Christmastime in the Emerald City











{November 2, 2007}   I am a Narcissistic Jerkface, Hear me Roar!!!

So I happen to be poor this week because I spent all the money I’d managed to save up on a facial, pedicure, eyebrow waxing, and a brand spanking new digital camera to capture all of these luxuries and their beautifying effect. Now, I don’t normally do such things. It’s been over a year since I’ve treated myself to a facial, despite the blackheads and dry skin. My toes? Fuck them. Eyebrows? Meh, they could be better, they could be worse. And a camera? It would never have occured to me to buy one.

Because I have a love/hate relationship with spending money. The way I see it, if I want to go get a manicure, fine. That’s how I’ve chosen to spend my money, on frilly, girly stuff. But I find it as irritating as all shit to pay out the ass for shit that the world around me says I need. Like fucking deoderant. I’m all about not smelling like ass, but it’s not going to kill me if I don’t smell like a fucking watermelon or whatever the latest scent is. Why the fuck do I have to pay so much money just to avoid weird looks on the subway. It costs a ton of fucking money just to be alive, and that pisses me off.

So why did I blow the hundreds that I saved up? Because while I hate being told when I have to spend money, I figured I fucking deserved it after saving up and avoiding frivolity for quite some time. I’m not being told how to spend money I don’t have; I’m treating myself to a shopping spree with money I do have. I just went a little overboard, that’s all. I mean, I went out with intentions for a pedicure and a camera. The facial was a little impulsive of me, and that’s where I get into trouble. Damn impulses.

Anyways, I’m getting a little off-topic here. The reason I decided to write today is that my Sassy Friend (see blogroll) happened to bring up the overindulgence of North Americans. Clearly, I indulged a bit, but she was referring more to food, the way we look, etc. Now, for the five people out there who read my blog regularly, there are a couple of things that we already know:

1) I hate obese people.

2) I am about 20 pounds overweight and kind of fine with it, since it’s not killing me and I still have a great set of tits.

3) Media fucks you up, but I tend to be immune to it, dabbling in the beauty industry and all.

But I realized another important point this past week after purchasing my digital camera. I am a raging fucking narcissist. And everyone else should be too. You know why? Because we live in the digital age. I can take 1000 pictures and simply delete the 985 that make me look like crap. I am beautiful just the way that perfect lighting and good angle made me.

So I suggest that everybody take an exercise in making yourselves feel awesome, even if you have just eaten a tray of brownies. Get out your digital camera, and take hundreds upon hundreds of pictures of yourself, even if you feel retarded. Then, simply get rid of the bad ones, and marvel at the good ones. You’ll feel awesome and sexy. Fuck magazines, fuck societal expectations, fuck MTV and their skinny pop tarts. I wouldn’t trade my twenty extra pounds to look like fucking Victoria Beckham if you paid me. Jesus Christ!

Do you think I want to look like this?

Or this?

 Hells ugly ass no, I would not. Look at that! Drooping nose! Cockeyed! Lips like rubber fucking balloons. Ew!

I’d far rather look like this:

Or this:

Which, incidentally, is what I look like. And that’s while being overtired, drunk, stoned, dirty hair’d and makeup free, and sitting in a wood panelled basement rec room. So fuck you Posh Spice, and fuck the rest of the world that says I have to spend money on fucking watermelon deoderant and name-brand shit to make myself feel halfway decent about myself. Fuck you, Paris Hilton, for having tons of fucking money, unlike me this weekend, and not getting your ugly fucking face fixed. You may be rich, but I AM PRETTIER THAN YOU!!!!

All I needed to spend money on was a $200 camera, which is probably a lot less than what any celebrity spends before stepping out the goddamned door. And nobody told me to spend that money, I didn’t get brainwashed by any ads. I simply went in and asked for the cheapest, most functional camera on the market and got it.

Okay, so I could have gotten a cheap ass disposable one or something, but then I wouldn’t be able to post the pictures on here. Which is essential. Because I am a narcissist. And because I looked reeeeeaaaaally bad in the last post.

Just, um….just showing both sides of the coin here, that’s all.

Thank you for your attention,

Emerald,

Co-founder and member for life of Narcissism Inc.

Advertisements


talea says:

Amen! This weekend, while the boyfriend is gone, I’m going on a fucking Talea photo shoot extravaganza.
Victoria Beckham looks like an overgrown anorexic monkey with balloons strapped to her chest. I want to pop them. Mine are way prettier.
And I wish I could spend money on a facial. But I’m a cheapass who will throw herself into a depression if I drop that much money for no reason AND I despise people touching my face.



Cait says:

May I recommend that in addition to being perfect by the way of angling and excellent light, you might want to consider trying photoshop for those almost moment in photography.



Cait says:

sorry, moment’s



nahole says:

You fucking rock Greenie. Don’t let the fucking douche bag media tell you what to fucking do. Your pics look fucking way better than those string bean turd burglars whose pictures you posted.



