Christmastime in the Emerald City

{November 22, 2007}   Auntie Em, Auntie Em!!!

Oh my god, I’m a freaking Aunt. And I’m Auntie Em! How fucking awesome is that?!?!

So here’s the deal. I’m pretty much the oldest in my generation of the family. I’ve got one older cousin, but that’s pretty much it. No nieces or nephews expected any time soon. But then I fell in love. My Crafty Friend, who is teaching me to knit, has two kids. And folks, I am generally not a huge kid fan. I mean I can be, I’ve worked in daycares, babysat, but for the most part, when I think of kids I think of flashbacks to Walmart. Snot, tears, demands, futile punches. Ech.

Well. Crafty Friend, despite being a ‘young mother’ (but she’s been married to the guy for forever, so it’s not like it’s some hoo-raw) is a fucking perfect mother. Seriously, I’ve never seen better parenting. Apparently, upon realizing she was pregnant, she went “Oh, I better figure out how to do this” and read a bunch of books. What she says about parenting now: “Really, people, it’s not that hard.” This lady is fucking awesome, and her kids rock hardcore.

 Well Crafty Friend tells me that her kids are smitten with me, and I die. I beg her to get them to call me Auntie Em. They comply, and I die again.

 Here are a few examples of how awesome and perfect these kids are. First, the oldest of the two is seven. When he heard tales of Auntie Talea’s childhood Halloweens on the prairies, with the cold and the bundling up, he told his mother that he didn’t think that was very fair, and that Auntie T and Auntie Em should come trick or treating with them.

A considerate seven year old, holy shit! Now get this, his two year old sister, adorable as she is, had a complete racket going on in the candy-aquisition field. She would toddle up to the door, muster a ‘tickertee!’, get candy, walk away, pause, turn back, and go demand more candy. And she got more candy because she’s adorable. But she’s smart too, and also considerate. Instead of putting it in her own bucket, she would walk up to her brother (unaware that he was also in on this candy game) and say “Here!” She demanded extra candy to make sure her big brother got some! Big brother then opens the chocolate after Mom gives the okay, and says “Here Auntie Em, you can have half.” KIDS THAT SHARE!!! LOVINGLY!!! VOLUNTARILY!!! Oh my freaking god. I could eat their faces with love.

Later that night big brother reveals how he will keep myself and Auntie T straight. “Okay,” he says. “Auntie T is really skinny, like a T, right? And you’re, well…kind of chubby. And M’s are kind of chubby. So you’re Auntie Em, that’s how I’ll remember.” I thanked him for not calling me fat. Then he offered me more chocolate. I partook.

Now, the kid is all over the Auntie thing, but he was a little curious about why I was so excited. His mom explained “Well, this is the first time Auntie Em has gotten to be an Auntie. So she’s very, very excited.” He asked her “well, what does her kid call her?” Awesome Mom laughed and said “She doesn’t have any kids.” Apparently his jaw dropped a bit here, which I LOVE!!! “Well…is she married yet?” he asked. Note the yet. Awesome. “No, she isn’t,” explained Awesome Mom aka Crafty Friend. The seven year old boy then comes up with the following logic: “Well, maybe Auntie Em isn’t married because she doesn’t want to have kids. But maybe by hanging out with us, she’ll change her mind. Like Auntie Cait did.”

Seriously, could you ask for a more astute child? He has logic! He is well aware of the difference between himself and the children on Nanny 911. He watches them aghast, and I believe he has used the word “audacity” if I’m not mistaken. Also, he’s going to Ballet School for breakdancing. Smart, considerate, and cool?!  Ladies, watch out in fifteen years.

So, anyways, onto the wee toddler girl that I could cuddle till the day I die. She is known as Bruiser for her habit of dragging furniture and kicking down door-guards. She plays hide and seek, and gets really mad if I lay on the floor and put one leg in the air. She’ll come trundling over and push it flat down to the ground, usually at a terribly awkward angle. When I let it float back up, she squeals, runs back, and fixes it again. Neverending.

Well. Bruiser decided to give me a big ole sloppy kiss goodnight the last time I visited and I honest to god came *this* close to crying. I heart this kid so much. And of course, because my name is Emerald, I am obsessed with the Emerald City and all it’s surrounding glory, and relish in the perfect coincidence that the character in the movie is ‘Auntie Em’. It’s like a full circle of symbolism and awesomeness. So how perfect was it then, when wee Bruiser suddenly poked at my back with a ” ‘s dat?” She had discovered my Emerald City tattoo, was enthralled, and the circle of adorableness reached it’s pinnacle. I died a million times.

