Christmastime in the Emerald City











{November 15, 2007}   Today Fucking Sucks, But Not As Bad As British Theatre

So I’m sitting at work in the fucking dark, or dim rather, since someone blew a fuse in the kitchen. And I can’t help but think that today fucking sucks. I’m having one of those days where, for no particular reason, I want to go out and just punch babies. Nobody did anything to me, nobody offended me, my brain is just in an angry fucking mood. Time to up my medication, I suppose. Except, oh wait, right, I was supposed to see my doctor this week for that, but they rescheduled. To make matters worse, I have an ear infection that has physically fucked up my right ear to the point where I can’t hear out of it at all. Not good for someone who answers phones for a living.

On top of all of that, I’m out of fucking weed. God fucking DAMMIT!!!!!

So instead of going out and punching babies, which would obviously be far more detrimental what with prison time and all, I do this little exercise where I try and figure out who’s got it worse than me. Usually when I get down about my life I think to myself ‘At least I’m not O.J.’ But he at least got to (allegedly) stab someone, and had a pretty decent car. So no O.J. consolation today.

Okay, so who sucks more than me? British fucking theatre, that’s who.

Now, I know not everybody is a fan of musical theatre. But for those who are, we’re used to Broadway shows filtering up into Toronto, etc. Does anybody remember the days of The Phantom of the Opera? Miss Saigon? Les Miserables? Even with this rash of family friendly Disney Musicals you at least know what to expect. But NOW, I’m seeing a big ol’ shitload of musical theatre coming in from across the pond, and it’s all directed at slowly aging Baby Boomers trying to relive their youth. Mama Mia, We Will Rock You, Dirty Dancing, Desperately Seeking Susan?! WHAT THE FUCK!?!

I couldn’t give a shit about Abba, you can murder their music all you want. And Dirty Dancing was a joke as it is. And as for a musical based on a Madonna movie? Well, what part of her soul hasn’t she sold yet? Nobody cares. But a musical based on the music of Queen? In a futuristic backdrop where all the ‘popular’ kids listen to “Internet Gaga” prefab music and all the cool rebels are out to find rock n’ roll? And pop culture references are made not only to Queen themselves but to fucking EVERYTHING!?!?! No!!!!!

Here are a few lines that are sure to make you gag, even if you are only remotely familiar with Queen:

Opening line: “Well, well, well….Do I see a little sillouetto of a…spy?”

“I’m getting tired of you, Mr. ‘I Wear My Sunglasses…Indoors!'”

“They want this, this Video Tape (pronounced, as though foreign in this futuristic world, as Vi-dayo Tappy), but it’s mine, mine!!! My PRECIOUSSSSS!!!!!!!”

“Nobody knows what happened to this band, Queen. They disappeared, pausing only once to create a musical based on their music.”

“I’ve got it! We need to find ‘living rock’! But it’s not an object, it’s a place! The greatest stadium ever known! MAPLE LEAF GARDENS! (Crowd falls for this and goes wild.) Well, no, Wimbledon, really. Plus, they didn’t turn it into a Loblaw’s.” (And the crowd goes wild again, oh my GOD they made a reference to a Toronto landmark, let’s applaud!!!)

Holy fucking Christ, I couldn’t make myself vomit more if I had a coat hanger down my throat.

So all the mainstream ‘in’ kids were dressed as Go-Go 60’s mods, dancing wildly and happily to their downloadable tunes. This would normally be boring, but was instead horrifying as I was mesmerized by the fuzzy treasure trail of pubic hair snaking down the front of one cropped-top male dancer. Wardrobe, hello? Did you not have dress rehearsals? Did nobody notice this atrocity?!?!

And if that weren’t bad enough, all the rebels were named after snippets of music of the days of old, featuring such gems as Boy George, Clay Aiken, and Madonna. The lead rebel, of course, was a tough fellow by the name of Britany Spears. Naturally, they were dressed all hardcore, with spikes and wild colours and mohawked hair.

The outcome? Shit. It was shit, pure fucking unadulterated shit. If I wanted that many pop culture references shoved down my throat, I could have stayed home and watched Family Guy and at least have been entertained instead of bored to fucking tears with bastardized versions of decent fucking songs.

You know what it looked like? It looked like the cool homeless kids (yeah, there are cool homeless kids in Toronto, the ones who hang out along Queen St., our uber-popular entertainment district and will openly admit that they want money for weed) at Queen and Bathurst just got really fucking bored and decided to put on a half assed production of Cats. And yes, I made hairball noises during the encore.

So Britain? You suck. You suck far worse than my day. Your food is terrible, nobody gives a shit about your fashion input, and you fail at cosmetic dentistry. The only thing that might possibly redeem you is your musical exports: the Beatles, the Sex Pistols, and so on and so forth. But now, by trying your hand at musical theatre and just plain sucking ass, you fail in that genre too!

Britain, thank you for making me feel like less of a failure. Because nobody, not even my shit-ass baby-punching day, could possibly fail more than you.

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joebec says:

i see we’re having the same day. maybe i should go check out some crappy play too. nothing sucks worse than me today…NOTHING!!

/rant



talea says:

Except our boss! And that bitch on the subway yesterday!



rotgutmccoy says:

Damn, tell us how you realy feel Green Metropolis. England isn’t that bad. Well, from your description of We Will Rock You, I would wager to say they suck major bollocks at musical theater. (you see how I did that? I just totally used a slang word from Brittain to tie it all together! I’m so fucking witty) But England has other good stuff to offer. Like beer, hobbits, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz, attractive women with really sexy accents, Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, Snatch, uh … the Mean Machine, …. .. the word govna’, well that’s about all I can think of. And I do realize that most of those were movies. I’m sure there’s more though. Oh yeah, the voice for C3PO in Star Wars. I mean, he was sort of cool. Well mostly that was everyone else in the movies, but he had a few one liners. And there was the butler from Mr. Deeds. No, wait, he was Spanish. Austin Powers, except he’s Canadian. Oooh, ooh, James fucking Bond! He’s bad ass right? And my good friend Kenny’s parents are from England, and his mom can cook like nobodies business! For real, their food really isn’t bad.

But yeah, uh sorry you had a shitty day. Maybe your new vibrator will put you in a better mood! And I’m sorry the Brits are ruining Queen’s music. Queen is the shit.



rotgutmccoy says:

Oh yeah, Higgins from Magnum PI! He was cool. You know you liked Higgins!



At least it wasn’t U-2 starring in the damn thing.



yeah u2 suck big balls

OMG HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU BE OUT OF WEED? GET SOME MORE WOMAN!!

i 2 had a simular fucking day thank fucking god its over…



greenmetropolis says:

TODAY WILL BE BETTER, FOR I HAVE A $150 ORDER FOR WEED PLACED RIGHT FUCKING NOW!



$150??? either your weed is REALLY expencive.. or thers like the exchange rate your YOU SMOKE A LOT OF WEED GURL…



greenmetropolis says:

I buy in bulk, it is cheaper that way.



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