Christmastime in the Emerald City











{October 30, 2007}   I Am A Sick MotherFucker and I LOVE IT!!!!

That’s right, ladies and gentlemen. Fuck being all sexy on Halloween, I am sexy every other day of the goddamned year. My Halloween is all about being as hilarious as fucking possible. And folks, if it’s not offensive, it’s not funny.

First real ‘live away from home, can do whatever the fuck I want’ costume was “Cocktease Gone Terribly Wrong.” I got the idea from an autopsy photo. I was in forensic psych at the time…not that that really explains anything. Anyways, it involved a very short skirt, a very sheer top, a fur coat, and my magical makeup powers to create bruised stab wounds and strangulation marks. I was nominated for best costume at the Rocky Horror show, but unfortunately, you couldn’t see my stab wounds from the stage. Offensive, but still damned sexy. And those heels, running for the last bus….shit.

Second costume was a rush job. I was working night shifts at the time, and woke up the night of my Halloween party at the local bar, two hours before show time with no costume. And I’m not about to rush out to Seductions to spend money on a costume I’ll wear once. So I look around, take out my sluttiest cocktail dress, which was starting to fall apart, and my shabbiest, wobbliest heels. Bonded up my wrists with extra fabric, clipped on my handcuffs, and again used magical makeup to create black eyes, bites and scratch marks. I stumbled into the bar, announcing that I was “Sex Games Gone Terribly Wrong.” The guy I was seeing at the time (with his girlfriend sitting next to him) simply looked at me and said “You’re fucked.” I was nominated for best costume that night too, but came in second to some chick who dressed like a flight attendant. Which all goes to show, it’s not up to ingenuity, it’s up to whose cock you’ve sucked. I’m just saying.

Anyways, at that party, two girls came in. Pretty standard girls, I knew them vaguely; one was average, one was a little overweight. And loud. Both of them. But they came in together, not in sexy costumes, but raggedy housecoats, curlers, smeared lipstick and pearls. In full character, they spent the night loudly calling their mutual ex-husband a bastard, and this here pain in my back is the only thing that son of a bitch left me and hand me that vodka, would ya?

I was so inspired. It was genius. They looked awesome, they were hilarious, they didn’t have to worry about tucking their tits into their outfits. I mean, twice already Miss Stewardess had to tell me “Um, your tit is hanging out,” to which I had replied “Uh…yeah! That’s kinda the point?” I then took a swig of my nearly empty Corona, not realizing quickly enough that apparently, once the clock has struck midnight, a beer only needs to be three quarters empty before it’s an acceptable ash tray. Niiiiiiiice. I’ve ditched that entire crowd, and the notion of putting myself through fashion trauma on what’s supposed to be a damn fun night.

Next year, I was at a party with my parents, only because nobody I knew was doing anything particularly Halloweeny, and my parents’ friends (well, really, my little sister’s friend’s parents, who are we joking about my parents’ social lives?) are makeup geniuses themselves. Except on a massive, prosthetic, monster making scale. Seriously, they live in a warehouse at the end of a winding road, and it’s filled with monsters and half formed heads. They have a secret room behind a bookshelf filled with giant creepy crawlies. And they loooove Halloween, so it was fun times.

Anyways, parents and children being there, I could only take my ‘offensive’ theme so far, meaning I couldn’t use the idea I’d been pondering for months. I was still all for the laziness though, and from here on in, fuck having to be sexy on Halloween. I went as Scarborough Barbie. For those who aren’t from around here, many people at my friends MTV/MuchMusic Halloween bash a few nights ago dressed as Britany Spears. My costume was essentially the same, only far more original, having done it a year earlier.

Sweatpants: check. Awful, awful makeup: check. Baby: check (I was SO PISSED I couldn’t find a black doll at Honest Ed’s – that was so key to the Scarborough aspect). I packed my cigarettes in the baby’s jumper, smeared candy on his face, named him LeShawn (it’s French for ‘the Shawn’) and left him upside down on the couch for most of the night, drunkenly explaining “he’s fine, he’s fine.” Fucking. Genius.

scarborough-barbie.jpg

Word up, yo. (That’s my dad dressed as the Don Valley Parkway.)

