Christmastime in the Emerald City

{November 16, 2007}   Quite Frankly, The Rudest Display of Subway Courtesy (Or Complete and Utter Lack Thereof) Seen to Date

We all know my beef with jackasses on the subway. Or, if you don’t, go here and figure out why I often want to punch people in the goddamned face. Especially since Toronto relies so heavily on it’s transit system. We’re pretty green, after all, and our streets and highways are a nightmare to navigate – there really is no better way than the TTC. Millions of riders a day. I love my subway system.

Unfortunately, my subway system is also a great cause of stress for me. This is due to the simple fact that when I see other people being discourteous, it sparks that nasty little homicidal tendency in me. How dare you fuck with my transit! Especially because I know that most people (polite because they are Canadian, and perhaps fearing violent lashback for speaking up because we are in Toronto) would rather stand than tell some jackass to move their fucking bag.

I will not do this. Oh no. I will push my way through a crowd and walk up to someone who has let their shopping hang so carelessly from their arms or lap, not-really-but-may-as-well-be taking up the seat next to them. Move the bag, it didn’t pay the $2.75, thanks.

This sort of incident is bad enough. Imagine my absolute fury then, on a recent trip home, to see some poshy looking hip businessy type with her similar ‘my bag is worth more than your life’ friend displaying the ultimate show of rudeness. Not only was she taking up a full seat with her bag, meaning her big ole trendy purse was sitting smack dab in the middle of it’s own seat as though it were ready to start up a conversation with other passengers, but she herself wasn’t even sitting!!!!!

Oh. My God. I will kill you. I will fucking kill you. What is wrong with you!?!?!? Do you honestly think that not just you, but your fucking inanimate possessions are that fucking important?!?! If I could pick one shining example of why I believe the world is going to be blown to smithereens by superior beings, that would be it. We are too selfish to move fucking handbags.

Then, when a group of cute little prep school kids (not the annoying kind, but the “they’ll probably be really cool once they finish puberty” kind) shuffled in and sat down. This “I’m too cool to sit” twat gave them one glance and then oh-so-graciously moved her bag one seat over so as to allow all of these kids to sit together. Because, you know, you can’t let your purse sit between two kids, they might get chocolate on it or something.

The kids knew she was a jackass, but didn’t say anything. They all had a seat, so…okay, whatever. But no, I was having none of it. Very loudly, and looking directly at her, I said “Or, another option is to be less of a jackass and to move your bag so somebody else can sit down.” The kids looked at me – clearly I was awesome. I looked at them “Well, yeah,” I said to them, translating in tween-speak to “You know I’m fucking right.” They knodded.

Posh cunt? Didn’t even acknowledge my existence. I found this delicious. She and her friend departed shortly thereafter. I gave her the finger on the way out, and it felt fantastic even though she didn’t see it. The only thing that could have made the experience more satisfying was if one of two scenarios had come to pass.

1) Some pregnant/old/disabled person had come aboard, (I was silently pleading for this to happen) at which point I would leap from my seat for them, make sure they were comfortable, and then walk over to Miss Cunt (now her name for ever after), pick up her handbag and toss it at her, not really considering her ability to catch it. This would go along with a haughty, “I paid the fare – your tacky accessory did not, thank you,” as I perched myself so delicately on the seat.

2) Far more likely, although this didn’t happen either, I was expecting them to get off at Union Station. This is the hub of our transit system, where suburban commuters connect from their trans-city GO Trains to our beloved inner-city transit system. This would have allowed me to loudly proclaim upon her exiting “Ohhhhh, she’s an outsider, riiiiiiiight. Suburban commuter, of course she doesn’t know any TTC courtesy. Got that big ole SUV mentality.”

However, neither of these happened, and so I had to settle for a flipping of the bird upon her exit a few stops before my predicted destination. I, however, was accoladed by witnesses, caught a few smirks from other listeners-in, and was satisfied with my handiwork.

So, just a warning to anybody riding the subway in Toronto. You’ve seen my pictures on this blog, you know what I look like. If you catch me on the subway, you better have your bags in your lap or at your feet. Otherwise, I may spill their contents into the nearest puddle of spilled coffee.

And remember, on the escalators it’s “walk left, stand right”, or I will push your motherfucking ass to the sharp below.


