Christmastime in the Emerald City











{November 27, 2007}   WHAT THE FUCK-ASS DO PEOPLE TAKE ME FOR?!?!?!

Okay, here is the general conundrum that is my work.

I do not plan to leave my job anytime soon. My job is awesome because it pays me just enough to keep my animals and funky apartment and somewhat of a life. I have the freedom to organize things the way I want. I get awesome benefits and room for advancement very quickly.

I make no bones about the fact that my manager is – although very sweet – an absolute retard. I won’t go into the white collar technical speak, but she’s retarded. Myself and Sassy Friend would have a third of the stress if our boss knew how to do what it is she’s supposed to be doing. But whatever, idiots weed themselves out.

Now, consider the other reasons why I do not leave. One of our clients just dropped off a huge ass box of chocolates with a ‘Happy Belated Birthday!!!” and a giant red bow. And good chocolates too, none of this Russel Stover shit. People love me, loud-mouth almost-lawyer says I’m the best receptionist he’s seen in the seven years he’s been here. AAAAAAAAAAAAND he hooked me up with his uber sexy client, the one I was gushing about so long ago.

feeling-the-blues1.jpg

Yeah, so, fingers totally crossed on that one.

Not to mention people are always bringing me lattes, and cookies and blah blah blah, and entertaining me. Really, I love the people I work with. And I get to work with my best bud! And I have time to blog/facebook/etc. So really, I shouldn’t complain.

However, here is where the conundrum kicks in. I have an awesome job that I would normally love to death if not for the fact that I am surrounded, on a constant goddamned basis, by fucking morons. Some days this gets to me more than others. On these days I try to tell myself that I’m surrounded by morons outside the office as well. Then I remember that outside of the office, I am at least allowed to loudly proclaim my distaste for idiocy (although it is a mental strain to hold back the clenching fists and furrowing brows). In the office, I’m not allowed to tell someone point blank that I consider them a fucking retard. This is why I have a stash of medication here, because there are the occasional times when I just don’t trust myself.

When some underprivileged mother brought in her child and allowed it to sneeze upon my couch, I nearly lost it. The giant hoop earrings of the My First Job applicants being sucked into whatever pyramid scheme some office or another is running is enough to make me gag on any day. The lack of English is bad enough, though I’m generally a little more sympathetic than most (this is quickly disappearing, however. ) The lack of logic, however, never ceases to amaze me.

Today, for example. Some fat, swaddled, gold bedecked gospel singer of a nightmare came waddling up to my reception, and asks to see someone that you simply can’t see without an appointment. Doesn’t happen. She thrusts an envelope under my nose. Rude, but okay. You just want to drop something off for him. Yes, I am capable of making sure your documents don’t end up back in your native land somehow. I am able to sort packages alphabetically.

I take the package, write the name of the company on it so I know who’s mailfolder to send it to. Meanwhile, this golden sausage roll is leaning over my counter, yammering on her cell phone. Hello? I’m answering phones here, could you kindly fuck off with your jibberish? Go somewhere else! The couch, the hallway, eight inches away, I don’t care.

She then leans over my counter and hands me her grubby, makeup smeared cell and instructs me to talk to her daughter. I pick up this instrument with great trepidation and try not to think of the bacteria sliding over my skin . As it turns out, this idiot mother-daughter combination thought it wise to simply show up and hand me the document (not that uncommon) and then, via their fucking cell phone, request that I make an appointment for them with said person (very fucking strange).

No. I don’t do this. I answer the phones here. Everybody makes their own appointments because there’s a friggin’ million of them here! I tell this voice on the phone that no, I will not make an appointment for her. If she would like to see this person, I tell her, she needs to call them and make an appointment herself. Having her mother show up and handing me a cellphone is quite unorthodox.

The reason they did it this way? They had forgotten the number. They had forgotten their fucking lawyers number. And folks? It’s not a hard number to look up. I know some people still don’t know how to use a computer. I try to remind myself of this every time someone calls me from a vague intersection asking for light-by-light directions to the office as though I have time for their ineptness, trying to resist screaming the glorious benefits of MAPQUEST, YOU IDIOT MOTHERFUCKER, MAPQUEST BEFORE YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE!!!!!! But there is the phone book for mere phone numbers. There is 411. Holy shit. You trekked halfway across the city to hand me a cell phone to ask me for the number?!?

I seriously hope one or both of them are killed by a collapsing moose this afternoon, because those two idiots win the motherfucking Darwin award.

Thank christ for boxes of chocolate to keep me going in the face of idiocy.

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talea says:

Coincidentally enough, that same box of chocolates is the only thing keeping me sane right now my friend.
Folks in blogland, I SAW the golden sausage and when she handed over her disgustingly unclean phone, I almost puked.

It’s too bad moose don’t wander down here. Though there’s a decent chance they’ll get smoked by a choch in a car. That’d be alright.



greenmetropolis says:

That choch will them come asking one of our almost-lawyers to bail them out. Ha!



talea says:

Oh my God, DUDE! I have this totally fucking wackjob here right now looking for a guy who rents a room from us. I was confused, since the room isn’t rented for today. After he dug all his mail out, read it all out loud to me about 6 inches from my face, acted SUPER creepy and then it turns out his appointment is for tomorrow.
He goes, ‘Yeah, I know.’ So I’m all ‘uh, wtf are you doing here then?’ He goes, ‘I just wanted to see if I had the time right’. Me: ‘But, you’re here on the wrong day.’ Him: ‘Right.’ Me: *slowly reaching for security’s number*
He’s currently whispering into the phone, to nobody, I suspect. He’s about 4 seconds from getting his ass hauled out of here.



greenmetropolis says:

Fun times, folks. Fun times.



