Christmastime in the Emerald City

{October 24, 2007}   Fun Places To Pee

Wow, I’m certain my blogstats are going to skyrocket with this title because the world is full of sick fucking bastards with too much time and access to Google on their hands. And probably some other gross stuff on their hands.

Anyways. No, I didn’t see anyone publically urinating, let’s get that out of the way. Though given I live downtown, a sighting is due any day now.

What happened was this: I went to the ATM, and stood at a polite distance from the man currently making use of the machines magical money dispensing properties. He noticed me. And became shifty. Seriously, shifty, like looking over his shoulder as though I were going to steal his pin number, tackle him for his card and rob him of his daily-grind crappy-tie life savings. Tempting, but no.

His shiftiness had an odd visual effect. He pulled himself closer to the machine, huddling almost, with his hands hidden in front of him, presumably at the money dispencing location, lest I dive in and snatch the protruding twenties. All this contorting and huddling and leaning in, however, made it seem, at least to my slightly warped mind, as though he were urinating on the ATM.

Now this is fun, I thought. And with nothing of great complexity occupying my mind, it began to wander. Peeing on the ATM, I thought, must give some kind of satisfaction. You know, sticking it to the man and all, the plastic machine that charges you exorbant amounts to store your money and hand it out bit by bit. Yeah! Take that, establishment!

To clarify, I don’t have any sort of obsession with urinating. I have never asked nor been asked to pee on anybody, and I can’t say the thought appeals to me. But the thought of peeing on things to claim territory/show disdain/piss off the general populace does appeal to me on a mostly hypothetical level. Motley Crue pissed on cop cars, surely we can come up with something a little more creative, yes?

I personally think it would be fun to sneak into my bosses office and pee all over her paperwork. It’s not like she does any of it right anyways, so maybe I’ll just draw attention to her errors with a more glaringly obvious defect: why, not only have these forms been filled out incorrectly, but they’ve been peed on as well! Imagine!

I’d like to visit all the subway stations with bathrooms and just pee in the corners. They’ve got to be cleaner than the stalls. And why bother denying the fact that the only people who use subway bathrooms are 1) homeless 2) drunk or 3) possessed of a weird and twisted brain such as mine? In all of these cases, one could hardly care less about the actual location of the stalls. Free spirits, all of us! It’s not a subway bathroom unless it smells of piss, we’ve got to keep up the image.

I must confess that I am curious as to the possible slinky-like effect of peeing down a set of stairs. Perhaps of government buildings, for the quiet, possibly incontinent anarchist in us all.

I would greatly enjoy peeing anywhere in the Phoenix other than the washrooms, because as we already know, the entire venue is a toilet bowl.

There’s an awful fake plant next to the coat closet outside my office door. Dusty, one of those mid-90’s fiascos for those people who like their homes to have a cottage-esque feel. Dusty pink petals, tacky, and gross. I’d like to pee on it, because any sort of defamation would be a drastic improvement. Also, frankly, it has offended my eyesight long enough that simply throwing it out is not good enough. It deserves to be peed on.

I wouldn’t mind peeing on my exes car. Mostly because he’s a bitch and I pwned him, but also because he thinks I’m a freak and I’d like to prove him…right? Hmmm. Also, it was an ugly car.

So. There you have it. I think that ruining something on such a personal level brings an extra bit of smugness to an otherwise bland insult, and while I may never act upon this belief, the thought will always be in the back of my mind, everytime someone pisses me off: “I’d like to pee on you.”

Sure, I might get my ass kicked. But it’s not about whether you live or die. It’s about how many people you inconvenience along the way.


talea says:

Well, I can’t say that I share your urge to pee on things. But I’ll let you have that. What I will disagree with is your desire to pee in the subway washrooms. I have done that exactly twice in my life, and both times were more traumatizing than my horrid childhood. Seriously. I’d rather piss myself than go into a TTC bathroom. I mean, I think that’s where nightmares come from.
And that nasty pink tree? Dude, pee away, that thing is fugly.

greenmetropolis says:

All I’m saying is that I’d prove a point on how fucking dirty the subway washrooms are if I chose to piss on the much cleaner walls than in the slimy bowls themselves. People would come in and be all “what the fuck?!?” and I’d say “What? You want me to catch herpes or something?” and then I’d ask them to go grab me some toilet paper, all innocent-like.

joebec says:

there are a few people’s shoes i would like to pee in, and i like the “slinky” effect idea. i would be willing to try that out, just for shits and giggles.

other than that i think the fake plant would be a go. gives you that “outdoorsy” feeling.

man, i love to use quotation marks.