Josh says:

Uh … right on! Cause my cock always knows what the deal is and he says that Paris and Posh are making him flacid and bored. They suck. In fact if you are 20 pounds overweight, you are just reaching the really hot phase. Skinny bitches are NOT attractive. At all. Eat a sandwich Paris, and learn how to screw before you make any more shitty pornos. Damn. Also, who doesn’t like their women overtired, drunk, stoned, dirty hair’d and makeup free, and sitting in a wood panelled basement rec room? Uh, everyone does! Everyone normal anyway. If I actually get to comment on what constitutes normal. (right) Or anyone else who reads your blog for that matter. I will say one thing though. You may be super hot, but I really wish you Canadians would upgrade your country to technicolor! 😉 That black and white shite is weird. How do your stop lights work?



Josh says:

Oh, no way. Talea is the sassy friend? I thought it was just her face all this time. No really, my blog linkage is becoming way too intertwined and incestuous. Or however you spell incest-ish in this application. Whatev. Me no english major.

But crazy. I wonder if I will ever randomly link to a dudes blog? The chances seem to be slim. Odd. Mostly women, for no real reason. I mean Green Metropolis? That could be a dudes name. “No really, it’s just my face?” Could be a guy, who would ever know before linking? I guess I’ve found a few. A few really good ones anyway. Maybe I’m gay. Hmmmmm.



talea says:

Yes Josh, I AM the sassy friend. We work together and spend far too much time with one another. Our blogs are fairly different, but in the ‘real’ world, we’re pretty much the same damned person.
Ha, I love that you didn’t figure that out til now. And to save you the shock, Green Metropolis is ‘Awesome Friend’ in my blog.



Paul B. says:

You see here’s the thing… the problem with speed reading peoples blogs is that your first line came out “I spent all the money on a spanking….”

It took me a while to say “WTF” and hit the brakes and go back and realise that my eyes had lied to me.

I am not sure if I am disappointed or pleasantly amused that you opted for a digital camera over a spanking but each to their own I guess.

😉



greenmetropolis says:

I don’t pay for spankings. People pay for the privelege of spanking me. Paris offered a couple thousand, but there was no way in hell I was letting that crooked face near me. Might accidentally slip or something, and then I’m fucked. By Paris Hilton. Which would be the end of my life. Anyways, Josh, that is not black and white, it’s sepia, which is a very flattering finish. Colour photos bring out blotchiness, scars, blah blah blah. I like Sepia.



joebec says:

you go girl!! i totally agree with everything you say, and i love my digital camera too! instead of one shot, i take like oh…7 or 8 and pick out the best one!

I think you fucking rock and i’m gonna tell the world so!



Maytina says:

You are beautiful, and beyond that, you’re hot. With full makeup on and a snazzy outfit you kill me, with paint stained sweatpants and no makeup at all you kill me. I lub you. And I lub my wood panelled basement rec room, aka office.



greenmetropolis says:

Awww, thanks guys! Joebec, have you ever done a sassy self-photo shoot in the bathroom mirror? I highly recommend it.

And May, I lub you too! I lub you so much! I lub you the way a raccoon lubs shiny things, the way Paris lubs bad fashion, the way Posh lubs bad boob jobs. And I lub your wood panelled basement, it has become such a perfect forum for our lub!



romi41 says:

you’re super-cool dude…digital cameras are the best…i went to a wedding on the weekend and I’m pretty sure I deleted 80% of the pictures with me in them, leaving about 5 passable ones….and yo: I love frivolity; last week I specifically took time off work just to go shopping and buy useless shit; it was probably the most warm and complete I’ve felt in ages 🙂



greenmetropolis says:

Thanks Romi. I’m all about the frivolity when I can afford it. Also, I hearted your sausage arms idea, even though I’m vegetarian.



Hey just wanted to say thanks for your vegetarian comment. I really like that there are people like you. I will edit it cause I have more of a problem with vegans than I do vegetarians.. cause some vegetarians do it for health reasons which is totally understandable.

<3thatpessimist



i sort of feel bad.. cause you are cool too lol.



greenmetropolis says:

Aw, thanks pessimist! You’re awesome too! And here in Toronto, vegans don’t hang out in Barnes and Noble, they hang out in Kensington Market. There’s a high veggie populace in my neighbourhood too. But it’s good, because if you are in a veggie mood, you know where to go, and you’re not likely to accosted by a dreadlocked treehugger in, say, the financial district.



nahole says:

Greenie – when you gonna post some more fucking pics – that one of your tongue hanging out his h.o. – fucking – t.



rotgutmccoy says:

Hey Green Metropolis, I don’t see you doing this sort of random chain crapola, but I had to tag seven people, and fuck me if my list isn’t short. So congradu-fucking-lations, you just got tagged. The info is up at the beginning of my latest blog.



greenmetropolis says:

I’ll post more pictures when I get my goddamned fucking camera fixed. Stupid piece of shit camera.



nahole says:

You fucking tell them Greenie, tell them to fix your fucking camera.



Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

et cetera
%d bloggers like this: