Christmastime in the Emerald City

{October 12, 2007}   An Exercise in Positivity

So normally I only write when I’m seething with rage for one stupid reason or another. But right now I’m sick and medicated, and just too tired to be angry. So instead, I’m going to try and come up with a list of things that actually make me smile. Or even laugh, maybe. Though I can have a really evil laugh sometimes.

– We have a traffic ticket court agent here in the office. The one who brought in the cute tattooed DUIer. He’s rather cute himself, but freshly married. And obnoxious. I very much enjoy pointing out when his tie is crooked, and answering the phone with the name of his competitor here in the office when I recognize that the call is coming from his cell phone.

– Candy stores. Seriously. I love candy stores. The cliche “I feel like a kid in a candy store” is true for a fucking reason. I can easily spend forty five minutes in a candy store just to buy all the vintage candy like zebra striped bubble gum. I am the cheapest date ever. Candy store + trip to Blockbuster + couch = awesome.

– Watching fat people trip.

– Going to the Zanzibar with a bunch of guy friends (I unfortunately don’t do this often anymore, I shed most of my guy friends when I grew up and got a real job). For those who don’t know, the Zanzibar is the shittiest strip club in Toronto. Seriously, I’ve never laughed harder than seeing a girl try to be sexy while pole swinging to fucking Creed. Also guessing how many kids each chick has had is a fun game.

– Squirrels.

– Knitting on the subway. I always get a seat to myself, because nobody wants to sit next to the angry looking girl with flying pink needles.

– Denying people friendship status on facebook. DENIED, FUCKER!!! Hahahaha. Also stalking old friends that I would never actually talk to again on facebook and laughing at their pictures.

– My snotty bitch of a downstairs neighbour wakes up earlier than me and plays her obnoxious jazz radio at 6:30 in the morning. The city bylaws state that 7:00 is when you can legally play music. I don’t complain, because I technically have an illegal number of animals, and I’d rather not get into a legal battle. So instead, at 7 on the dot, I fucking BLAST Nikki Sixx’s latest album, ironically called SIXX AM.

– Buying a ten dollar bottle of champagne and dancing to Girls, Girls, Girls in my underwear for no reason at all.

– Farting in an empty elevator, and then saying out loud to nobody in particular “GOD, keep it to yourSELF once in a while! Jesus Christ!”

– Yesterday, I had to put a whole bunch of spare chairs back into an empty office. I arranged them in a semi-circle facing the door, in a very expectant manner. The next person who walks in will be very creeped out. It amuses me.

– Telling angry people they have something on their face.

– Weed. Seriously, how can that NOT make me happy?

– Raspberries. And buying a pint of raspberries and putting one on each finger tip, wiggling them around for a bit before eating them all at once.

– Spinal Tap, and my tank top that says “These Go To 11”. Also telling anybody who doesn’t get it that they are losers for life and out of my club.

– Cookies with pink or green sparkles on them.

 Yep, those are a few things. I know, I’m kind of weird. But I enjoy myself. Later, I will create a list of things that piss me off. Just because I’m all for equality. Or symmetry, really.


Telling angry people they have something on their face! That is hi-larious. You’ve got some great ones on here.

greenmetropolis says:

Yeah, it’s especially great when I go ‘No, you missed it. Nope. Nope. Left. OTHER left. Therrrre you go.’

Paul B. says:

I’m still trying to work out the whole mad knitting thing.. I have this real rock ‘n’ roll chick image of you and then slide it across it knitting like a mad Canadian Grand-ma.

romi41 says:

What is UP with how raspberries stick to your fingers? It’s a beautiful thing.. 🙂

And listen, I have to ask (and this goes to both you and Talea): did I miss something in my Canadian upbringing? I have never seen/heard of young-chicks like yourselves who are all about the knitting…I think it’s wildly intriguing…what sort of stuff do you knit? Scarves? Mittens? Mini-skirts?

Maytina says:

I love that this generation of knitting is lost on some people. Knitting is rad, especially when we knit skulls.

greenmetropolis says:

Knitting is totally in vogue right now. I just knitted myself the sweetest as scarf ever. But Paul, yeah, I know exactly how you feel. I don’t get myself either. I am a total Motley Crue rocker chick, but then I’m also the corporate whore with the perfect eyebrow raise. But I also knit, smoke weed, take care of a whackload of fuzzy animals, push people over, refuse to date any boy I can beat the crap out of, and then cry at Canadian Tire Christmas commercials. Really, you have to bring a couple of outfits every time you meet me, because I’ll be in a different frame of mind every time.

Paul B. says:

Haha.. Canada is seriously one screwed up little monkey cage. I think those winters are way too long.

So knitting is “IN” like crack at the moment.. wow. But c’mon anyone and his Granny can knit a scarf. You wanna impress me then knit a couch or something, now that would be impressive and since when are Canadians into Motley Crue.. (are you sure you are not like umm 40 or something?). I mean the book was the best thing I ever read in my life and if you haven’t read it yet.. then quit your job jump over the counter and go buy it.

greenmetropolis says:

Dude, I totally read the book, have Nikki Sixx’s ‘The Heroin Diaries’ AND the soundtrack, AND a bracelet made from Nikki Sixx’s bass string. I’m not forty…but my dad is a roadie? It might explain a lot.

Monkey cage, I love it.

nahole says:

Wow, these are totally good fucking tips. You may also want to suggest that people masturbate more – nothing puts a smile on my fucking face faster than some porn and a tug job.

greenmetropolis says:

yeah, well, sorry dude…you’ve already heard the tragic tale of how my rabbit was eaten by my rabbit. and it’s not like i just have $180 to drop on a new one…

nahole says:

Yeah, well, it sucks that that shit is so fucking expensive.

greenmetropolis says:

Amen. I should start up a campaign. “Most Men Don’t Know What The Fuck They’re Doing, And So These Things Need To Be Subsidized For The Sake Of The Sanity Of The Female Population.” Probably won’t do well next to the ‘Save These Dying Children’ boxes of change at the beer store….

joebec says:

great list!! i’m all about the weed too, shhhh don’t tell anyone.

oh fuck… well, whatever.

Josh says:

Dude, we’re so going to a candy store. I must see one of these in real life. And the Zanzibar. And you dancing to Girls Girls Girls in your underwear!

check check and check 😀

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