Christmastime in the Emerald City

{November 20, 2007}   MEMES!!!!!! YES!!!!!!

Thanks Joebec!


1. My uncle once: had the habit of getting a new tattoo with every paycheque. He is my hero.

2. Never in my life: would I buy a fucking minivan.

3. When I was five: I hit my dad in the face with a telephone

4. High School was: a complete and utter non-event. I seriously don’t remember much of it at all.

5. I will never forget: getting married in kindergarten, and he used to write ‘I love Emerald’ on the insides of his shoes to remember which was left and which was right.

6. I once met: a lot of fucking people. My dad is a roadie. We’ve been over this. *sigh* FINE. Off the top of my head, Steppenwolf, the Doobie Brothers (or their guitar tech anyways), Big Wreck (the drummer said I was the nicest bitch he’d ever met), Serial Joe (like they count), the Backstreet Boys (like they count), Sum 41, Hawksley Workman, Aqua (yeah, I know, I didn’t mean to), pretty much every VJ on Much Music before it started sucking ass a few years ago. I dunno, whatever. Um, that Charles guy on MTV Canada who got Darryn Jones tattooed on his ass? Yeah, I used to go to highschool with him.

7. There’s this girl I know who: instead of just cheating on her boyfriend and getting over the morality of it, whines about which boy she should pick. And it doesn’t matter, because she’ll be sleeping with them both at the same time, but calling whichever one she most recently met at a ravey-ravey dance party while fucked up on Ketamine her ‘boyfriend’ instantaneously, while still pining over the previous one, and already looking at the next. And they allllllllllll look alike. Like emo mixed with ‘lack of medicare’.

8. Once, at a bar: I let Shirley the Drag Queen take a picture of my tits for an extra arms length of tickets for dirty bingo. Which was fucking worth it, because I won the goddamned prize with that set! Who got the pink bunny?! THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE!!!!

9. By noon, I’m usually: ready to stab some irrational fucker in the eye.

10. Last night: I spent two fucking hours in a waiting room filled with crying toddlers and teenage mothers trying to REASON with them, all to have my prescriptions refilled because my doctor is on mat leave, and her replacement is a retard for scheduling our next appointment weeks after I run out of medication.

11. If I only had: more drugs, and a license to kill, or at least shove.

12. Next time I go to church: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!!!

13. Terry Shiavo: I don’t know who the fuck that is…hang on…googling….oh right, that. Yeup, if I say ‘fucking kill me, motherfucker’ you better pull that goddamned plug.

14. What worries me most: that I will never be able to stop my brain from dwelling on terrible, horrific things.

15. When I turn my head left, I see: A grey fucking door. To my storage cupboard.

16. When I turn my head right, I see: Three grey fucking doors. Storage, courier supplies, and the door to the rest of the office. I’ve started keeping it closed….

17. You know I’m lying when: you ask me and I fess up. Other than that, there are lies that have never been uncovered. Mwahahahaha!!!!!!!!

18. What I miss most about the eighties: everything 😦 In highschool, on assignments, I would write the date like I was supposed to, but every year was 1987.

19. If I was a character in Shakespeare, I’d be: nobody. I do not read Shakespeare, because I do not find it impressive to have someone invent words, and retell other people’s stories in Iambic Pentameter. Also, in school, I was fantastic at faking my way through things.

20. By this time next year: I’ll probably still be alive.

21. A better name for me would be:  um, hello? My name is EMERALD. Doesn’t get much fucking better than that, does it?

22. I have a hard time understanding: why everyone else is so fucking retarded.

23. If I ever go back to school I’ll : continue my downward spiral into a morbid obsession with forensics.

24. You know I like you if: I share my weed with you, or cook for you, or tell you that I lub you like a raccoon lubs shiny things, or fuck you. Actually…that last one might not mean anything. You know how guys do that? Yeah….

25. If I ever won an award, the first person I’d thank would be:  my plethora of awesome friends

26. Darwin, Mozart, Slim Pickens & Geraldine Ferraro: indicate that whoever started this meme was running out of ideas here.

27. Take my advice, never: do ‘shrooms at your exboyfriends house with a bunch of assholes who don’t listen to my request to kindly stow away any sharp implements for my inevitable freakout. I have an eye on my knee now, you bastards!!!!