Anyways, this year, I got to go as my dream, my vision. It was originally going to be “Miss Teen Mom ’06 Disqualified” (which of course would now be ’07). But Scarborough Barbie kind of covers that title, so although the costume itself stayed the same, I changed the title to something much more obvious. With drunken Halloweening, I wasn’t going to have time to explain, so I decided to keep the title plain and simple.

Botched. Abortion.

That’s right. I went as a botched abortion. Or rather, deathy by botched abortion. And it was fucking awesome. Sick, twisted, offensive, well executed, GENIUS.

I fucking win.

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Please note the fetus in a jar.

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That would be the post-autopsy Y incision. Also my cleavage. Originally mistaken for someone’s asscrack. Possibly mine, except for the lack of ink.

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As luck would have it, someone dressed like a fucking doctor. Awesome. Please note pleading arms of baby in jar. Also note, as unsexy as all fuck. Sweet.

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And finally, a close up of my handy dandy craftiness. Please note the coat hangers, they are essential, and probably the cause of death.

Fucking wicked. I rule.

It is going to be goddamned hard to top this one next year. I might have to scavenger through some car accidents for pieces.

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talea says:

You are so messed up Emerald.
Gah.
Fucked up indeed.



Oh come ON. You can’t tell me this isn’t original and grotesque and perfectly halloweeny.



nurihole says:

I remember having a fucking halloween party once, and this fucking chick was there, dressed like a fucking bride, pregnant and covered with fucking blood. I thought it was a pretty good fucking costume. It turns out that she was really fucking pregnant. All that fucking said Greenie, deliciously fucking sick costume.



N.A. Hole says:

Fucking awesome Greenie, so fucking good.



greenmetropolis says:

Sweeeet! Your approval totally makes it worthwhile. I hold your offensive-approval status highly, you know.



Paul B. says:

Yo like what is up with the pics of you at the office here… or did I get it wrong? I thought you would be showing Halloween pics and stuff…



joebec says:

OMG that costume is fucking GENIUS!! you are my fucking hero FOR REAL!



romi41 says:

I was sitting here eating like 15 halloween-sized chocolate bars, and I totally puked one of them up in my hand when I scrolled down to the close-up “bloody hangers/baby in jar” shot…Happy Halloween indeed, you fucking amaze me 🙂



greenmetropolis says:

I LOVE YOU GUYS, AND I TOTALLY FUCKING RUUUUUUULE!!!!!!



OH my. You totally win. A botched abortion – best idea ever. Last year my friend went to a party as Jon Benet Ramsay and people got all offended and shit. I thought it was hilarious, but cocktease gone wrong, and botched abortion take the cake. Awesomeness.



greenmetropolis says:

Jon Benet, that’s a good idea! Hmmmmm….



Josh says:

Wow! That’s all I got. Wow! I am pretty blase when it comes to offensive shit. I’ve seen more than my fair share of drug abuse, spousal abuse, genital abuse, and the like. But I honestly did one of those rare Southpark moments where I was like, “Holy fucking shit, can she do that in public?” Not to be confused with “pubic” which I accidentally spelled it as three times before I fixed it. Turns out you can in fact do that in public. It reminds me of this one time my punk rock bitch-ass room mate had a miscarriage (sp?) and threw that fucker in the trash can and I ended up cleaning it out and didn’t find out till later. Actually I found the whole fuck-you anti sexy theme to be very attractive in a morbid Y-incision sort of way. But I get off on anti sexy, so don’t mind me.



greenmetropolis says:

Josh, you rock.



holy fucking shit. i think i’d much rather prefer little skimpy devils than a chick that looks like she just gave birth to a t-rex. but that is pretty funny indeed and also sort of makes me wnat to throw up. but awesome idea. scariest costume EVER.



greenmetropolis says:

Um, yeah, YOU wanna drag your skimpy ass around all night in heels and a fucking red skirt? It’s Canada and fucking cold up here on Halloween. Skimpy little devils, pfffffft. I’m FARRRRRRR more creative than that. Anyone who wants to see me being sexy and ridiculously flirtatious and even asking for candy can just stop by my office any day of the week. Halloween is my time to kill people’s shit.



You are a Halloween goddess.



greenmetropolis says:

Why thank you 🙂



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