Christmastime in the Emerald City

{September 24, 2007}   You’re Not Getting the Job, AssMonkey.

If this keeps up, I’m going to have to start drinking at work.  


Idiot: “Hi. I’m here for an interview with ___________.”

Me: “Okay. Your name is _________, right? Okay, I’ll just take a copy of your resume, and you can have a seat.”

Idiot: “Oh. But I already sent them a copy of my resume.”

Me: “….Yeah. They like to have one on file? If you could just provide me with a copy, you can have a seat.”

Idiot is here to see a company who has instructed me to take a resume from all interviewees. Please note that I am not going to disregard these instructions at the request of an Idiot.

Idiot, with great effort, flips open some plastic binder, rifles through some paper, and hands me two pages, stapled. Her resume. There is also a third page, loose, identical to the first page of her resume, but missing a cartoon she has drawn so elegantly in the top right corner.

Idiot: “Just the first page. I’m going to give them a seperate reference page.”

Me, picking up the single sheet: “Do you mean this one?”

Idiot: “No, no, no.” Takes back the page. “That first page there. No, don’t take it apart. Can’t you make a photocopy of it?”

Me, gesturing to the incessantly ringing phone: “I can’t leave my desk right now. Do you just want to give me that loose page then?” (Since it is apparently a hideous offence to remove an unwanted staple…)

Idiot: “No, no, no. I want them to have the one with the cartoon on it.”

My brain: “You want them….to have a resume…with a cartoon on it? A shoddily laid out resume…somehow vamped up….with a drawing of some character…gesturing wildly…in front of a Maple Leaf bedazzled C.N. Tower? And this is…your resume…for a marketing position?”

Me: “….”

Idiot: “Just give them both pages then.”

Me: “Sure…”

Idiot sits down, fiddles. I call up her interviewer to inform him of Idiot’s presence. I hang up. I start typing. Idiot comes over and leans against my counter, watching me. Idiot is unaware of my absolute hatred for this, and seems unaffected by my stare of death.

Note: if you are an attractive male, you may attempt conversation. If I agree with your ‘attractive’ status, I will converse. If I disagree, I will stab you with my eyes, and you will sit back down immediately, or suffer certain emasculation.

Idiot: “So, are you scanning it into your computer?”

My brain: “Do you see a fucking scanner in front of me? Are you retarded? Do you think I just wave a page around in front of my computer screen and magically scan it in? Sit the fuck down! You are here for an interview! Sit down and shut the fuck up!”

Me: “No.”

Idiot: “Oh. Because I gave them a copy of my resume already. So I was just wondering why he needs another one.”

My brain: “STAB STAB STAB STAB STAB!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Me: “Ma’am, they like me to ask every interviewee for a copy of their resume. I don’t ask questions. Okay?”

Idiot sits down and adjusts her 80’s hair and turquoise cotton sleeveless golf shirt. I retch. Interviewee, about ten years younger and dressed very smartly in a suit and tie (because, you know, it’s a business) comes out, greets her with friendly bellow, as do most people in law or marketing, picks up her resume, pauses. I snicker. Interviewee brings Idiot into his office.

I open up wordpress and begin typing furiously, because today is just too ridiculous to keep to myself.


Also, for an extra sprinkling of fun, my boss is leaving early. Again. To go to her mothers birthday party. Sorry, her Mummy-Moo’s birthday party. The one she calls eight times a day. And lives next door to.



romi41 says:

She was NOT wearing a turquoise sleeveless golf shirt, say it ain’t so…I can’t believe that this obnoxious twit was hovering over your desk; if anything Idiot should’ve been more reserved than most…what an idiot…I also can’t fathom how or why she thought you were scanning a resume….please tell me she’s not gonna get the job!

greenmetropolis says:

Haha, the guy who was interviewing her came out less than twenty minutes later, “okay, thanks, bye! yep, okay then, bye! yep! bye! the elevators are there, okay, great, yeah, okay bye!” He then fumbled into my office with a mild look of terror and said “Wow. Wow. She….was crazy. Did you know she had a frog drawn on her resume?”

Needless to say, my prediction was right “You’re not getting the job, assmonkey!”

Who the fuck wears turquoise to a job interview? Sleeveless golf tee? GAAAHH!

Just me- Sioux says:

haha – you make me wanna werk in a office just to have sumthing to crazy to share with ppl!

Cait says:

I have found that all of my previous jobs in the service industry required that I have a little buzz on the job. My solution, we need to get you a mini bar.

greenmetropolis says:

I have a minibar, it’s called Clonazepam. Now I just need to get away with smoking weed on the job. Because then I’d just be the friendliest receptionist in the whole wide world.

Paul B. says:

You seriously need to start drinking on the job… the stronger the better.

greenmetropolis says:

Seriously, I’m started to agree. My mother is all ‘why do you think my boyfriend smokes up twice a day? to cope with a world full of morons.’ The damn traffic ticket lawyer has a bottle of cognac or brandy or something in his office, but he won’t break the damned thing out!!!

Talea says:

If you bring booze to work, I’m never leaving your desk. I’ll constantly find a reason to be up at reception.

nahole says:

I’ve had to fucking deal with people in the past – and it’s why I try to fucking avoid it has much as fucking possible. You should have made a big show of crumpling and trashing her fucking stupid resume while she was leaving:

You, holding up the resume – “Thanks for visiting, do you want this back?”

She, confused – “No, you can keep it.”

You, smiling, balling it up and tossing it into the trash – “OK!”

greenmetropolis says:

Ahhhhh, nahole, I heart you. You’re like this little character who does all the stuff I wish I could do, except for wanting to keep my job and all.

However, to make it all go away, I got totally baked yesterday and spent the entire day on the couch watching Venture Brothers and Family Guy. Sweet. Ass. Day.

nahole says:

Making it all go away – that can be fucking nice – but sometimes it gets fucking boring and you have to do something to mix it up. I fucking try to do that every now and then – not always very fucking effectively or anything but what can you do?

greenmetropolis says:

You? Mixing it up? I have this vision of you permanently in front of your computer/television jerking off and smoking weed, and then going out to football games and getting wasted on decent beer. Oh…but then you did go on vacation recently. Dammit. Um, I go to symphonies between bouts of family guy and cinnamon bun farts. Does that mix it up?

Maytina says:

This chick is out to lunch in so many ways. Who draws on their resume?!

greenmetropolis says:

Congratulations to me. I am not at all hungover from last nights drinking binge. I am in fact still fucking wasted. Awesome. I am drunk at work.

romi41 says:

I love that you are drunk at work at 9am; you are an inspiration :-).

greenmetropolis says:

Thanks Romi! I heart you!

Rob Tyler says:

i thought this was great! very funny, dry, witty and limited profanities. very effective. could be a script for tv (HBO) show. serioulsy, this is good.

greenmetropolis says:

Thanks Rob. I actually found this to be one of my less funny ones. Because I wasn’t in full fledged stabby mode, just ‘christ, what an ass’ mode.

joebec says:

that is a great story! the only thing that would have made it better would have been:

a) you actually got up and stabbed her

b) you pulled the liquor from under your desk and poured yourself a shot in front of her


greenmetropolis says:

Thanks JoeBec, next time I’ll actually do that! See this?!? See this?!? I DRINK BECAUSE YOU SPEAK!!!

Josh says:

You never mentioned your old boss lived next to her mom. What a freak.

Ha, she’s actually moved since then. And since she’s lost her job, I bet she’s moving right in with her now. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!

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