28. My ideal breakfast is: after good sex.

29. A song I love, but do not own is: a song this guy friend of mine keeps playing, it’s English slow punky, about a guy who loves a girl and he says “i told her ‘i’m the most illegible bachelor in town’, and she said ‘i know, that’s why i can never understand any of those silly letters you write’.” Anyways, eventually she cuts her hair and he stops loving her. I can’t remember the name of the song or band, even though I ask him to play it for me every time I see him. Ahh, good memories.

30. If you visit my hometown, I suggest: um….well Kensington Market for the hippies, if you idiot tourists could ever FIND it. Jesus Christ, I felt like a frigging tour director when I lived there. Don’t do the touristy stuff, ooh, look, we have a big tower. Find some local colour and ask about cool places to hang out. That’s the really cool part about Toronto, none of what you see on the TV. Oh, and hop on the streetcar and just see where it takes you.

31. Tulips, character flaws, microchips & track stars: comprise a list of objects once again indicating the author of this meme was running out of ideas.

32. Why won’t people:  stop being so fucking stupid!?!?!

33. If you spend the night at my house: You’re fucking brave. Dude, I live in a zoo. You’re also probably drinking, smoking weed, eating the best Thai food in the city, and either having sex with me, or making a laughable pass at me that ends in you being on the bus within twenty minutes. Chris? Yeah.

34. I’d stop my wedding for:  the opportunity to punch out my groom’s ex-wife who had the nerve to stand up when they said ‘speak now or forever hold your peace’. Because I’m just assuming that with my lack of morals, I’m going to ruin someone’s home one day.

35. The world could do without: Idiots.

36. I’d rather lick the belly of a cockroach than: lick the asshole of a cockroach 

37. My favorite blonde is:  that blonde out behind the tourbus. (If you don’t get it, you’re not a roadie. If you want to get it,, look for the top ten lists and read them all.)

38. Paper clips are more useful than:  my boss. Whoops! No I didn’t!!!!!

39. If I do anything well, it’s: scheme. Mwahahahahhahahah!!!!!!!!!!

40. And by the way: I licked all your styrofoam mugs, you germaphobe nazis!!!!!!


greenmetropolis says:

May, if you happen to read this, you’ll be super please to know the following: I cut and pasted this from someone else’s blog, then just filled in my own answers. But then when I went to publish, the colour was barely visible. And you can’t really just cut-and-paste from word. So what did I do? I went to icanhascheezburger, and found the picture of lolcats referencing hex colour codes. I found a good enough colour, edited my blog entry IN CODE (99cc99) to correct the colour to the closest thing I could find. That’s right. I fucking coded.

rotgutmccoy says:

2) Nothing says hard core like like knitting in your minivan on the way to get a tattoo with your latest paycheck.
5) Your name is really Emerald? That’s wicked hot. You may not have known this, and by “may not” I mean absolutely no way you could have, but emeralds are my favorite of all the precious stones, (green’s my fav color) followed by Tiger’s Eye, which just looks cool as hell. (and has nothing to do with this question, I just wanted to point out that I’m gay enough to have a list of my favorite precious stones. I was home schooled)
7) I lost my virginity to her.
8) One million points for Emerald.
11) I always wanted an army of robotic monkeys. Damn, I should have mentioned that was my plan to take over the world in my “If I ruled the fucking world” blog. Too fucking late now dammit.
12) Me too.
14) That’s what I like about ladies. I tend to gravitate towards the morbid fucked up ones. Not that you’re morbid.
18) Hair metal. Sorry, but I love that shit.
24) What if you smoke me up, dine me up, lube me up, and sex me up? What does that mean?
26) I swear to God, I thought it said Janeane Garofalo. And btw, apparently I’m the only person on the planet who thinks this, but she’s super hot. I once pissed off this marines wife by telling her she looked like Janeane Garofalo, and I meant it as a compliment. But he was cool with me, so I didn’t get my ass kicked. (plus she was pissed off all the time, so fuck her)
29) Illegible bachelor. Awesome!
30) One day I might be the ignorant southern red neck bastard tourist coming to visit your allegedly awesome land of maple syrup, and if I do, you’d better not be a bitch to me, or I will have to love up some other Canadian.
33) That would be a laughable pass, and I love zoo’s.
34) Did that really happen, cause I’m beginning to think you’re roller derby material.