How sweet is this?


Okay. I’m an Auntie Em now, I’m allowed to gush over my pseudo niece and nephew. Tomorrow I will get back to my anger and bashing and morbidness. In the meantime, enjoy the view of my ass.

(Oh, and by the way, not to completely deprive you of my morbid nature: The actress who played Auntie Em was as hardcore as I’ll ever hope to be. She had a longterm illness, so when she was like 80, she said ‘fuck this’ – only far more eloquently – did her hair, dressed up in a blue robe, took an overdose of sleeping pills and covered herself on her couch with a gold blanket. That, ladies and gentlemen, and where hardcore meets fucking class! My hero!)


Paul B. says:

Wow… I am not used to you gushing like an expectant mother at a diaper sale! But like cool or whatever….

talea says:

Haha, your cover is blown Em! People will find out now that you’re not an axe murderer!! They’ll know that you can be sweet and caring! Sucker.
I love that you mentioned about me being referred to as skinny. By a seven year old. Cuz they don’t lie. And I’ll never get tired of hearing that. And plus, I’m totally stuffing my face right now.

I too hate kids. Well, alright, you didn’t say you HATED them. But I kind of do. But I love Crafty Friend’s kids. They’re awesome and don’t make me freak at ALL. I’m doing a terrible job on the Auntie front, but I’m hoping to pick up some slack….somehow. I’m not really cut out for this. But I like it.

greenmetropolis says:

Yeah, I know, my fucking meds are working or something, huh? I heart being an Auntie. An Auntie Em!!! Gah!

rotgutmccoy says:

Most definitely a fresh view of Emerald. The whole gushing Auntie thing I mean, not that view of your ass. I think it’s sweet. I too hate but secretly love kids. Like last time my woman came up to visit, we were staying at her friends home, and I got woken up by this little girl. And I got off my ass and helped her make a fort, and then she went and got a book, and I was helping her read when i looked up and my woman was standing there. Dammit! Caught in the act of being nice to a kid. Now she’s going to expect me to have feelings and a soul and holy fuck, what if she thinks I would make a good father! No fucking way! So I punched the kid in the face and threw her through a window into traffic. Then we went and had sex. I have a reputation to keep up you know. But I thought your post was very sweet and adorable. And you ought to post some pics of your tattoos if you haven’t already.

rotgutmccoy says:

I just noticed that there’s a really small smiley face in the bottom left corner of your page. It doesn’t do anything so far as I can tell. It bothers me. Why is it there if you can’t click on it? Crazy.

nahole says:

Wow – another fucking side of the curious green coin – keep it up greenie and who the fuck knows what will fucking happen. Nice fucking ink by the way – good think you aren’t called brownie or you’d have to get a fucking turd tattoo or something.

Josh says:

And as a side note, is that 7 year old retarded or something? Cause I’ve showed this picture to a few people, and I realize I like the thick ladies, but everyone says you look wicked skinny. I think your ass is just perfect, but everyone else says it’s skinny and shit. Definitely not a single vote for chubby. Maybe the picture doesn’t quite communicate what real life seven year old eyes communicate, and maybe (knocks on wood) you really are chubby. But I don’t think so. I’ve seen enough pics to tell you you don’t have a chubby bone in your body. Maybe you need a lifestyle of good country fried home cookin!

And before you even say, “well look at that slight bulge around where my ridiculously tiny jeans cut into my organs, that’s where I’m chubby!” No it isn’t. I’ve seen chubby, and that is not it. What was pictured in that last photo was something called skin. We males use it to hold our organs in. I’m not sure what you ladies do, since you seem to spend most of your time trying to cut it off, or waste it away. But let me assure you it is vital to this thing I call “living”.

Also: are those granny panties? Bwahahahaha! or maybe they aren’t, and my bwahaha just lost me the privelege of seeing them. 😦 Or more likely me telling you to eat a sandwich earned me my 😦 Haha! Fuck it, eat something you are craving, wear some granny panties, love the skin you’re in, and never ever ever try to be skinny. Skinny = not as hot.

