.

greenmetropolis says:

Thanks May, you are truly awesome, and definitely one of the brighter aspects of my life. We’re so awesome. And I love that your kids love me and that your awesome husband machine digs me enough to turn away from his computer a wee bit.

And yes, Josh, I’ve noticed that I have a great set of sweater puppies, thanks. But they’re there every day, so they really don’t affect whether or not it’s a good day. But yes, they are a pleasant reminder, and I do admire them in the mirrror and fondle them at least a few times a day. My boobies, I heart them.

By the way, I love the “Dr” Brutus Von Monsterfield. Makes me start singing Dr. Feelgood, my FAVE Motley tune.

when you get home…will you have a hit for me? I don’t have any pot at home.

greenmetropolis says:

cowgal, i will have a whole bowlful for you 🙂 (cause i’m a girl and i can’t roll joints for shit)

I don’t have any skills, so I’ll let ya off the hook. But if you take a class to learn, sign me up too!

Josh says:

Hah ha ha. Well I’m glad you don’t just ignore them. Boobies need love just like gold fish and chia pets and shit. And The whole Dr. Brutus Von whatever thing was just made up. I don’t really have a name for my junk. (used to be Rod Thundor, but I didn’t like it) I just like to make a new one up every time the need arises. You should name yours, it’s fun. Like Thelma McHappypatch or Looloo Valleyfold.

greenmetropolis says:

I had briefly considered Thelma and Louise, but then considered what Thelma and Louise look like now and thought…no. I was tagged as ‘Hooty McBoob’ for a bit there, but it seems kind of trashy…

talea says:

Oh, all work and no play is making Talea go crazy…. 😦

greenmetropolis says:

That’s okay, we all know all I do is fondle my boobies and talk about them all day.

green.. i’ve substituted your blog for porn. I hope you are ok with that.

greenmetropolis says:

Dude, I’m totally cool with that. I should put up that picture of me holding Crafty Friends giant crooked chocolate dong that her mother makes. The look on my face is priceless! (And I think that’s the pic that inspired Josh’s boob worship)

Josh says:

Ok first of all, we aren’t quite at the worship stage yet. And yes, that was the picture. You and the giant black cock. My sister in law thought it was funny too.

And what’s wrong with being trashy? I find it to be fun. But I was talking about naming your hoohah, not your bazongas. If you know what I mean. Since you are all gung ho about being original and shit. I mean, naming your tits is so played out, everyone does it. But how many chicks name their poon? Not many.

greenmetropolis says:

Can I just say that I love the word poon?

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