God that was awesome. I really hate it when people are cunts. especially rich people. Like those twat sores who buy some pretentious European sports car that looks like a chick mobile, and then park it way the fuck on the other side of the parking lot so no one will come too close and scratch the paint or breathe their poor people AIDS on the leather or whatever. Or pretty much anyone who regularly wears formal attire in their off time. Eat a dick you bastards! Or people who bring their fucking dogs to other peoples houses because god forbid the hyper little shit has to spend an evening alone. Not my wittle chubby wubby shmubby wubby! Fuck you! God I hate people as much as you, I didn’t realize. But yeah, telling that bitch off was priceless. It gave me a semi just thinking about it. Rock on.

romi41 says:

Hahaha, I am SUCH a huge fan of your transit-posts, since I live/see it everyday; I am one of those “outsider/GO Train transit” people, which means I take the “yonge southbound” route everyday on the way home, which means…I wonder if we’ve ever been on the same subway car before but never noticed…well we’ve seen each other’s pictures now, so if we DO have a run-in, I’m sure we’ll notice, and I’ll friggin’ hug you or something! Haha…and you’ll be like wtf??? LOL… 🙂

Maytina says:

Ok so, this is why I so wish Brigitte hadn’t left TO. She’s so hardcore about walk left, stand right, she shouts it in American suburban malls! Ha!

As usual, you know I agree to the millionth degree.

rotgutmccoy says:

I want to have your babies. No shit, that was awesome. I fucking hate people who are rude like that. Like that rich prick who buys a foriegn car and talks about how fucking cool his rich ass is compared to you because he owns this shiny expensive form of locomotion. But then he parks two fucking zip codes away on the far side of the parking lot so no one will come too close to his car and accidentally scratch it or breathe their poor people AIDS on the windows. Fucking lame. Or people who won’t let you merge at the end of an on ramp on a highway. You know people have a short lane to get over into traffic, just move over and let them. Are you too fucking lazy to move your hand slightly to the left so they don’t get run off the fucking road and have a god damned wreck? Fuck that shit!

Anyway, I too am of the “if you’re an ignorant asshole I will cuss you out in front of children, police, and god himself, so get your fucking act together twat” mentality. You are my new public outrage hero.

greenmetropolis says:

@ Josh: I heart you and your similar people-hating ways. My fucking grandmother used to bring her fucking dog over every time she came to visit my mother and her CAT. Good fucking job. They couldn’t leave this goddamned fucker alone for an evening? I wanted to kick that fucking dog in the face. Lupus got to it first, but now they’ve got another one. They fucking share ice cream with it!!!!

@ Romi: I’m totally going to be looking for you on the subway now. I’ll forgive you if you tackle me from behind.

@ May: I love when you read my transit posts, because I know you totally agree and totally get it. I should ride the Dufferin bus more often, that would make for some fun times.

joebec says:

OMFG!!! are you kidding me? a fucking purse? i actually starting raging while reading this and was so excited when you flipped her off until you said you couldn’t see her. i would have tapped her stupid ass on the shoulder and said “oh, you forgot this” and put that finger right in her fucking face…

stupid cunt. damn.

greenmetropolis says:

yeah, sorry joebec, we have these fucking plexiglass windows to keep door-blockers from leaning their asses against people. so it’s not like i could have even reached her. but seriously, she got some cut-eye. and she knew it, even if she ignored it. sweetness.

talea says:

She totally ignored it. I was there. She completely pretended not to hear a thing. She was a loser. And she was one of those girls that never eats anything, but thinks she’s hot cuz she’s bony. Mmmm, sexy.

Anyhoo, ROMI, you ride Yonge Southbound to go home everyday? So do we! I’m totally gonna bug every Indian girl I see now on the train and be all, ‘Romi? Romi?’ until I find you.

romi41 says:

Holy shit, I SO wanna run into you two!! I get on that damn subway train every day from Eglinton station, at approximately 4:40-4:45pm, on like the 1st or 2nd train car at the front…bring it bitches, I wanna see you two! 😉 (usually one of my brown co-worker friends is with me, but he is cool and shit 😉 )

PS: I hope there are no stalkers that read this…

greenmetropolis says:

Aw, damn! We get on the car at the very back, and we’re on there at like 5:15, so we wouldn’t even reach Eglinton until 5:20 or so IF the trains were having a rocking day.

romi41 says:

That’s it, we are SOO meeting up after work one of these days…seriously I have to meet you two cool-ass bitches 🙂 …let’s recovene later on Facebook 😉

greenmetropolis says:

Done and done!

talea says:

Tee hee! I’m giggling like a schoolgirl!
Yeah, we aren’t as lucky as you to escape our work prison at 4:45. Sigh. We’re here until 5:15ish, then we run like hell away from our mulleted commander-in-chief.

romi41 says:

Good lord your commander-in-chief has a mullet? I’m sorry to hear that..

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