Christmastime in the Emerald City

{September 5, 2007}   Government Funding Would Be Better Spent On My Armpits

Is it just me, or is there something not quite right with where money goes these days? I flipped open our local Metro this morning and found a rather significant blurb; research apparently shows that rock stars die younger.

I’m starting to keep track of how early in the day my left eye starts twitching.

Now, being somewhat raised in the music industry with a roadie father, several musician relatives, knowing how to wrap cables since age five and a current not-quite-boyfriend-but-close-enough-for-rock-and-roll roadie who’s been on tour for a year now, I consider the plight of the heroin addicted sneering rocker to be a cause close to my heart.

However, how much money did you spend to come up with that gem of information? Oh, but it’s for a legitimate purpose, the article says. The music industry really needs to look at how young musicians are suddenly exposed to wealth and freedom, and how the lack of restraint leads to excess. We need to save our musicians.

Personally, I’m all for the art. I will give you far more credit as a musician if you shuffle off your mortal coil before the majestic age of 40. But that’s just me. At any rate, I do have a bit of a problem with stat geeks huddled over computers and java at four a.m. printing out solutions to an industry with which I can’t imagine they are at all familiar. Sudden wealth and freedom? Why don’t you try living the same day over and over again for two years and coming to the crushing realization that for all your artistic merit, you’ve sold your soul to the merchandising table? That bottle of Jack Daniels looks pretty tempting. And then you hear that Motley Crue has a delightful mix of nervous system stimulants and nervous system depressants that turn your brain off while keeping your body wide awake. All I would say is “Hook me up, biz-natch.”

Fuck, I’m tempted as it is, and all I do is answer phones for morons.

But I digress. Good intentions aside, I would consider this sort of research a terrific waste of money. And there are more.

Incredible Study Reveals Babies Are Stupid Despite the fact that someone, somewhere thought infants were brilliant, it is evidently not the case. Apparently, 90 percent of babies poked do not even make the slightest effort to defend themselves. The remaining 10 percent respond by shitting themselves. Well. How surprising. Glad you cleared that up for us.

Men Prefer Attractive Women You don’t say? Really?!? First of all, in case you can’t be bothered to actually read the article, the study involved 26 men and 20 women in Munich, Germany. Quite the adequate sample of the overall population you’ve got there. Secondly, the stunning conclusion is that despite our quite obvious bullshit about going for personality, we inherently follow Darwinian principles (what we find attractive is what implies good health and continuation of the species.) Can we please stop spending money to prove Darwin right? We have the Darwin awards – we get it.  

I’m not going to waste anymore of my already twitchy morning on Google. You get the idea. Thank you, idiots of the world, for spending our hard earned tax dollars on this drivel. Fucking University studies, especially. And then we wonder why admissions are going up. Do I really need to spend an extra four grand a year to have some jackass tell me that the moon is in fact not made of Roquefort? This is why I left school. For an institute of higher learning, it blows being surrounded by morons.

You want something worthwhile to spend your money on? You can spend it on my armpits.

Here’s the deal. By the time I got home last night, I smelled like a sweaty boy. This wouldn’t be a problem if I was male, and if my occupation involved construction of some sort. However, I am quite female, and I sit behind a desk all day. And it’s not as though I have hyperhydrosis. I don’t have to keep balls of kleenex rolling around my desk to curtail my sweaty palms or anything like that.

And yes, I’m vegetarian and live in a somewhat hippy-dippy neighbourhood bespeckled in posters advertising meditation seminars and the like. However, I do bathe, my hair is not in dreadlocks, and I do wear deoderant. I do not wear antiperspirant – too much conflicting evidence on whether or not it is correlated to breast cancer, and really, my tits are too fantastic to take even the slightest risk. And really, it can’t be healthy to plug up your glands. However, antiperspirant is meant to keep you from sweating, whereas deoderant is meant to keep you from smelling. I’m okay with sweating. As I’ve said, I don’t exactly end up with dinnerplates under my arms. So sweating is okay. Smelling is not.

This only serves to further prove that I am surrounded by people, and apparently chemical properties, that are unable to do their job. The mailman can’t read suite numbers, university researchers can’t pick a topic worthy of government funding, Starbucks can’t get my grande-non-fat-EXTRA-FUCKING-FOAMY-vanilla-latte right, and my deoderant doesn’t work.

How is it possible that we can put a man on the moon, but we can’t make a deoderant that works past lunchtime?

On a more positive note, I have switched from Starbucks to Timothy’s. It costs me far less, and they almost always have a decent flavoured coffee. This morning is caramel vanilla nut, and the next inept person to cross my path is likely to get it in the face.


talea says:

Haha, I knew that baby study had to be from the Onion. I love the Onion. Babies are stupid. And covered in all sorts of fluids and excretions that I’d rather not know much about.

nahole says:

I’d fucking love to have the fucking government fund some fucking sex research that I got to be a fucking part of. I mean shit, do they know what percentage of men like wake up to a blowjob? I’ll fucking bet they don’t.

greenmetropolis says:

Dude, they totally did sex reasearch, but it was all about what positions are the best. They had couples going at it in MRIs and whatnot. How awesome is that to get paid to have a bunch of lab techs with clipboards watch you figure out the best way to get off?

nahole says:

Yeah, well no one fucking asked me, that’s all I fucking know.

greenmetropolis says:

Me neither 😦

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