Maytina says:

I think the problem is that no matter where you work, if you have to work outside of a home office, is just that you’ll be dealing with some kind of morons all day. When I worked for the Crowns office, I was supposed to be working with intelligent people, they all have at least 7 years of post secondary education. Many of them complained of busy signals when faxing, and it had to be pointed out to them that they were faxing themselves. Even when doing drywall taping or bartending, the morons are everywhere. And actually, even here! Some of the customer service emails and phone calls we get are grand!



nahole says:

Awesome fucking post Greenie – I fucking love it that the golden sausage rolled across Toronto to call for your fucking number.



The morons are taking over. BTW, I never knew you were into blue men. What about Smurfs?



Josh says:

Emerald, I have never quite got why chicks dig dudes with make up and done up hair. I realize I’m a bum, and I can respect how the sexiest, most hardcore chicks (ie: you darlin, I’m joining Motley Crue next week just so you know) would love the whole glam rock thing, but I’ve always thought that if I were a chick I would want to score with Slash, Dimebag Darrell, Zakk Wylde, or some other hairy, non made-up dude. Maybe that’s just me. Also, I have no idea who that dude is. (he looks a little blue though, bahahahahahaha!)

Choch: awesome new word, thanks to your Yankee dialects I now know it. I suppose I shouldn’t call you yankees if you aren’t from north of the Mason Dixon line, and you aren’t American. But honestly my cousins live near Canada, and they and their town kin talk just like y’all do, so it’s pretty much all the same for a southern boy like me.

And would it be possible for someone from Toronto to explain to me why you are all so pissed off about people who don’t speak you language. I know it’s not Mexicans, they don’t go that far north. (funny fact: the Latinos have far surpassed the blacks as the largest minority in America, let alone in NC, where there are so many it is ridiculous. You’d think we were Texas. Apparently NC is famous in Mexico for having lots of jobs because Wake and Johnston counties, where I live, are among the fastest developing counties in the nation. Dammit) So if it’s not the Mexicans, then who exactly is infiltrating your icy city in such hugely annoying numbers? Just fill me in. I can’t be expected to understand when I’ve never been there.



OMG i would have refused to take the fone. i dont want that gross shit anywhere near me..

eww…

i gotta agree i think once you step outside your front door there are idiots are everywhere…..



Hahaha…

You should have punched her in her fat rolls!…

That blue man on the right looks high as a kite….Maybe that’s what you need to do at work…Or drink….



greenmetropolis says:

@ Talea, I still have some chocolates…..

@ May, I can just imagine you dealing with retards with a plightful ‘whyyyyy?!’

@ nahole, my posts are always awesome 😛

@ Evyl, I KNOW they are taking over! And no, not into blue men. Just sexy ones.

@ Josh, dude, my dad is a roadie, okay? I can’t help that I like rock stars and rock star lookalikes. It’s in my genetics. Also, you can thank Talea for the term ‘choch’ it was completely foreign to me before her. I only have problems when people speaking a different language speak REALLY LOUDLY, as though this will suddenly make me multi-lingual. And we have EVERYBODY HERE. I’m pretty sure we are the most multi-cultural city in the world, or at least pretty far up there.

@ Lonely Gurl: I think I was shocked into submission

@ King Steve: See, I’m trying to avoid the violence, hence the medication and the fact that I do smoke pot nearly every single night (and sometimes in the morning too)



romi41 says:

How you grabbed someone’s “make-up smeared” cell without puking up on your desk is beyond me..you are a warrior.

PS: “golden sausage roll” is pretty much the most hilarious thing I’ve ever heard, hahaha…



Josh says:

Really? Toronto has got lots of people from everywhere? I didn’t know that. I mean, I expect that for New York, or LA, but I never realized Toronto was such a popular destination. In fact, I’d better go look it up on a map so I can make sure I know where it is. I might be a dumb ass and be thinking of a different city in Canada.

We don’t have a wide range around here. Just lots of country white folks, truckloads of Mexicans, and a large non english speaking black community. The last group really doesn’t have much of an excuse though.



greenmetropolis says:

Thank you Romi, I took my warrior role quite seriously. And Josh, I suggest you visit Toronto. Just bring headphones for the Spadina streetcar, cause the squawking will hurt your ears…and watch your ankles, they’ve got them grocery carts that’ll scar you. And remember: nothing exists north of Bloor St.



talea says:

I HATE THE LITTLE GROCERY CARTS THAT THEY ALL DRAG ONTO THE STREETCARS!!! FUCK!!!! And they’re like, 178 years old. Why are they leaving the house? Someone take the carts away from them! Shit!
Josh…….we’re talking of the Chinese here. I”m assuming you wouldnt’ know that the Spadina streetcar is heavily Chinese.



Maytina says:

When I’m as old as those ladies on the Spadina streetcar, I’m going to become a shut in by choice. I don’t even need my wee ones to do my bidding because everyone delivers now! Sheesh, stay home!



greenmetropolis says:

And stop talking so damn LOUDLY!!!!!



I had a real tough time getting along with my friends, esp when they comment atr my big nose. I finally ended up with a rhinoplasty surgery. Looks like good information rolling out here. Thanks guys…



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