rotgutmccoy says:

God damn it, that 8) was meant to be an 8 )

Paul B. says:

You cook? Woah… I don’t know whether to be scared or impressed.

greenmetropolis says:

@ Rotgut: Yes, my name is Emerald, and it’s the hottest name ever. If you come up to Canada, I won’t be a bitch to you as long as you’re not retarded. I think we have common ground: I miss Motley Crue. Also, if I smoke you up, dine you up, lube you up, and sex you up, it means I fucking won. If I call you the next day, it means you won. Or that I am continuing to win, but that I just actually really like you and wasn’t just using you for my own personal glory. It could go either way with me, really.

@ Paul: you may both be scared and impressed.

greenmetropolis says:

Dammit! Why did it submit that comment twice?!

Paul B. says:

LMAO…. I love it when a computer outsmarts a chick…

greenmetropolis says:

but I coded!!!!!!! blarghety blarghety blarghety blargh. I will fix this….just you watch. No computer outsmarts me. Hah!

greenmetropolis says:

See? Genius. For following tabs and…such. CODING!!!!

joebec says:

thank you for stealing this! i was enthralled by your answers! i too am a fanatic over forensics. but if i went to school i’m sure all i would do is party. it’s all i ever do no matter where i am.

i heart you Greenie!! soooooo much! please share your weed with me.

greenmetropolis says:

Awwwww, I tried to draw a little marijuana leaf here, but I couldn’t find the right buttons! I would totally share my weed with you! I lub you!

rotgutmccoy says:

Come on, I’m half retarded most of the time, on my home turf. You can’t expect me to be all intelligent and know what I’m doing in the bitter cold, in a big city, in another country, on a subway! Impossible. I can drive down I40 during rush hour without being a total jack ass, because I know what I’m doing down here. But I’ve never been on a subway. It sounds confusing if you aren’t familiar with the system. But I completely understand if you bitch me out for being a dumb ass tourist. Actually, I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to travel out of country again. I’m not sure if felons are allowed to get pass ports. I’ll have to look into that in case I ever have money or time off.

nahole says:

oh greenie – your fucking shit is hot – you make me want to take a fucking trip to the bone zone and shit.

greenmetropolis says:

@ nahole Okay, bone zone or shit, ONE OR THE OTHER. Seriously.

@ rotgut If you’ve never been on a subway, all you have to do is stay the fuck out of people’s way. Go back through my blog and read IT’S WALK LEFT STAND RIGHT MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!!!!!! and you should be safe. Wait, you’ve never been on a subway?!?! WHERE DO YOU LIVE MAN!?!?!?!?

Paul B. says:

What’s a subway?

And I love how your computer keeps getting the better of you.. its like trying to figure out which one is the blonde.. no wait I didn’t say that… I think i am heading into dangerous territory… time to get out of here.

nahole says:

Good fucking point – bone zone it is!

greenmetropolis says:

Paul, you just missed the ninja death star aimed at your head there kiddo 😛

nahole, glad you made the right choice.

rotgutmccoy says:

I live in Garner, North Carolina. It a suburb of Raleigh, our states capital. It’s a small city, but a nice one. And I think the closest city with any sort of rail system at all is Atlanta. I was actually in a subway once in New York, but it was also a bus station, and I was only there for an hour or so. Just enough time to find the nearest street, (3 stories up!) smoke two cigarettes, find my way back down, find my bus, and load up. I didn’t really do any subway sort of activities. But I did wander around like an idiot trying to find my fucking place. I had to pay a homeless man ten bucks to help me out. That place was like a maze though, and it was the middle of the night, so there were absolutely no employees there. It sucked.

romi41 says:

Can I spend the nite at your house? I can and will make a pass at you, and like every other pass I’ve made, it will surely be laughable..damn..why do I suddenly feel cold and sad?…I hate your meme now…later.

greenmetropolis says:

Josh, you fail hardcore at foreign travel. I am twitching at the small-town thought, I’m a through-and-through city girl. Actually, I could see myself with a farm at some point, but suburbs nevar!!!! You paid a homeless man to help you out? Dude, there are signs everywhere!!! You probably could have bribed him with a pizza crust pulled out of the can or something.

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