Josh says:

Fuck balls, no fucking avatar!

greenmetropolis says:

Josh, I heart you. And no, those are not fucking granny panties. You know what those are? Those are striped sassy panties with a bow in the front that I bought for a DOLLAR (I got the sweater at the same place FOR THE SAME PRICE) Those panties rock my world. Best part? THEY HAVE A TEENY POCKET IN THE FRONT WHERE I HIDE MAH THONG DOLLAZ. Thank you and your friends for calling me skinny. Even if you think I am too skinny. Medically speaking, I am twenty pounds overweight. But who gives a fuck? I’m more about trying to be healthy than skinny. Oh, and while I appreciate the fried chicken, I am a vegetarian. But you can deep fry me up some trendy urban tofu 😛


I had something really witty to comment but your panty discussion whisked it right out of my head.

greenmetropolis says:

I heart you 🙂

Josh says:

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? No meat? How do you live? Seriously, no meat? Ever? That makes me sad. I just shed a tiny emo tear at the thought of never eating meat. What about meat sauce? Like gravy. Can you eat biscuits and gravy, or is that too meaty? And what about soup, like the brothy kind. Can you eat soup with chicken stock? And where do you go to eat out? Cause there’s meat in just about everything.

And fifty points to you for 1) getting panties with a bow, and 2) getting them for a dollar. Very nice. And fifty points to me for getting an avatar. But negative fifty points for the ass hole who decided to name it an “avatar” instead of “face shot” or “facial” which i prefer because it reminds me of porno.

romi41 says:

First of all Josh, I totally lost track of what I was gonna say to Auntie Em, after reading all your ridiculous/funny comments; and yo, negative 50 points to YOU, cause where the eff did your avatar go again?

And also, oh my god, I’ve seen that teeny-tiny smiley-face randomly show up on so many WordPress pages, and it scares the SHIT out of me…oh my god, there it is, in the bottom left corner of her’s watching me, and mocking me, and taunting me…I have this sick fear that it’s gonna transform into a giant scary face with fangs, and bust through the screen and eat the skin off my face…shudder…

See? You got me all off track Josh; now what was I gonna say to Auntie Em?…umm…well first of all, your tattoo is wicked hot; I’m too lame and unadventurous to get a wicked tattoo of my own, so I will live vicariously through you on that one (just like I live vicariously through Talea when she’s being scary..). Also, I usually think babies are weird or stupid or punch-able, but maybe that’s because no one’s ever called me “Auntie Rom”..hmm…the next time I’m in a mall, I’m gonna go up to a toddler when the mom isn’t looking, and I’m gonna try to train it to call me “Auntie Rom” in 30 seconds or less…wish me luck! 🙂

greenmetropolis says:

I do indeed wish you luck Auntie Rom!

And Josh, being veggie is easy. It’s called “picking up fake meat at the store and mixing it in with your pasta sauce and nobody knows the difference/buying veggie burgers/going for a lot of thai food” Toronto is a very Veggie-Friendly city 😀

Josh says:

Alright Auntie Em, let me explain something to you right quick. Around here, meat is a way of life. One of NC’s biggest exports is pork, and we are famous, at least with ourselves, for our famous NC style bbq. And our bbq is pulled pork. There is no native North Carolinian who doesn’t eat meat. It is sort of like maple syrup for the native folks of Canada, at least I think.

If you served up a veggie burger, folks around here would probably be polite enough to finish it, and they wouldn’t want to hurt your feelings, but I would be willing to bet 19 out of twenty people who have lived in NC for ten years or more would taste it in the first bite. Chili, maybe not. there’s a lot of good flavor that goes into chili. But dogs, burgers, or any kind of bbq, you’d be out of your mind to serve it to us and think we wouldn’t tell the difference. It’s what we do for a livin!

I won’t belittle your dietary choices on your own blog, but not eating meat is something I just can’t understand. Would you post a blog about the reasons why you refuse to eat meat? I mean, we’re omnivores, look at our teeth and digestive systems. It’s nature’s way of telling us eating meat is ok. I just want one person to give me one single good reason why they won’t eat meat, and every time I ask I get no reason at all. It makes no common sense to me, and until I can have one good reason, I just can’t get why you would give up the best tasting substance on earth. I love it, and I’ll passionately support both meat and especially nc style bbq.

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