Paul B. says:

I hadn’t actually planned to stop by here today as I was too busy Googling and stuff and somehow ended up here anyway… ummmm

Anyhoo.. Peeing on the ex-‘s care is some serious rock ‘n’ roll shit and I would pay to see that happen. Perhaps you could drink a bottle of vodka straight first and then throw a match on the car as you walk away.

Josh says:

Now here’s a topic I know quite a lot about. You see, I have spent more than my fair share of hours drinking in public places, and in my drunken state, peeing wherever I wanted without giving a God Damn about location.

I actually have pissed on a cop car. It was parked at this school I used to go to, and I climbed up on the roof and pissed all over the hood and windshield. I also broke into a school bus and pissed in the back. I broke into the towns water tower and climbed it, got drunk up there, and pissed off it in the direction of the police substation that was down the block on the corner. I’ve pissed off a lot of buildings. Once when my brother was playing a show in Chapel Hill (a city comprised mostly of gay folks and hippies) I pissed off a parking deck and accidentally sprayed some pedestrians. I ran away.

I have pissed into the wind, without thinking, and yes the saying is right. Bad idea. I stood up on a park bench and pissed off the back right after making out with this chick, but I leaned up against the back rest for support since I was a bit tipsy. The fucker tipped over backwards as I was pissing. Not cool. there’s no real way to salvage that situation.

I’ve never had the chance to piss on someone, but trust me when I say, I would take it. And probably for all you Canadians it’s no big deal, but I fucking love pissing my name in the snow. (we don’t get any most years) I remember visiting my cousin and going out to drink at her friends house. But they were all underage. So despite my not breaking any laws, or driving, the mother of this kid tells me to go put my beer outside. I only had one left at that point (she had let me drink when i first came, checked my fucking ID and everything) so I chugged the last one and gave her the box of empty cans to throw away on her way out. (she wasn’t real happy about that either) Then when she left I walked out their back door next to their porch and pissed “Josh was her_…”. I ran out, what can I say.

Yes pissing is awesome. And so are you G.M. Just cause you think about such awesome topics.

greenmetropolis says:

You guys are all rockin’ hardcore motherfuckers, I love ya! I’m with you on the quotation marks, joebec or “the” quotation marks as I like to say. Paul, I’d probably be so drunk after drinking a whole bottle of vodka that I’d either light the wrong car on fire, or shit my liver into the right one. Neither one has quite the same effect. And Josh, you take that toppling bench story and make it YOURS!!!! YEAH, THAT’S RIGHT, I WAS PISSING OFF A BENCH AND I WAS SO FUCKING DRUNK IT TIPPED OVER. WHILE I WAS PEEING!!!!!! AND THERE WAS A CHICK THERE, SO FUCK YEAH!!!!!
*ahem* I’m just saying, there are always ways to save face.

romi41 says:

This sounds like a very exhilarating concept, but you only need to travel as far as my BFF’s blog, where somewhere…hidden in the comments, you’ll understand why I can’t take a pee in exciting places…what about doing #2? (okay, I am SO just joking on that one..I think I’m gonna throw up..)

greenmetropolis says:

I know someone who was homeless…and he was like one of those punk homeless kids who weren’t all sad and bedraggled, but all mohawked and cool and stealing from the liquor store and pissing on cop cars. Once he was staying at someones house and took a giant shit right in the middle of their living room. To this day he still laughs about it, and it’s one of his only antics that I just don’t get. He’s still an awesome lay, though, so I’m glad all that is two decades behind him.

joebec says:


I’m Romi’s BFF, in case you didn’t already know…(everyone knows right?)
she does have the shy kidney thing kickin, but get a few drinks in her and she’s all good!

greenmetropolis says:


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