Christmastime in the Emerald City

{December 3, 2007}   My Birthday Shennanigandery

Alright, so my birthday was actually a couple of weeks ago, and I had planned to write a post all about it, but I forgot. I forgot because I spent most of my birthday stoned, as should anybody, really.

My Awesome Aunt calls me up first thing in the morning, picks me up, we pick up her kid from piano practice, all while she explains that she has to fire the piano teacher. Why? Because the teacher is stupid enough to tell her kid that he can play certain Beatles tunes on the piano that are just plain meant for guitar. My Awesome Aunt is absolutely aghast at this.

We stop at her house, and grab a quick breakfast before we head out. My Awesome Aunt and I are going on a girl’s day to Home Depot to grab a whole bunch of fun things to remodel my renter-white apartment. My Awesome Aunt and I love pretty things and painting pretty things, and all sorts of artsy good-looking stuff and funky home decor. So this is going to be fun.

It’s especially going to be fun because breakfast included a pot cookie, and by the time we get to the lighting department, I am completely convinced that I want my kitchen and living room light fixtures to look like boobs. So I’m prancing around with box upon box of various semi-globes, holding them up to myself and judging their realism. When satisfied, we go to the window covering department, because I now believe that a terracotta and saffron coloured apartment would go great with dracula-black curtains.

Of course, that’s just the living room/kitchen. The bedroom (who am I kidding, it’s being given up to the bunnies) is an avocado green, with a painted brown floor. To keep the rabbits from chewing at the walls (again), I’m nailing up slats of wood to about halfway up the wall. Cottage-like. So we go looking for pretty wood.

Now at this point, we are in the back of the Home Depot, where the hardcore frequent visitors know how to navigate. I’m a girl, and while I’m pretty handy with tools, looking at all these giant slabs of lumber is a little intimidating. But we wander through some aisles and find some pretty pre-sliced, pre-packaged stuff that should do the trick. So we pick up a few packages, try to find the cart we left somewhere near the drywall, and wander off to find floor paint. Except I can’t remember which direction we’re facing. Oooh, and I need some nails.

At this juncture, we meet a hippie Home Depot character. You know, an older guy who actually cares about what he does there and isn’t just waiting for a paycheque to blow on a PS3 or whatever the devil it is you kids do these days. And he’s explaining to me how to find studs in the walls with a tape measure, and all about the nature of the wood I’m using. I need to hammer gently at first, you see, or else I’ll split the wood. And I need a certain type of nail. I’m pretty sure he either knew I was stoned, or was stoned himself. I was expecting him to call me young grasshopper at any moment.

So now, right, floor paint, where the hell is that? Oh, shit, right here. Okay, there’s this big colourful chart thing with all these effects. What does that mean? I like this one here, they call it a Venetian finish. And the paint is, like $40 a can, so does it, like, do the finish for you? Like those trippy nail polishes that do crackle effects on their own? It seems to imply so….I’m not sure. Well, whatever, lets just get it.

Shit, you know what? We need to get more of this wood stuff. Because math makes sense all of a sudden, and I don’t think this is going to be enough. Okay, says my Awesome Aunt, I’m going to go find you a saw somewhere. You go find the wood.

I can’t find the wood. I swear, I went up and down every aisle until I found myself looking at plumbing fixtures. It’s not here. Where’s my Awesome Aunt? Uh-oh.

In fact, I can’t recall for certain if it wasn’t at this point that I found her talking to the Home Depot sage, and not earlier. But she did find a saw, and figured out that the expensive floor paint did not magically swirl itself into a Venetian plaster. Okay, so, normal paint. Where do we get that? There seems to be a kiosk thing, right past where the Home Depot sage said to find safety goggles, as though I’m going to pay attention to him. Forget the goggles, we need paint.

They ask what kind of paint I want and list a whole bunch of variations like I know what the hell they are talking about. I don’t know, just…floor paint! I’m painting my floor, what, is this a huge deal? And I need it non-toxic, because I’m making a room for my rabbits. What?!?! I have rabbits, and they chew at…you know what, nevermind, just…this colour here, just mix it up, will you? Jesus, where the hell is the exit?

We find the cashier, and park the cart somewhere in between two queues. Because we forgot something. I can’t remember what, but we had to go find it. I was certain someone was going to take everything out of our cart and we’d have to start all over again, but we wandered away anyways. It was only after we had paid for everything (or rather, she paid for everything because it’s my birthday and she’s my Awesome Aunt) and were ready to leave when we realized that she had accidentally bought that super-expensive not-very-magical paint by accident. So I had to stand by the cart near the exit while she went around to return the stuff. I’m sure it didn’t take as long as it seemed to.

Anyways, I can’t remember much of what happened afterwards, except that I ended up at Crafty Friend’s house for deliciousness and more weed.

Since then, I’ve nailed up four pieces of wood to my walls, and the boob lights are still in their boxes. Because, you know, I have to knit right now. A lot.


nahole says:

What fucking color are you going to paint the nipples on the lamps – they sound fucking awesome.

greenmetropolis says:

The lamps don’t need to be painted, they are metal. Sort of. Ceiling light fixture type…things.

soverydomestic says:

I’m excited about all the changes to your place! It’s going to be awesome.

I remember the second half of your bday! You came over for knitting and snacks, and you even blew out candles with your favourite niece. Then there was more knitting, Gillian stopped in for a wee visit, you hung out with Richard for a while and then we ended up in the basement for hours hanging out with Chris. Which is pretty much how everyday around here ends. 😀

greenmetropolis says:

Oh yeah! I have pictures from that and everything. I wasn’t quite sure if it all happened on the same day though… I know now that it did, and that I probably already regaled the tale of getting lost in the home depot. We’ve got plans for the New Years to get stoned and go get lost in Ikea.

nahole says:

I didn’t fucking assume that they NEEDED to be fucking painted, just that it would look fucking awesome to have fucking tit lights everywhere.

greenmetropolis says:

It will look fucking awesome. And that’s why I’ve got two of them, right next to each other. Kitchen, living room. Left boobie, right boobie.

romi41 says:

“I like this one here, they call it a Venetian finish. And the paint is, like $40 a can, so does it, like, do the finish for you?”

haha…line of the day 🙂

I’ve been to Home Depot a few times, but I get so scared and intimidated, that I just go to the front where the Harvey’s is and eat a hamburger, and then leave….hahaha..

Josh says:

Wow! I do believe you have posted other shit, but right now all my giant boner is letting me see is your blog post about the Home Depot. I swear, I promised to marry Romi, but I think after finding a woman who sort of knows her way around the HD, I might just recant. Sorry Romi, but my favorite store apparently scares you. I could show you around the rest of the way! First off, i could find the chicken wire you need to stop the rabbits, and I could find the good trim to keep them looking trim and shit.

Floor paint needs to be oil based, because it is much more durable, and as far as foot traffic is concerned, flat is the finish you want. None of that slippy bull shit you find with the sidewalk. Hell no. Flat and Matte! No eggshell, no shiny shit at all!

greenmetropolis says:

Ha! Romi, you’re awesome.

And Josh, I KNOW where the chicken wire is, I just don’t want a room full of chicken wire. And I also know to get a flat matte finish for the floor. Oil based, you say? Hmmm. My only concern is that it’s an apartment, so I don’t really care how durable it is. I can leave the place looking like crap when I leave. I just need to make sure it’s non toxic so my rabbits don’t die from licking the floor for the paint fume high.

Awesome Aunt says:

It was definitely ALL about the cookie… and the not so possible faux finish… and the nipple lights… GREAT day my love! Can’t wait for next year’s special date… I’m thinking tea & cookies and the greenhouse in Allan Gardens. Love you!

OMG your fucken hilarious.

greenmetropolis says:

Well, when you’re stoned, EVERYTHING seems fucking hilarious. Seriously.

greenmetropolis says:

Look everyone, there’s my Awesome Aunt! She loves me! She’s awesome! I’m totally thinking a tripped out trip to Ikea how RAD would that be?!?

Josh says:

Non toxic you say. I don’t know anything about anything that isn’t dangerous or poisonous. But I’m sure there’s some sort of baby safe paint available there. Probably that Disney licensed crap is less than lethal, but you never know.

greenmetropolis says:

Haha, something tells me the Disney licensed crap would be EXTRA lethal. Either that or my rabbits would become anthropomorphized and start talking to me. You know, outside of when I’m smoking dope.

Awesome Aunt says:

I am only going to IKEA (the 9th circle of hell… especially on a weekend… what is it with the 12 member full family visit to IKEA thing anyway???) if I get to eat Swedish Meatballs in the cafeteria AND we can convince the ball tank Nazi to let us in even though we’re clearly way too tall, but decidedly not too mature…

greenmetropolis says:

Dude, awesome aunt, i will create a diversion of sparkly fireworks, and you and i are IN THE BALLPIT!!!!!!!!! We’ll snag some child-identifying jerseys and everything! It will be…the shiznat.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: